dust particles
float in glare of light
vibrations from the bass
of almost heard music
echo through the walls
the chill of breeze
along my spine
through window brushing
curtains aside
sense scent of old
cigarettes smoked
in ashy tray and stubs
arrogantly lay
disquiet, this quiet
almost but not whole
in comfort that is
my home
Author notes
Just a five second glimpse around my room for a little inspiration. This is what I saw.
Written September 16th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
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I had to sit for a moment and appreciate the world you created in so few words. Simple and touching. Bravo.
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I like the lack of extra words, they make it seem as if you're writing with some sort of urgence, probably because you were struck by what you saw.
I also like the repetition of "almost". In fact, the description you wrote is a very almosty (yay, new word lol) one, and I like that because you can never nail down an atmosphere. It's the in-between, the present which is the middle between past and future. I know I might be stretching things here, but such a simple description really did it for me.
Thanks for sharing
xxx
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this is really lovely!!
may I be unkind enough as to suggest a little change?
the first two lines could be :
dust motes float
in glare of light
but i like it your way too
I really really like the overall atmosphere!
hugs!
Dave -
“And echo in the sound of silence… Hello darkness my old friend; I’ve come to talk with you again” – well not entirely, but it had a very solitary feel… it just needed the slow, echoing drip of a kitchen tap, to mark off the time, like some vague clepsydra of doom.
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