steel bars seal the concrete cell
dim lighting casts a haze on everything
suffocating hope until the pulse is still
here unheard there sobs a secret weeping soul
the air is weighed beyond all comforting
steel bars seal the concrete cell
some can sense a lost control
regrets cascade and crush in heavy throng
suffocating hope until the pulse is still
year by passing year brief glances rise and fall
a faded figure sometimes seen to hang
steel bars seal the concrete cell
wrenched within their drunken pall
detainees wake to hear a gasping lung
suffocating hope until the pulse is still
violence born of sorrow echoes through the hall
the final act of him who kicked and swung
steel bars seal the concrete cell
suffocating hope until the pulse is still
Author notes
my father killed himself in 1981 while being kept overnight in jail to sleep off his inebriation. i've wanted to try writing about that for many years, but it has been a difficult subject to approach. i also wanted to approach it in a way that i felt was truly unique, as he was a truly unique individual.
note that rhymes are coincidental. i'm only intentionally using endline consonance.
this is my first attempt to use three different meters in a villanelle. the meters are sort of rising and falling with the rhyme scheme. the second line of each stanza is an iambic pentameter, but the other lines alternate between catalectic trochaic tetrameter and hexameter. i'm not sure i like the way it worked out, but i do see how i can improve on this mechanism for my next villanelle.
to learn more about the villanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/784856/all=1
Written September 11th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- A Poetry Contest by -BlackKnight-.
400 points, ended September 24, 2004, 35 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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This poem is perfect, I love reflection poems, they always catch my eyes, like war poems, poems about wars. I would love to read more of your reflection poems, because they always seem to make me feel like thinking, as I always do. Mankind loves to think, you know that, atleast some of the better ones do, some have just broken all trace of thought. Well, thank you for this interesting poem, and wow, I am typing a lot faster today. See you around. - Lance Ryan Williams: I wish I was an eel...
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I read this and I am speechless really. Having read the author comments I first want to say I am sorry that your father took his life. Though I know time has passed, I know you must still think of him often. You are very right about it being hard to write of such things as this misfortune.
The flow of this villanelle is so seamless...creating imagery and profound feelings as the reader progesses through the words.
Thank you for sharing this work of poetry.
LIZ -
Mournful
To mourn for.... and yet ponder....
KAY -
This and the poem that you commented on. It made me relive the past. The imagery that you used made me visualize and smell every situation keenly like it was the J.D. that still lingers from last night party. I am going to checkout the other one.
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very very sad...sorry to hear about your loss
your poem: the title is perfect...like life living.everything becomes the light that shines on depression..and the 'person' is beneath all that...lost in the shadows...( wow, this is making me think )...the person being the only real 'thing'...thus automatically becoming the shade of suicide...depression has many shades...suicide being one of them..the person being that shade..because thats the only way it can be...in some way, in order to bring light to that ( for someone else to see, or self awareness ) it has to go through the idea of becoming nothing..or ceasing to be...which either comes from committing physical suicide or a mental suicide ( seeking help, and accepting help - fully )...or it becomes just an attempt..temporarily bringing light to it, but not taking it away....thats why so many people have so many attempts...not sure what to do..theyre in the shade, but feel the warmth of uncertainty - shade is shade, no room for anything else, but maybe that uncertainty makes it merely a mask of some sort, or a cover... ( all this being my opinion , of course )...bla bla bla bla bla bla..my mind went blank..i was going some where with that..but im lost...
neways...very sad..and so well written...
~*~blu~*~
Edited on Oct 27, 1:42 because ''. -
I loved this poem, and the way that you managed to convey the terrible sense of injustice and deep hurt caused by society's imperfections. I have struggled with the villanelle form for awhile, unsuccessfully, so I really admire the excellent work that you've done with this poem. The meter, rhyme, and rhythym carry the reader along, lyrically bringing them to the realization of the horror. Incredibly great.
Becky -
Congrats on the gold. Didn't I say you deserved one?
And gold, no less!
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love everything in this poem... u deserve the gold! loved how u used repition for how his pulse stopped and stuff.. wonderfully written.. ur really good. keep it up!
dnt -
congradulations on winning the contest. i was in the contest and i though i would check out the winners. i read your poem and i was speechless. it was really amazing. I'm sorry about your dad.
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Well, I have no idea how to comment on this. I think that if you do not end up with a trophy, well then...I do not find myself worthy in this contest any longer. I'm sorry for what happened so many years ago - and I know it must have taken a lot to write about this. Damn. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach now. About the poem itself, I was thrown off by the rhyme until I read your comment and then looked back and thought...ohhhhh! It truly is an excellent villanelle - I don't have the patience to write one myself. Damn...this is just spectacular, I must say.
Truly impressive!
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WOW, that was a lot of information to digest concerning this type of poem. I've never seen it before, and for a little while, as I read about it, its rhyme scheme baffled me until I lined up the two windows and compared the rhyme scheme to what I saw in your poem, and now I think I finally have it figured it out (more-or-less, that is). I commend you greatly for having submitted this, both for the fact that I've never seen this type of poem before (I'm showing my relative newness, if you will, to poetry lol), and because it must've surely been a challenge to write. The emotion in this poured out to be in bucketloads, and even now, I can still feel it. This was a wonderful piece, and I can't thank you enough for having submitted it. Good luck.
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I actually felt a little trapped and had a flutter of panic in my chest when I read this. That's not an easy feeling to evoke with just words. I'm sorry to hear for whom the poem was written about, you're very talented. -Karyn
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Excellent
Loved it. It was very good.
peace and love
-ashley
<3 -
I stand clapping with a tear in my eye
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Incredible
It is an incredible villanelle. What a way to express so sad a topic. You have done a master's work on this piece.
~Bezoar -
Riveting
I do so appreciate your author's comments...I think it always helps to know "where" the writer is coming from...I understand what it is like to take years to write a special piece and then question everything about it...I don't know that this will help you or not but I think you did a tremendous job of relaying feelings most likely thought...Having attempted suicide myself I know that dark dank place that you go to in your mind...The repetition of "steel bars seal the concrete cell" truly cements the piece and tells you where he was at during the time without even needing the comments...You truly have done a fantastic job and you will find that there are times that all the details of poetry don't matter...This is one of them.
I am truly sorry for your loss...I know this is the hardest way to loose someone.
All my best to you
Victoria Lin -
This is just horrible, and I am sorry this happened to your father and to you. I really feel bad
I was reluctant to click on it and was shocked that you would write something so dark, but I understand why, and it was an 'intelligent dark'- you spoke well of a very real social problem. When I read this at first I thought you were being just metaphoric regarding the bars of steel, and it really brought my poem 'Mannequin' to mind( with the feeling of being invisible, and trapped)...but then the next to last stanza made me realize you were also being literal. Wow, so many people in jail that don't deserve to be there(literally and figuratively). Thanks for writing such a sensitive piece(and of course superior in writing style).
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Realistic
This is a very sorrowful poem, you have managed to touch on worst area's of drinking and there effect on everyday lives. Very good write. -
admirable
Erin,
I read this several times and was at a loss on just how to comment appropriately. Suicide is always about those who are left to endure the act and you have my utmost respect for having broached a near impossible topic in an enlightening and poetic fashion without removing the tragedy of it all. The mixture of poetic devices are likened (to this reader) to the mixture of emotions you must have felt as you wrestled with the need to write this and I have a deepened respect for you for having shared this with us in a public forum.
Sincere condolences on your loss and genuine praise for your courage.
Del -
This poem feeds my blood thirst for death, an excellent wirte. It satisfies the traumatic of events to which we are left with. Great write.
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great
it fealt almost like i was there in the cell with him. the immagry was out of this world -
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. This was an awesome poem. I loved the imagery you used. It has a great flow to it as well. I can really relate to it. Amazing.
~Sarah~ -
wow this was amazin
i love the images of being trapped
the death
this is ver very good -
What a sad poem. Very well written however.
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I think you accomplished what you set out to do. It certainly is from a different perspective and I am so thankful you didn't resort to the gross cliches 98% of the AP population use when writing about this subject. I say, well done!
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wow, ur a master thinker. deep thinking about an emotion or environment is very appropiate at times. a poetic skill very rare these days. well a good day to you fellow fool.
of course i dont know what im talking about because i am full of wisdom.
~Fool
Edited on Sep 27, 10:22 p.m. because ''. -
That was really awesome, really sad, and even more sad when I read your author's comments. That's really harsh that that happened to you and your family but you seem like a strong person and it's good you can get your thoughts down through poetry. This poem speaks volumes and I loved reading it. Keep up the great work.
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this is a powerful piece. Especially considering what it is about. all your words seem to be carefully thought out in order to create a certain feeling. this might not be true but its what i got out of it. good job. and your father would be proud
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Reading your author's comment on this, all I could do was think, "Why?"
Your use of varied meters and slant rhyme is interesting, but I agree with you that it doesn't quite work. The different meters make your poem somewhat grating and hard to read, or listen to. Some would argue that this is a good thing, that this poem should be grating, but I would say that it should be smooth, so that the reader or audience can spend less effort hearing the words and more effort listening to what they mean.
Your images and metaphors are excellent, though. They more than make up for the small faults of form. "Regrets cascade and crush in heavy throng," perhaps, gives some insight as to what happened to your father. The straw that broke the camel's back is an overused analogy, but it seems relevant here. "Detainees wake to hear a gasping lung/Suffocating hope until the pulse is still," is an excellent use of one of the devices particular to the villanelle and other forms involving repetition: using the repeated lines in different contexts, and running them into other lines.
You have done very well here, and, I think, honored your father well by this poem. Many would say, "May he rest in peace," but I say: May his spirit live and act. -
im not sure about all those literary terms but i can tell you that this is a very intriguing poem ... suicide is a personal subject to me ....and one that is hard to write about and not be overdramatic which u did a good job on not doing....your choice of brackground is excellemnt as well
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This poem is written unbelieveably well. I can't follow any rules when I write, so I am always incredibly impressed when someone else does, and does it well. The poem flowed flawlessly and the rythem gave it a very powerful, and dark feel. The emotion was dark and definately affected me. The topic of suicide is a difficult one, but you masted it with this poem.
Again, superb write. Keep up the great work!
---etrangere -
Suicide is awful because it leaves you with questions you can never find the answer to, questions that didn't exist the day before... powerful villanelle here, your style is superb. Wonderful work!
-morgana
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i felt the emotion and content of this poem so deeply that commenting on the 'form' or meter seems almost ridiculous. what ever form or rhyme that was used it worked perfectly to give the piece its voice. 'violence born of sorrow', this, to me, is a phrase that sums up suicide with impact. i cannot imagine the pain that went into writing this. this poem affected me deeply.
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WOW! awesome piece! it flowed really well!
You did a good job in this piece!
I enjoyed reading it!
keep writin k.. t/c -
This indeed was a very unique poem. You also seem like a very unique person. Im sorry about your father, thats so sad. Im glad you can write about it now. Great poem, keep up the good work.
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I can understand while writing about you father's sucide would be hard, I haven't been able to write about my friend's suicide, yet.
(Liar) -
Excellent
That is an amazing poem! Your words really took me in an allucinating journey! -
Fantastic and stunning piece of writing. Having read the authors comments, I can truly appreciate the power and strength and ENERGY you put into this piece, which just pops and flows and runs off the tongue. Wonderful job.
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although i am not sure what all that poetry lingo means owing to the fact that im 15 and havent been able to dive that deep into learning poetry yet, this was fantastic writting. I thank u for promoting it, since i doubt i would have found it other wise. and thank u for giving me the privledge of reading it. This poem was so touching and powerful. The way u write, its unique and i havent read any other poems written this way. U did ur father an honor with this poem. Its captures everything so perfectly. Ur an amazing poet. And i congratulate u for being brave enough and having enough courage to write on this subject. Vast Kudos to u
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I can only applaud you courage in writing this piece and hope that it helped to ease your personal pain. I can't really comment on the different meters in any detail, as I am no expert. All I can say is that to me it read very well, both on the page and aloud. I find most villanelles rather hard going to read as the rhyming is so strict, but this flowed extremely well.
Kat xxx -
I can only imagine how hard it must had been for you to lose your father in such circumstances.
I can't write about the painful facts that happen (ned) in my life and maybe I should do it.
Erin, this poem is very emotional, very deep in its own grief.
The lines are self explanatory and that makes the poem even more sad.
I wish you well, always
Mari
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