It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
---The Velveteen Rabbit (The Skin Horse to the Velveteen Rabbit, on becoming real)
But i am, more real perhaps than he,
standing here, haggard and torn
pulled apart at the seams by my Dixie
and my love, my love for her and how she is
but despite the words of that Skin Horse
i still stand,
lost
in the darkening shadow of her countenance
i feel anything but real.
but my Dixie she feels, well, feels real
and more solid than I
she stands tall, golden like the sun
like I've said before, my Venus Rising
she glitters even, mostly
after her midnight escapades
and i wither, lost in that shadow of her
i am that Rabbit, of Velveteen ears
but she, she will not hold me
does not but drag me through dirt
until i am so past recognition
she feels it necessary to discard me
so she can flit with perfect happiness
onto the next toy
trading, using, tearing
and still i force myself to love,
love my Dixie passionately and with a fervor
that belies my broken state
while she pulls, pulls at my "hair"
and commits acts fit to blind me
and cries, her cries (though more like moans..to me)
make me wish i could not hear
and still, still i do nothing
lost in the drug of my Dixie
while she, she revels in her Realness
and i struggle to presume to love
Nyx...
Author notes
im not sure about this one, i wrote alot of it at work, and added bits and pieces at home, at (as im sure you can see) 330am.
but here it is.
Written September 12th, 2004
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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well, the way i see it, words might improve a picture, but not the other way around. actually... this debate is unnecessary :-/
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the backgrounds are my way of helping the reader visualize how i feel, to give them something ofwhat im pictureing.
N... -
Thanks to Nam's anal retentive attention to detail and your listening to him . . . I believe this is one fine piece of Dixie here. You write her so well now, like she is yours and yours alone. And I suppose that even in her madness and abuse, she is yours. To do, or not do, with as she pleases. I feel terrible for the way she so often discards you, pushes you to the side for the next cock, yet still persists in dragging you down to a level of unreality. A feeling of being unreal, nothing but a toy fit to maul.
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well, i say keep all commas, enjambments, and NEVER refine anything beyond what you're happy to submit the first time. the technical side is important of course, but if you cannot get the words, who gives a shit? and i happened to like the words.
also, i don't find the backgrounds add anything at all to the writing :-/ -
If you say so ..
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Now you're being EXCESSIVELY nitpicky
N... -
Yeah this is better. When I read this line (and this is totally up to you) 'i am that Rabbit, of Velveteen ears' I feel that 'Rabbit' and 'Velveteen' should both be lower-cased the reference is given in the Quote. I looked up 'Velveteen' and it's mainly used in lower-case anyhow and of course 'Rabbit' as well would be lower-cased.
Totally up to you but I feel the 'reader' gets the reference from the quote that them being capped is all for show and really isn't needed.
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The end of the first and the beginning of the second seems to me to be an enjambment but as well the beginning of the second seems to relay a different thought. It seems off to me.
--while she flourishes, i die (does that make sense?)
So i've fiddled w/ it, does it sound a bit better now?
N... -
Though it does push the line I feel in this line 'and i feel anything but real.' you do not need the 'and' in the beginning or at all.
In this part:
'she stands, tall, golden, bright like the sun
like I've said before, my Venus Rising
she glitters even, though,'
You're pulling a Nam by using too much comma's (yes I know I do this but when I do it it's with my speech pattern and I tend not to do it in my work - I try) and when you get to that third line with 'though' it seems way too repetitious in that regard.
'usually only after her midnight escapades
and i wither, lost in that shadow of her'
The end of the first and the beginning of the second seems to me to be an enjambment but as well the beginning of the second seems to relay a different thought. It seems off to me.
'onto the next toy (boy?)' I feel '(boy?)' should be taken out I feel the reader can discern what you're speaking of and if they can't they're an idiot. But I don't feel you need the 'boy' and plus it makes a rhyme with toy when a rhyme isn't really needed at that point.
There's nothing really wrong with this line:
'and against my will i can do nought but love'
I just don't like it. I don't like how you play 'nought' in that at the end. Just doesn't sit well with me.
In this part:
'and cries, (OH!! her cries [though more like moans..to me])'
I don't care for the (OH!!) part it seems juvenile. Maybe that's what you meant, I just don't feel it's needed and the [ and ( which I do myself but I believe I mainly do it in commenting than writing it just seems to not to bode well in the grammar you use.
I feel overall that the piece could be condensed a bit and keep that sensual feel to it.
That's about it it.
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I'll have to do it later, I have to go for now.
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have i ever taken someones bg w/out giving credit?
nope. im much more polite than that.
as for telling me whats wrong! please do! half the time i can't really figure out what's goin on that makes it sound wonky! Lemmy kno.! As for form/meter, since it's free verse, i never really follow them.
N...
Edited on Sep 12, 6:15 p.m. because ''. -
Love it!
This is so awesome. I love how you make it about the Velveteen Rabbit. I love that story! It's so awesome. Great job. Keep up the great writing. -
In the line 'and more solid that I' is 'that' supposed to be 'that' or is it 'than'?
All I can say is this piece seems really rough and not in the story-line but there as well. I mean form, meter, etc. it just seems like a first draft of some kind and by going by your authors comment I am thinking that this is exactly what that is.
I mean I could sit here and run a long list of what I feel is wrong with it but I don't feel that would be necessary. Just need to edit it a few more times to get out the kinks and then I'll come back.
Oh I lifted your background and no I won't give credit. I mean 'we' all lift so many backgrounds on the internet and mainly all we ever give credit to is the 'pics' we use not the backgrounds so it would seem a bit hypocritical of 'me' to give credit to someone who makes a background here and then give them credit when I don't do it for or anywhere else. I don't know if you've used backgrounds that weren't yours and never gave credit but I find it is as well hypocritical of those who say 'if you're going to use my background give credit to me when doing so' when in all reality they don't do it for those they 'take' from on the net.
See my point with that?
It's not that I am disrespecting you in anyway, I just don't see the point.
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