Sprawled across a dusty couch, a fiend shoots dope in silence;
Lone amidst a warring world—-one way to cope in silence.
Underneath the shifting heights, in tempest roar or sunshine,
Sitting on a rock, a monk expands his scope in silence.
On a hillside, old madrones unfold their hues to heaven;
Probing roots fan out and weave beneath the slope in silence.
Chanting in cathedral gloom with eyes fixed on the rafters,
Solemn voices rise and fall as thoughts elope in silence.
Tender faces turn in vain on seeking love or counsel;
Countless children walk the streets alone to mope in silence.
Shadows phase in depthless dark like phantoms but imagined;
Lost amid the shifting forms, the spurned ones grope in silence.
Clumsy creatures claw in fear and strike with fangs of venom—-
Shield your heart with care, Zahhar, and hold each hope in silence.
Author notes
to learn more about the ghazal: allpoetry.com/
Written February 8th, 2003
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Nice dark, resonating piece you have there, I really get the feeling you have experienced something comparable; this piece really made me think, well... done...
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Read this before, twice
I liked the flow, the images and how you have shown the similarity of idea on every couplet but using different subjects.
Very well done, and that I mean the content, the form, of course, must be excellent too, I have no idea
K&L,
Mari
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well, let's compare the existing couplet with the couplets before and after it using some notation to isolate the feet:
(Sprawling) (on a) (dusty) (couch, a) (fiend shoots) (dope in) (silence);
(Lone a)(midst a) (warring) (world—-one) (way to) (cope in) (silence).
(Under)(neath the) (shifting) (heights), (in tem)(pest) (roar or) (sunshine),
(Sitting) (on a) (rock, a) (monk ex)(pands his) (scope in) (silence).
(On a) (hillside), (old mad)(rones un)(fold their) (hues to) (heaven);
(Probing) (roots fan) (out and) (weave be)(neath the) (slope in) (silence).
so, each line (all the way through the poem) is a strict trochaic heptameter:
(- .) (- .) (- .) (- .) (- .) (- .) (- .)
the changes you're suggesting:
(Beneath) (the shif)(ting heights), (in tem)(pest and) (in sun) iambic hexameter
(Medi)(tating) (on a) (rock, *) (monks ex)(pand their) (scope in) (silence). trochaic octameter
the first line is a foot shorter than the rest of the lines in the ghazal; the second line is a foot longer. note the little asteriks, this is indicating that the ceasura has become a part of the meter, which also doesn't occur in any of the other lines.
so there's my prosodic rebuttle.
content-wise. i remember when i wrote this i wanted the focus to be on "a monk" (the image in my mind was a single monk meditating on a rock through the years). in zen, meditation is often just called "sitting". zen masters and students tend to work to remove any hint of religiousness from their practice, and so like to veer toward simple words to explress profound concepts rather than the other way around. i also like "tempest or sunshine", which seemed to crystalize the image (in my thinking) of the monk withstanding his own desire to seek enjoymenet of pleasent weather as well as withstanding his own desire to seek refuge from unpleasent weather, always staying focused on single-pointedness of mind.
so, i won't be changing that couplet.
i am glad that you studied it so thoroughly though.
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I love the way you have mastered this form. It may not be popular amongst the throng of poets around here but, it is one of my favourite forms. Now for the critique.
I like all of the couplets except one. The title is brilliant.
The couplet that troubles me is:
"Underneath the shifting heights, in tempest roar or sunshine
Sitting on a rock, a monk expands his scope in silence."
"Sunshine" feels out of place here. If you don't mind I've though long and hard about this couplet and I want to share with you how I would have written it. By no means am I trying to step on your toes I just feel compelled to share.
"Beneath the shifting heights, in tempest and in sun
Meditating on a rock, monks expand their scope in silence."
What do you think? I think it flows smoother, but that's JMHO.
I think you are one of the most clever poets on here so I look forward to your response.
~Bezoar
Edited on Sep 18, 9:13 p.m. because ''. -
While not my favorite form by any means, I ever like reading what you've written. Sometimes I feel a certain blandness in this form because people must choose their words wisely, and often do not. It makes for flat reading at times.
I have not been disappointed by any of your Ghazals as yet. In fact, each time I see you've posted another, click I go (I love the mouse, I do, I do).
I have not felt the need to write any, though yours do make me desire to try, at times. Anyway...
Thanks for posting, a pleasure to read. -
I especially like the flow to this one, Erin. It has a grand rhythm to it which enhances the content quite magnificantly. I don't think I have seen this one before...or perhaps it is in one of your chapbooks which I have not finished reviewing a second time. Most enjoyable read, sir. Do I notice a bit of assonance in use here? Maybe unintentional but very subtle.
Del
Edited on Sep 18, 1:37 p.m. because ''.
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