Trapped in limbo
over a life
filled with constant
strife…
You struggle to survive-
half asleep,
half alive.
You go through motions,
of sweet devotion,
constant rejection
searching aimlessly
for her perfection.
Spins you round
Till you can’t breathe
spiraling down,
bottom-bound,
unable to succeed…
Doesn’t matter
it’s just all
senseless chatter,
as she sucks you dry
just to fill her need.
Crucified is your mind
unfulfilled,
undefined,
a quick fix
just to feel satisfied...
She’s robbed you blind,
unable to accept being
lost in her world
as you’re found
wanting and
…tongue-tied.
As you struggle to survive
Half asleep,
Half alive,
her life swallows yours,
until there is no more…
Yet in the end,
there is no ‘and then’
because she's systematic
when you blend
time and time again,
into a forgotten thought
becoming one with static…
Author notes
Written September 15th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Your Best Three Pre-writes by piccola.
800 points, ended November 27, 2008, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Nice job. Reminds me of song lyrics ... I love the becoming one with static. seems so unfeeling ... kind of spiriling toward death. Anyway, nicely done and thank you for entering
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I am in love with this poem for sure! It's great! I love the words you used "Half asleep, Half alive", it really stood out to me.
Great poem! Nice rhythm and flow! Thanx for entering, good luck!
~Jenners -
I predict the winner...
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WHOA! This was great. I really like the message here. It has a lot to say about the difference between your need for love and sex. Great job!
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I dont know what to say which is unusual for me! THis is great! Not my perfered style but this really does say something big! Great job! Keep up the good work!
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I loved the iratic flow of this piece, that worked incredibly well, with wonderful characterisation of the female described. Kind of scary
Kat xxx -
Why thank you much for your kind words and thoughts on this piece..and I do appreciate your time in reading!
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Awesome
The meter and rhythm of this write is jumpy and so well crafted moving like static electricity from start to finish.
Awesome job! -
DAMN, this was good. The last verse and the general wording all gave this a cool, well written feel and sound. I like all the little contradictions you left scattered here and there as well, those made it really catchy and interesting.
A lot of these are really sinking into me on a personal level, which is going to make this very hard to judge. Your descriptions of the girl in this make her so appaulingly lifelike you can almost see her. Great job.
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Clever style with this. I'm not up on technicalities and all that. But I like the form that you used, it kept me wanting to see what was coming. I'll be back to see some more of your work.
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Outstanding
Whoa, sounds like a bad trip through life. Greats thoughts expressing it. It's a shame that we sometimes put the pedal to the medal and never see what's by the wayside. Keep up the good work. -
great composition...concept, the flow and i guess everything on it was just perfectly written, ate 'Mo' i'm telling the truth, lol! Really good!
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limbo is fun, you can freefall like a spaceman. a nice cheerful poem lol look on the bright side, a suck was involved.
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Your lyrical sense of direction to this poem is first rate! Excellent cadence and word placement! The poem had me think about a codependent man in love (well lust) over a chemically addicted prostitute who sees him more of a client or simp (simple or supposed to be pimp) than her man...Maybe that is not what you saw, but that is what makes poetry wonderful!
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wow, i really love the way this sounds when read aloud.
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