Someone, love me again
I’m so sick and tired
of this fragile world
made up of lace and lies
It’s so beautiful
but completely painful
and I’m so lonely here
living in this dream
you’re not even here with me
After building this cage
you’d leave me to drown
in tear drops and sighs
in all my weaknesses
I trusted you to keep me
sane and breathing
what a fool I was to dream
I was mistaken
so sorry darkness
such a stupid girl
to trust a stranger
told you to handle me
with care, but
instead you broke me
and all my fears return
never trust the darkness
Someone, save me again
I’m so lost and scared
trapped in this prison of lies
It’s decaying around me
killing my fantasies
driving me mad
and I’m so frightened
reality’s crashing in
you’re ignoring my pleas
I begged you to never
leaving me to drown
in a sea of shame
in all those mistakes
I hate myself for my naiveté
thinking that you would care
would keep me breathing
I was mistaken
so sorry darkness
such a stupid girl
to trust a stranger
told you to handle me
with care, but
instead you broke me
and all my fears return
never trust the darkness
Author notes
such an idiot for trusting some thing with a penis, what was i thinking?
Written September 22nd, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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ty, but i do need to update it alittle
jiselle -
wow that was great..deep..i liked it alot...ur a good writer...
stEphy -
things i noticed:
some really stellar lines in here (couple of examples: stanza 1--lines 4, 11-13
stanza 3--lines 4&5 [well, kind of, i'll expand on this later])
also, message is clear to reader without being completely overt--a good thing (though, still it's more overt than i'd like to see. but, you have avoided the ultra-straight-forward & banal forehead-slapping phrases like 'i want you to come back to me'...so, that's a plus.)
other things i noticed:
this is a biggie--> you used "so" an aweful lot of times, before adjectives. any way you could take some of those out? need all of them in there for some reason i can't see?
(here is where i muse for a little bit about a piece of the poem. feel free to ignore this section if you wish. i realize it probably doesn't arrive at a definative conclusion about anything...) the example i listed earlier from stanza 3, it's good description. but (and, this is kind of a ...subjective reader thing & quirk in the structure of what you've built up.)
if you are trapped in a prison of lies, and that prison is decaying...wouldn't that be kind of a good thing? i mean, like the lies dissolving... falling apart. so, atleast you escape the prison. yes, so, that's what you were going for.
i think what i'm getting at here is that "i'm so lost...in this prison of lies"--would that work better in past tense instead of present?
i mean, had he trapped you/built a prison of lies around you...now it's falling, or collapsing under the weight of truth.
so, now maybe it's not a good feeling, but underneath it all it is some kind of savior in itself.
anyway...
i didn't like that you repeated stanza two at the end. this isn't a poem with much structure, which is fine, but to repeat stanza 2 makes me think you were aiming for an ultra-structured thing and lost it somewhere along the way.
one more gripe: any way you can vary "you'd leave me to drown" and
"leaving me to drown"? it's one of those redundant things that reach out at me. are both necessary?
could you reword it and make the second seem fresh?
maybe it seems like i hate this. i don't. it's not bad. it's headed to good places, readers can relate (i can.), and you've shown you've got a spark for description in some places.
but, there is room for improvement. (always is, i guess.) -
what we have to do, is find ppl that we can trust and then give our hearts into their keeping. But never trust those shaddowy types who u know whould hurt u in the end
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Sometimes we have to trust though. This was nonetheless a beautiful write.
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