there are those who
devour themselves
from the inside out
they have been dead
long before their actions
outrage society
you cannot punish
a corpse
only desecrate it
this indignity
allows them to walk
long after they cease to live
they are cold clay
they have become
unmade
Author notes
option 1
Written September 11th, 2004
A contest entry
- Anything That Doesn't Rhyme by deathbyfrootloopsxx.
456 points, ended March 17, 2006, 38 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - gimme free form pre-writes ~ if you have at least 20 trophies by LadyUnique.
300 points, ended January 20, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Submissions for Poetry Magazine. by Norman Crabtree.
745 points, ended November 11, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Result Of Boredom: A "Whatever" Contest by Exodus.
525 points, ended January 25, 2008, 49 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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Amazing.
Your words were something far out of the ordinary.
The double line spacing was a down side though.
Thank you -
Thank you for entering my contest!
bloody brilliant. really minimalist and hard hitting here, but with that brilliant bitter undertone of disgust towards our floundering populace.
Good luck in the future. -
I like this, but I'd make a few minor changes to your line cut-offs, eg:
'there are those who
devour themselves'... it emphasizes the word 'devour', which is lovely and has a lot of impact...
I'd also advise using a bit of punctuation to add rhythm, as this is I felt a bit lost reading it.
Other than that, good job.
Thank you for entering. -
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FallinUpTheStairs
Thanks for your editing suggestions. I took them to heart. As a rule I dislike poetry with punctuation but i did some spacing and was in agreement with the line breaks (I suk at that!). Changes that I think makes it easier to read. Thank you so very much for your input it was tremendously helpful!
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Nice and fulfilling, even though its short in length. The whole corspe and cold clay metaphor is very original-- and I like it. Thanks for entering my contest.
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the phrase 'cold clay' is brilliant
good write and best of luck
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soulfriendly, thank you very much!
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Very well done! Bold words making a Bold statement!I could relate to most of the words written but do not consider myself exactly cold clay yet. I might feel like cold clay about 40 percent of the month but not today thank goodness. Again great job!
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phattkat, thanks for the thoughtful and insightful words!
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The font is fitting for the beast portrayed in your fine poem. Too many who fit the description wandering around this world. Seems there is always another ready to step up and replace the newly desecrated corpse.
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Why thank you so much Ayizan!
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secberm, hey somehow I missed your comment. I do agree with you you Dez...people prevail. This write is for those who lost. I used to see them everyday riding the bus to work ...I still see them when I am driving but it is not as up close and personal. These people, Dez, are dead inside and broken and dying on the outside ...and my heart breaks for them.
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lol pow! just slap me upside the head with this write why dont ya?
anyways this is VERY moving, strong and powerful. the way the font is done was whoa good luck in the contest and sug u really didnt have to critique other's entries but ty anyway
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I hate to say this malkinpuss but regarding the poverty and woe change begins within. With the residents/leaders. It's politics. As for the murder, agian politics. Increase in police presence (I may hate cops but they do serve a purpose). Wow... Just a lot. Why the murders... Can businesses (and work) be attracted there... Bring the business the cops will come... That community is a living breathing beast itself. And right now that beast is strung out on crack. It needs an intervention and rehab. But somewhere in there hope lives. A kid with straight A's busting his/her ass with a dream of getting out/being different. A mom working two jobs with desires to be different herself. Give her kids something. Jeez, that man who STICKS with his wife and they struggle TOGETHER! So... It isn't hopeless. Just hard.
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secberm ah thanks secberm...I wrote this when riding to and from work down the toughest and most troubled stretch of our small fair city. We have, per capita, the highest murder rate in Canada and an amazing amount of poverty and woe...I'd often wonder, as I observed, how we can change this situation...it is overwhelming...I'd watch the victims of the cycles of dispair and came up with this write...no solutions though....
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Excellent write.
"they are
cold clay
they have become
unmade"
Wow. I like that... -
Tumbleweed...thanks!
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This is great, and unfortunately, very true The rhythm is nice, especially in the last couple of lines, it seems to end on just the right inflection. (If that makes any sense) Good job and good luck.
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i loved ur poem
i have poems but they are not as anything as good as urs!!
my gosh i wish i could do ur work
it is so creative
i love it so so much
hopefully u read mi poems
well give a coment too but hey they r never gonna be as good as ur!!
~kels~
Edited on Jan 09, 4:26 p.m. because ''. -
Feeling, caring, doing, helping ...but that's just my opinion! Thanks so much Talia, for reading and commenting!
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very good
Beautifully done. I wonder what would be the requirements to be classified as one of the living. So many just going through the actions.
A good read.
thanks,
Talia -
Thanks so much...I wrote this one about 10 years ago ...it is about the people that I see in my inner city neighbourhood. I am flattered that you think it is slayer-esque!!!
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lol, sounded a lot like slayer lyrics actually, but the last four or so lines were much more poetic than i expected. nice work. cheers, kat
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Thanks so much Mellor, I think you did an awesome job of explaining. You caught the effect I was trying to create.
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Hey, that's really good! I like the idea of becoming "unmade", makes you think... Cold Clay, sums up the poem perfectly. Those last four lines flow weel, with the half ryhming of "clay" and "unmade". Like the abrubt ending of the rythem, aswell. As you read it, near the end, it just sort of...feels finished.
Sorry, I'm having difficulty explaining.
Excellent
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wow. what can i say? wow. that was really good.
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I liked this, its a very true poem. Great job and thanks for entering my contest
~Laura
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Wow..Thanks so much. I hope you learn to set yourself free...no matter how scary it feels. I would think it is better than being dead inside...I have experienced it and the thing is if you block ANY emotion...ultimately you block it all...one can't select which part will feel and which won't. Your words concerned me...but I am hopeful for you because you can contemplate yourself...that is the key to change seeing yourself as you are. Very hard to do I believe. Thanks again for the fine words.
Edited on Oct 25, 7:58 p.m. because 'typo'. -
Thank you for reading and appreciating my write. Your comments mean so much to me.
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Wow... "Dead from the inside out". Such amazing imagry...
"And it is this
Indignity
That allows them to walk
Long after
They cease to live"
I've often said that it's better to be a live shell of a person, then not alive at all... after reading your words I am really questioning my thoughts on that.
This weekend a complete stranger at a party started talking to me. It was about 4 am, and most everyone was passed out. He said that he wanted to talk to me so he could figure out why I was dead inside. I didn't realize that it was so easy for people to see into me like that. It was quite unnerving. I thought the walls I'd put up were strong, and high enough that people couldn't see in.... I sat and talked to him for a while, but couldn't look him in the eye. He asked me to, and I refused. Guess I'm more transparent then I thought....
Nonetheless, I'd really like to thank you for making me think with this beautiful poem.... -
What a cold, dark image. The flow was wonderful and 'You cannot punish a corpse
Only desecrate it' was definately a wonderful line...i went back to read it a couple time
All the Best!
Cheers!
Laura
Edited on Oct 24, 11:36 p.m. because 'Used 'wonderful' way too many times...need to go to bed!!!'. -
Ooh, that was bloody good. It flowed perfectly and hit my like a brick in the stomach. It was marvelous, well done!
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*stunned*
This is a magnificent poem It's short, to the point, and gives an explanation you can fill the world with, and uses just a very little amount of words... I like poems that way!
I really enjoyed reading this one!
Keep up the good writing!
Leander -
very dark and morbid..if that makes sense...enjoyed the background as much as the poem..a perfect fit...in my opinion...well written..worth the read
~*~blu~*~ -
wow,
that was wonderful. can I bookmark it? I believe so much of this. we are all clay in some ways though, being absorbed into manipulative pressure from others. It's sad but true. I love this, great job -
Thank You for you're wonderful words of praise and inspiration. You can't imagine how much it means to me!
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THAT was very deep, an interesting poem. You did a fabulous job writting it. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LAURA
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Wish there was more, but from what is there its great! Keep it up!!!
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Very very interesting. I had to read it a few times to truly grasp all the underlying messages here. Surprised me to find so many ways to read this considering how succinct a write it is to begin with. Incredibly enjoyable.
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Great poem, yeah, there are many who walk around that are dead inside, we just have to watch the news to discover that, with all the madness it shows there for us to take in.
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They are
Cold clay
They have become
Unmade
Incredible. Incredible. Amazing. Amazing. Yes, I just had to say those a couple of times. The full effect of this poem doesn't really hit the reader until the very end but BOY, does it HIT. And it hits hard. It's so haunting after you've read it. And I suppose it's only fitting when the poem talks about death, and the dead...which are actually kind of different, when you think about. Death, the act, the occurence, the various connotatios and mythologies and superstitions. But ultimately, it's just that. You're dead. Or not. It's oftentimes very easy to discern. And then the dead...this whole other species, it seems, still living--we give them their space, seperate from ours, of course, but there it is, still, passing us everyday...the graveyard, the cemetary, or whatever else you may call it. There they are. What are they doing there? Why can't we remember them with just our memories? Why do they haunt us so? -
Cold clay is the perfect metaphor here.
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kinda short, yes, but it says everything that needs to be said, great write! i enjoyed reading, thanks for sharing!
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well done
It is really loud in the way that it speaks, but silent in it's format. Short but a beautiful piece nonetheless. Thank you for the comment. -
Oh, this is really good. It is short, but it doesn't need to be lenghtly to get what you want to say to the reader. Also, thanks for reading my poetry...
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Ah!Excelent piece of work.The words stain the readers mind,leaving them to think about it long after they've read it.It may have been short,but its none the less powerfull.(how right you are.lol.you cant truely hurt or kill something allready dead.Exspcaily inside.)Very deep and moving.Keep it up.(it kinda gave me a chill reading it.)
Nature red in teeth and claw
hope
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That's a brilliant piece of writing, it's tinged with what feels like something rather personal... there again perhaps you are just that good a writer that your characterisation of the narrator is uncannily realistic... either way, excellent write. I look forward to reading more of your work...
~ Kumar -
wow... this is really amazing. though kinda short, but its really powerful and enough to get point across! i love part about punishing corpses... anyway, great poem!
*iva*
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