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Blood Brothers

 

Every line
Curve of face
Set of jaw
Shape of head and...
"The One Great Flaw"
It worms its way inside my thoughts
Seeking grace but
Unenlightened
Remains nomadic
(why do you do it?)
(how does it make you feel?)
I watch you and you are...
Impervious to the thrill
So why do you do it?
Lie for it
Pawn for it
Con for it
(though mostly yourself)
Every line
Curve of face
Set of jaw
Shape of head...
I hold the familiar dearness of you
Close to those secret parts of me that
Whisper in my dreams and
Cannot be spoken out loud
My feelings for you slip and slide
Through wormholes of worry
(I know it has nothing to do with me)
You have been inextricably entwined
For so long you have become one
So... I love all of you then
Even that not so secret friend
Flowing intimately through your veins
Blood brothers
Of pain

Author notes

option 4 - loving an alcoholic

Written September 15th, 2004

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 39 of 39

  • Ryno
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My first impression of this was that it was a really cool write... the phrasing of the piece was well done and the topic was a nice little spinoff of what normally comes along with the writings of alcoholism.

    I do think, that it could use some work. I think this piece really lacks imagery, it needs to use images to tell the story, just ... explain the story, I feel that makes it a lot stronger.

    I also believe that the line breaking needs to be looked at ... it was really choppy in spots.

    Also I think the "lie for it, con for it, etc" was a kind of cliche way out of describing some...lists never work in poems, I feel.

    Besides that though, the emotion is really striking and I liked this write. Well done.

  • Ryno
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    feeling it
    ~prewrites come and get them


  • aslanlight
    February 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Whoah

    An amazing write. What really stood out was the part about it not being a thrill so why do it? It does reach the point where you're only doing it to feel normal so of course others can't understand. It's a crafty, tricky and lethal disease and you get that!
    Thanx for entering.

    Love, light & peace

    Georgia


  • StormGoddess Greeters member
    December 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I can feel a coldness coming from this page, though it is aboout loving an alcoholic, to me it's like the writer is frozen in that love. Interesting piece.

    Thank you for entering and good luck
    Storm


  • malkinpuss
    May 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Aun Ali, thank you!


  • Aun Ali
    May 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    A different presentation of things, good style. Well versed, no rich words, no curves, just the normal language, easy words. These are all the ingredients of a good poem. Congrats!

  • malkinpuss
    April 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    a n g e l, thanks. It is about loving an alcoholic.


  • a n g e l
    April 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    this is an intense poem, i didnt actually get the gist of it straight up!! good luck in the contest!!

  • malkinpuss
    April 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    shatteredremains, your words...very much appreciated. Thanks!


  • shatteredremains
    April 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    wow.. This is so inspiring. I really like your choice of words also, especially "inextricably entwined" I don't know why but that just caught my eye as I was reading. Thank you for entering and good luck!
    ~shatteredremains

  • malkinpuss
    March 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    TygerSiren, thank you so much!


  • Basts Siren
    March 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    this is very powerful. and the rythm to it was a lil different but at the same time it was very natural and flowed very well. there's so much insight in here along with tons of emotion. from the moment i started reading i could tell it would be amazing. the beginning really got me and the rest strongly held my attention.

    "Every line
    Curve of face
    Set of jaw
    Shape of head and...
    "The One Great Flaw""


  • Touchof1der silver member
    August 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I think I like this one even better than the one I just read. this paints a rather ghoulish picture and the imagery is much richer here. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
    ♥ Kimberly

  • malkinpuss
    July 24, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    i love vaseline, thanks so much for your wonderful comment!


  • i love vaseline
    July 24, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This was a wonderful poem, I really loved it and found it touching, although I can't personally relate. It was seriously beautifully written, wow! good luck in the contest, although you totally don't need it

  • malkinpuss
    July 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Corvin Adonis, thanks for the awesome encouraging words!


  • Corvin Adonis
    July 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Intense and mezmorizing! I really enjoyed reading this, I feel like I want to read more. Good luck in the contest

  • malkinpuss
    June 1, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Alone inside, thanks for the cool comment!


  • Alone inside
    June 1, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    this is a really unique poem and i love the style that you wrote it in. The background and font of the writing really adds that special something to the poem too. Great work, and thanks for entering
    ~take care~


  • FineDarkMoments
    May 30, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    soooo good

    i quite liked that poem...espicially the line "Even that not so secret friend, Flowing intimately through your veins..."
    the ending was great....i wish i could write like that...


  • Shakari
    May 30, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Whoah! The darkness, the uniqueness! I have been clicking all week on magnificent poems that I have never seen the likes of, and yours is one of them! I hope that when my contest gets rolling...need points for prizes, you will be there to take part in it!

  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    surriality, thank you for reading my poem. Your comments made me feel great!


  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    fallendreams, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It is about loving an
    alcholic.

  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks so much for reading and commenting...it is about loving an alcholic.

  • fallendreams
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    This is certainly unique. I seem to be clicking on poems that are just out of reach for me to get a good grasp on. I guess I should retire for a while of go to the childrens poems.


  • surriality
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply

    Impressive

    I was impressed by how you captured me in the emotion of your poem. It rhymed well, and it was beautiful!


  • Venus
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    this was a very unique poem... although i did give me a chill up my spine... it was way cool and i loved the title.... very creative!... anyways keep up the great writes!
    ~`Sara`~

  • empty-thoughts
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    i don't really understand this poem. course it may be because i'm just so out of it today... i like the rythm and flow though even though i don't get it...

    keep writing.
    Ellen

  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    LOL Thanks jantastic for reading and commenting!

  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for reading and commenting zoloftandlaughs!

  • malkinpuss
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for reading and commenting crystalshiva!


  • jantastic gold member
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    I'm bookmarking this as all I can muster in my post santa time haze is that it is very good, and hell that's not much of a comment. Merry madness.

  • zoloftandlaughs
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    kind of dark...odd...and i like it :-) you word things very well.


  • crystalshiva
    December 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    awesome write, that was really good.i hope you did well in the contest.
    Vicky^_^

  • malkinpuss
    November 10, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you...your words honour me.


  • angelofcleansheets
    November 10, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    That was awesome. They really reminded me of lyrics. Is this under the lyrics category? I'll go look.

    No, but it could be. They were beautiful. I really felt the "lie for it, pawn for it, con for it" part. It was so relatable. And why do people do it? For a reason that doesn't mean anything. This was an awesome piece of work.

    Also, thank you for commenting on someone else's poetry in this contest.

  • Praise his name
    October 16, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing write you have here thanks for entering
    God bless
    mary


  • Mari Goes gold member
    October 1, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Blood brothers of pain...very unique line
    I enjoyed this poem and the imagery in it.
    Thanks for the good read!

    Wishing you well,
    Mari

    member of Peace Chain


  • Sinfiend
    September 16, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    This really was amazing, something about how you wrote this absolutely enthralled me. The first several lines hooked me tight, and this write didn't release it's grip til the very last line.
    All the descriptions in this really ring to me, appealing to me on a personal level, as it almost sounds like some of the things occuring in my life on a daily basis. The emotion and passion in this really jumps it up a lot, and almost screams the words in your ears. Great job on this.

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