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Damned

 

"...when death slumbers...
... it dreams of you"
An accusation whispered
From a dying man’s bed
Morpheus
It's rumored
Shares his wisdom
With the dead

‘Twas colder than the weather
Inside his gaol keep
But no colder than a
Murderous heart
Tossed on the winds
Of restless sleep

Outside his cell
The ravens squawked
Atrabilious ghouls
In feuding flocks
Perched among the hangman’s stocks
Awaiting his demise

“Today I’ll feel the burn”
Said he
(rubbing three stones thoughtfully)
..“ah to have this coldness
quelled in me"...

Then taking aim
With gelid eyes
He felled three corbies
With three tries
But soon amid the corvine’s cries
He’d face his fate alone

For upon his corpse
The rest would sup and
Strip the flesh
From un-protesting
Bone

“…when death slumbers…
… it dreams of you”
(dying words a man once uttered)
The moment now was coming soon
"To Abbadon" he muttered

With the hangman’s rope
Around his throat...
...amid the beating of the drums
His thoughts lingered on the dead man’s quote
And not to be out done

He cried out with his final breath
“When I sleep I dream of death!”

Author notes

malkinpuss
new poem: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5143401

A contest entry

What did you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 84 of 84

  • GinryuStargazer
    October 4

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    Alright

    I thoguht the story was intriguing, adn the background fit amazingly with the writing; as well as the font. Yet, I had pointed out that the death was one I would not prefer...and it seems still a bit macabre. Thank you~


  • mcw120588
    October 31, 2008
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    interesting. a plethora if images though tricky at times to follow.


  • Amy Meneses
    November 8, 2007

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    I loved the choice of Morpheus. I am assuming you meant the God of Dreams. This ties it nicely to imagine a dying man. Either an illusion or possibly he is really aging. Intersting in deed! The wording in the first stanza was a bit weird, from the part “It’s rumored...” but I love the idea. You may just want to explain it a bit clearer possibly? By the third stanza it gets a bit confusing if Morpheus is coming to a man on death row or if Morpheus is the man. I looooooooved “Murderous heart/ Tossed on the winds / Of restless sleep.” I don’t know about the line, “Today I’ll feel the burn,” the language just seems a bit cliché for the original and enchanting language of every other line of the poem. I thought it was a bit odd to read the first letter of each line being capital; it makes you stop and assume each line is a new thought when it seems to read as a woven tale. Other than that this was exceptional. I loved it despite the few parts I think could use a bit of tweaking. GREAT JOB! PERFECT ENDING!


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    November 3, 2007
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    Outside his cell
    The ravens squawked
    ((Atrabilious)) ghouls
    In feuding flocks
    Perched among the hangman’s stocks
    Awaiting his demise

    i like this though firefox is pointing the word in parentheses is mispeled overall excellent piece enjoyed the read i wish you the best of luck in the contest and luck in your future writes


    • malkinpuss
      November 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      PoovyLou

      Actually it isn't spelled wrong:

      atrabilious



      Main Entry: at·ra·bil·ious
      Pronunciation: \ˌa-trə-ˈbil-yəs\
      Function: adjective
      Etymology: Latin atra bilis black bile
      Date: 1651
      1 : given to or marked by melancholy : gloomy
      2 : ill-natured, peevish
      — at·ra·bil·ious·ness noun

      Thank you though for reading it and trying to assist me


  • Mad Pastor Grovell
    September 25, 2007

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    Delightfully amusing. I love pieces like this. There is nothing quite as lovely as the contemplation of other people's eternal doom.


  • Northern Raven
    July 12, 2007

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    This author of this poem has managed to write a poem which created some very dark images in my mind. I felt a little confused as to whether the author had tried to rhyme this poem and not been that successful as the rhyming words aren’t evenly spaced, or whether the poem is free-verse with rhyme included. I know some authors do that intentionally and it is seen quite frequently but I think it’s confusing. However I don’t think it takes anything away from the flow, which I personally found quite easy.

    The use of a few well thought out words empower the imagery in the piece. I think the lines “‘Twas colder than the weather / Inside his gaol keep / But no colder than a / Murderous heart” set the atmosphere so well. I also liked the lines “The ravens squawked / Atrabilious ghouls / In feuding flocks” and “Today I’ll feel the burn” as he awaits the hangman’s noose. These are only a couple of examples but I think they depict the feeling and images which abound in the entire poem. I can clearly see why this poem has already won a trophy and think it has appeal that many readers would enjoy.
    Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.

    Northern Raven


  • Xgeekdreamgonewrong
    March 4, 2007

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    "For upon his corpse
    The rest would sup and
    Strip the flesh
    From un-protesting
    Bone"
    Is my favorite part, it's such a wonderful write.

    • malkinpuss
      March 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Xxwetdreamgonewrong

      Thanks so much for the cool comment!


  • Ryno
    January 8, 2007

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    "...when death slumbers...
    ... it dreams of you"

    -I truly love those words, it is one of the strongest quotes I have yet to read in a poem.-

    I great piece, I especially loved the turn around at the end. Very dramatic and it even brought the writer POE to mind while reading.

    Thanks for entering my contest.

    --RYAN


    • malkinpuss
      January 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      perplexed-broken

      I love the pic too! I altered an original to suit my needs. This write wasn't my usual type. I usually do darker stuff but try to jump out of my comfort zone as much as possible. Thanks for your comments. Most appreciated.

    • malkinpuss
      January 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Forever Ryan

      Thanks so much for your words, they meant a lot to me.


  • freakazoid127
    August 8, 2006
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    ::high five::

    this is an awesome piece, truely amazing. it flows and has a nice cliche with the "when i sleep i dream of death" very nice. great write, good luck, and thanks for entering!


  • WarrioroftheHeart gold member
    June 19, 2006
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    I could not properly recite this poem, although I did, and still do now, feel that I may be able to soon, if I keep looking at it. The reason is probably due to it being Free verse rather than rhythmic poetry and I am far more used to a steady even rhythm when I recite. My sister recited it quite well and it put a very clear picture of the scene into my head when I read it. Thank you for entering this into my contest.

    My Sister says:
    “I could clearly picture this poem”


  • WarrioroftheHeart gold member
    June 8, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you very much for re-entering the contest with this poem. Ah a report on the last few hours of the life of a condemned man. Option 1 perhaps? Its a great write and good luck in the contest


  • Edgar
    April 25, 2006
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    noice

    im REALLY drawn to a poem with words that no one but poe would write!....GREAT JOB love the quotations.....good luck in the contest -Evan

  • malkinpuss
    April 24, 2006
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    purple elephant, thank you so much!


  • purple elephant
    April 24, 2006
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    this is a really good write it flows so well i loved reading this one good luck in the contest i imagine you'll do well

  • malkinpuss
    December 21, 2005
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    hangman89, hey thanks!

  • ForgottenHeartbreak
    December 21, 2005
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    This is a good Poem i hope you keep writting and good luck in the contest

  • malkinpuss
    August 31, 2005
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    Twelve-Roses, thanks so much!!!


  • Twelve-Roses
    August 31, 2005
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    I deeply loved this write...I'm at a loss for words..Good luck with this contest

  • malkinpuss
    June 1, 2005
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    goatee98, I somehow missed your comment...thanks for it!


  • goatee98
    April 22, 2005
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    wow!

  • malkinpuss
    April 22, 2005
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    LittleLulu, thanks for reading and for the encouraging words!

  • malkinpuss
    April 22, 2005
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    Sweet Children...thanks for reading!

  • malkinpuss
    April 22, 2005
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    DeathsPhantasy...thanks so much!

  • malkinpuss
    April 22, 2005
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    In-Black-and-White...t6hanks so much for the positive feedback!

  • LittleLulu
    April 21, 2005
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    This is an amazing poem...you have some definite talent...i hope i can even get semi close to how well you write......i am going to aplaud this poem!!...this is great....keep it up....


  • Sweet Children
    April 21, 2005
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    I really like it. It's very descriptive and give me a sense of being there. Excellent write.


  • April 21, 2005
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    Excellent Work

    Whoa. This is an awesome piece. It was so easy to read and follow along with, it rolled right off the tongue with no problem. I personally loved the lines, "...when death slumbers...
    ... it dreams of you" and the ending to this piece. This is probably one of the best pieces I have read all day. Excellent work.

  • In-Black-and-White
    April 21, 2005
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    Good

    That is really awesome. Very good job. Congrats on winning the trophy and publication.


  • malkinpuss
    April 20, 2005
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    Thanks so much! It means a lot coming from you YerTweetyness because you are amazing. This might sound dumb but what is the link to DarkWrite Magazine...I wanted to look at it...?


  • YerTweetyness
    April 20, 2005
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    Oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Girl, You have such a wonderful way with words! Wow
    I felt these words with every part of my being.
    Simply blew me away!!!!!!!!!!! I can see why you won gold!!!
    Most Excellent ( I applaud this poem! )
    Yertweetyness

  • malkinpuss
    March 31, 2005
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    Thanks so much for your kind words!


  • Lovely Luci
    March 31, 2005
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    Okay, I am way past sorry. I completely forgot that I had commented on this piece. They really should have a little thing at the top that says whether you've critiqued a piece or not. Good job on taking home the gold in that contest. I was hoping that mine would win, but it wasn't that important.


  • Reset Button
    March 31, 2005
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  • Reset Button
    March 31, 2005
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    Your more than welcome.

    Now I must scamper. I fear I have a date: bowling!

  • malkinpuss
    March 31, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks so much youllneverknow...made my heart swell


  • Reset Button
    March 31, 2005
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    Wow. I know you probably hear that a lot but I'm going to say it again. WOW! Now I can't be bitter about not placing when you deserve the gold more than I. Great write doesn't do this piece justice.

    May my applaud make up for everything I could not say...


  • Amygdala the Tramp
    March 31, 2005
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    You definately earned it, I'm gonna have to take a peek at some more of your stuff now !

  • malkinpuss
    March 31, 2005
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    sVentos cruSh...wow my first publication! Thanks so much!!!!


  • Amygdala the Tramp
    March 31, 2005
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    Congradulations on the gold and the publication, Malkinpuss ! This is definately most deserved! You just made my favorites!


  • Barbie
    March 29, 2005
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    Lol, glad to be of service. Barbie. Xx


  • malkinpuss
    March 28, 2005
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    Thanks so much Barbie! A corbie is another name for crow ...carrion eater...often called carrion crows as well Thanks so much again.... your comments delighted me!


  • Barbie
    March 28, 2005
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    For the most part, the rhythm was excellent. I really enjoyed reading this poem and, you know what? I got it. There was one distraction for me - 'He felled three Corbie's' because there's a town called Corby nearby and that town is kind of this towns nemesis. Ah well, I digress. This was one of the few serious writes I've actually enjoyed. Thanks. Barbie. Xx

  • malkinpuss
    March 23, 2005
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    Dakkon...thanks so much!


  • Lovely Luci
    March 23, 2005
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    Bravo

    Very, very awesome poem. It flowed wonderfully, enticed me with its imagery, and kept me reading to the very last drop. Good job


  • malkinpuss
    March 22, 2005
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    Danna Hobart, thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it a lot. To me rhythm is the most important thing...and forced rhyme is unnatural....I don't believe that phrase has an unnatural rhythm...but of course this is only my opinion. Thanks for the critique I do value them

    Edited on Mar 29, 5:58 because ''.


  • Danna Hobart
    March 22, 2005
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    If flows nicely, but

    “Today I’ll feel the burn”
    Said he
    (rubbing three stones thoughtfully)

    this is the epitome of forced rhyme, and it tells more than it shows. The end is strong.

  • malkinpuss
    March 20, 2005
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    ThanksPamela

  • steelvenom
    March 20, 2005
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    It's like a nightmare or something, this is an awesome poem. Your flow is perfect and it describes the scene perfectly


  • Pamela
    March 20, 2005
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    I,personally, adore this piece..It has that EAP quality with your own personality woven in a most spendid fashion! and..i have a thing for the Raven influence love the background as well..can I borrow it? lol
    I felt nothing was forced in this work..a smooth read!(my opinion)

    Thank you for entering the contest
    ~Pamela
    Edited on Mar 23, 7:47 because 'time came to me'.

  • malkinpuss
    March 16, 2005
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    unanswered...


  • unanswered
    March 15, 2005
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    Your welcome. I don't comment unless its worth the time it takes me to write it. Just keep up the good work. I've got my eye on you.lol

  • malkinpuss
    March 14, 2005
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    unanswered...Thanks for the wonderful comment!!!!


  • unanswered
    March 13, 2005
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    This poem is very good. this is probuably on of the best I've read all day. It amazes me after a day of medioker reading and bame you hit a really moving piece. I've got to add you to the list of my favorites. I hope I will read more poems like this from you. Keep it up. If It was up to me you would have my vote.

  • malkinpuss
    March 13, 2005
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    noxgurl13...hey thanks so much!


  • Noxgurl13
    March 13, 2005
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    wow. that was amazing. I totally agree with sacred screams. that first line got me. you rock.


  • malkinpuss
    December 30, 2004
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    Wow! Fallen Faery....Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
    Edited on Dec 30, 7:20 p.m. because ''.


  • L. J. Arien
    December 30, 2004
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    oh my friggin' GOSH! This was soo good! Omg, I LOVED this! wow! You are like, SO gonna wind dis one! Awesome write!!! (I can't believe you made it rhyme too! MAN!)


  • malkinpuss
    December 21, 2004
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    Jantastica, You and I are in agreement regarding punctuation. Thanks so much for reading this and for your wonderful words of encouragement. It means a lot to me!
    Edited on Dec 21, 7:27 because ''.


  • malkinpuss
    December 21, 2004
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    Thank you so much tabula-rasa-4! About punctuation marks though...I really don't like them in ANY poetry. Look at most published poetry...less than 5% use punctuation. It throws me off when I see it in other peoples work. I believe the reader should have more flexibility. Thank you for your suggestion though and for taking the time to read and comment

  • malkinpuss
    December 21, 2004
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    Thank you so much, scaredscreams!


  • jantastic gold member
    December 20, 2004
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    I've come to appreciate art with and without punctuation so I didn't have a problem with that! I really liked the language and the imagery in this. A strong vocabulary and easy rhyme pattern that isn't too singsongy lend sophistication to the piece. You have some wonderful techinque in here.
    Atrabilious ghouls
    In feuding flocks
    ....that is wonderful and alliteration adds so much to an image as it catches the reader's attention. Well done!

  • tabula-rasa-4
    December 20, 2004
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    Your vocabulary and rhythm were truly superb, but I must make the suggestion that you include punctuation marks where they are needed. When I was reading it was difficult for me to recognize where a thought ended and a new one began.

    Very good work.

    Alyshia

  • malkinpuss
    December 19, 2004
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    Why thank you foreverMe! Thank you so much!


  • foreverMe
    December 19, 2004
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    i loved it. the darkness that it caries through all the poem.its like a sad type a wonderful kinda like...its a sad poem but it is really good.kinda hard to explain but other than that your poem was positively dandyfull.lol.loved it

  • malkinpuss
    December 3, 2004
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    Thanks deadfairy

  • deadfairy
    December 3, 2004
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    hehe this is a very corrowful poem but i like how the guy stands up to the fear at the end. its very dark and interesting

    nice one!


  • perthro
    November 8, 2004
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    bella! bella!

    Hey...I liked this!

  • malkinpuss
    November 7, 2004
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    Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.


  • SomnusLupus
    November 6, 2004
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    yeah, this bored me to sleep.


  • deadboy
    October 24, 2004
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    is this contest oveR? how do i know when they are over?


  • malkinpuss
    October 24, 2004
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    Ya I know that's why it's in quotation marks and called a "quote" by the dying man. Initially I wasn't sure where I heard it but you and another musically adept poet refreshed my memory. Thanks for the info!


  • deadboy
    October 23, 2004
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    im ify on that line

    when death sleeps it dreams of you - is from an acid bath song called dead girl - so thats all i have to say


  • malkinpuss
    October 17, 2004
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    Wow and I love your stuff feeling...a little inferior when I read it...your praise means a lot to me coming from someone as talented as you!


  • October 17, 2004
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    Every time I read this I like it more, it shows great mastery in writting and is just...well beautiful, and I'm always found of stories mixed into songs or poems, but you NEED to go read the rules you missed 2 things that are important if you want to be able to win anything in this contest.


  • AzureBlue gold member
    October 13, 2004
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    Impressive!

    Wow, I am impressed with everything of yours that I read. This is no exception! My work pales in comparison and I am humbled.....

  • zara
    October 1, 2004
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    I'm very drawn to your use of language, the references, and the seemingly incidental (though obviously not) use of rhyme.

    I would prefer it left-justified; I think it would be easier to read because the eye doesn't have to search for the start of each line, and I think perhaps the shape created by the center justification distracts from the words...I don't know... just my opinion, of course.

    still, this is good writing. I look forward to more.


  • SummerSwann
    September 28, 2004
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    This is incredible...it has a certain timeless quality that I have never been able to create in my writing. I have been having trouble with "The Gallows chaotic damned" quote, but I think you've hit the nail on the head.

    I was checking out your author info and was suprised to see the the top two influential poets you listed are the same as mine. Jim Morrison inspired and taught me how to write...most of what I have written was inspired by his work. I just added a poem called "Lead me back" which was, in a way, inspired by Leonard Cohen..."take this waltz" to be specific. Check it out...you'll probably notice some Morrison and Cohen references in it.

    Keep up the amazing work!

  • IrisVerde
    September 28, 2004
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    Amazing

    It's a story, it is really nice. It flows and is quite beautiful. It really shows you have a great talent (which I already know). Thank you for the comment. I was really unsure on the keepers of the flame. It needs editing. anyway, Great job. I am blown away and awed.


  • Manicmuze
    September 27, 2004
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    This has a very classical feel to it and an intriguing rythmn and flow... I really enjoyed reading. I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
    Nicely done,
    ~ Wendy


  • Sinfiend
    September 25, 2004
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    "Dead girl..."
    Those lines remind me of a song, you may or may not know. You have quite a vocabulary, which you fluently express in this here pow-em. The descriptions are vividly dark and expressive, and give the words themselves life, which in return, gives your write almost it's own personality. Great job.

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