I blend this sea of lovers
like a soothing lotion
against my tanned and taught skin
moisturizing moments
glitter to the mix
of such bracelet jingled touch
their dainty and refined dance
sates my spirits
with mingled satisfactions.
Author notes
Written September 11th, 2004
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It seems that there is to be an on-going discussion re: the use of punctuation in poetry. Though I do usually use it, in this situation I felt the topic and the form chosen made the use of punctuation redundant. So, perhaps, it is simply a matter of taste. I will say the way you phrased your original comment about commas,periods, semi-colons etc - smacked just a bit of an overly strict high school schoolmarm but I felt quite comfortable leaving this as I thought best. I appreciate the extra thought you've given this write and hope you'll continue to give thorough comments.
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I agree with your "sensory overload". However I did read it out loud and seemed to run together without any puncuation. If you have ever heard Robert Frost read "The Road Less Traveled" on a tape, the spaces that indicate the separation that show stanzas does not hinder or even create a pause in his reading.
I have not missed the point either, and I find it silly that you would think such a thing! I comprehended the exquisite sensory imagery and the point wonderfully! As you did, I could have gone on about how beautiful it was, however I paused and went back strained to find something to say. That's what a critique is. Reading it out loud I could see how you say the rhythm is internal which I suppose is something I'm not used to. -
To stand in the rain and feel each drop as an individual lover? O! sensory overload!!
I think VioletTears has missed the point - between the doing and the thinking - the joining of senses: "mingled satisfactions".
Punctuation fits where punctuation is needed... If she read it aloud, she would understand that this poem needs none - it has its internal rhythm like the space between raindrops....
I, too, wish I had the formula for that "deep and important message just below the skin" - as Silica said - not the message, just the sensual formula.......
Shivers of delight at this work.
Yummmm
Thanks
p -
It reads like three haiku… and I don’t understand high queues, they always seem to have an epigram like quality yet as hard to grasp as polished p.t.f.e. covered in baby oil – I always get the feeling if only they had been allowed to add a couple more syllables we would have had the meaning of life – clearly stated – but alas due to form and Zen we are once again in the dark. I get that kind of feeling here… that there is some deep and important message just below the skin; all be it soft, tender, tanned and moisturized skin…
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Wonderful poem! Beautiful Imagery! Awesome Alliteration! But I would like to challenge you last line. Why exactly are the mingled? And explain that in your poem because you don't do so.
Andyour first line- "I blend...into?" Maybe? Why do you just blend and not blend into. I don't feel much rhythm (well, I play flute in band so that tells you a lot about me
) so I think you could say that without ruining anything.
I don't see any puncuation!!!
That's HUGE!!! in poetry!!!! The commas? Periods? Semi-colons? Where we would we be without them? Try using some. Remember-after every line there's a natural pause. But adding puncutaion can make that pause longer or shorter (the wonders of grammer!) If I'm wrong about anything or you want to complain and yell and say your poem is perfect-go ahead. I always do my best to "find something wrong" we good poems. Everyone deserves a critique.
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Never thought about a shower being that sensual or erotic. Wonderful images and sensations came to mind when reading this tasteful piece.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
hey u have a tremedious poem in here u perfect it been long i heard from u though am happy to see u again in tiis place i got carried away with this ur poem qiuet explainable
and i agree with ayla yellow rose too -
Oh this piece seems so tranquil to me...almost like a starry sky over a beach. The beauty this poem displayed was most indescribable, sences are absolutly whirling.
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this piece is very good. the words can engulf the senses and leave the reader in awe...great job here.
~joe~ -
Thought Provoking
A ditty about some dancing .......ahm yeah.......i could get really creative about what i saw here, but then this would rated x.......haha, i'll shut up now....great write. -
I guess you are honest about that one
Well done - whatever you may want to reflect here, it stays good poetry.
Myra -
roflmao...that felt like a personal remark..grin
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aww... but cubert, it's just a little ditty about some little ole rainshower ... I promise.
Edited on Sep 11, 9:20 p.m. because ''. -
lol..I am not going to get detailed about what I saw in this piece..a bit too graphic for other readers..lol..but fascinating work. Inspired indeed. It's too early for these kind of mental pictures you've given me. I'm gonna get into trouble..hehe. Need a smoke.
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