A simple day turned to animosity
My heart was taken right before my very eyes
It started with a knock to the head
Walking past a music store on 7th Avenue
It came from above, though it made no sense to me
Why would someone strike me down?
I caused no harm to anyone
But still it occurred
I waited for aid to come along
I waited for a long, long time
It never came, I lay in pain
Right there on the sidewalk
The faces of the passersby
Changed as they watched me
Writhing in agony I was
Their faces moulded with my anguish
Observing me, they kept on going
Until one halted at my side
My eyes opened and saw the most
Hideous sight I had ever seen
My own heart held in this creature's bloodied hand
I could scarcely believe my eyes
Yet I felt nothing
No pain, no fear, simply surprise
That this winged assassin had done the deed
Who would have thought his next victim was me
And as he walked away...
Who would have thought that he was me...
Author notes
Written on 6th September 2004 at 02:39 GMT
The weirdest thing that could have ever come to my mind...
This was originally written for a contest with the choice - 'write about walking along a street and being hit by something from above, what do you do, what do passersby do'. I wrote the first thing that came to mind. At the end, I read it over and read it over, and eventually I realised that the hidden meaning to this poem was that I was killing myself from the inside, somehow. Still to this day, I don't know how, but this poem reminds me that I have to fight. Otherwise I will fall apart.
In a list
- trophy 1 - gold • next in list
- written for contests • next in list
- the art of depression • next in list
- self-realisations • next in list
- rhyme: none • next in list
- 21-30 • next in list
A contest entry
- Three Great Choices by MovieFan.
375 points, ended December 5, 2006, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Twist by Rootless.
375 points, ended December 21, 2006, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLDEN DARKNESS by Perennial Plague.
400 points, ended November 17, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This was a very good poem. Best of luck in the future and thank you for entering my contest Twist. Good luck!
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This one was pretty good. I liked this one and really enjoyed this one. Great job
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Hmm, this is a really interesting write. Excellent imagery. Thank you for entering. Best of luck.
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This leaves a lasting haunting impression and feeling to it. If this was wine, it would have a weird after taste. This piece has so many different levels and when you look into it, thats when you really start to understand I think. I liked your description of the events that went on and you can really visualize this in your mind. This had so many different levels I think because of all the metaphors that you used all through it. You had some good wording. Great write. Thanks for entering my contest.
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Ah your writings have always shown wonderful potential. Your message in this poem is perfect and the words you chose were superb! Thank you for entering
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Ah, the doppelganger effect. The deathly image of oneself. Metaphorically it speaks of that need to fight urges within as well as without--and suggests the evil within us all and the self-destructive nature in all of us. Strip away the metaphors and we still have a cool horror poem.
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Good
You... ...this is creepy, and sad. For my contest work, this fits in an odd way... you are one who would give yourself to the opposing forces against us in attempt to just... get itout, and yet... in doing so, give up yourself, and in turn, are taken to death in it all. Because you couldn't let it out, and thus you just... went. It's good. -Dan -
I like the style and the way you wrote this as well as the content
A powerful write, keep writing and thanks for commenting on my column
All the best,
Pozo
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Okay, well, honestly, this didn't do much for me for the most part, lol. I did like the small twist at the ending, that was rather clever, but the overall piece just didn't have that SPARK needed to cause my emotions to go reeling, lol. I think it had too many over-used imagery and wasn't marinated enough, lol. I'd certainly go back over this with a fine-tooth comb later on.
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Oh and according to the spellcheck, it's not spelt wrong...
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Ah, but the moral behind the poem is that I felt I was killing myself from the inside. Most of the time, I don't know what I'm writing about until I read it over again.
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"moulded" is spelled wrong. "I waited for a long, long time".. poetry doesn't nor SHOULD it require a repetitive use of words like that that don't really add any impact to what you are saying. I couldn't grasp any emotional intent in this poem and perhaps that's because, based on your author comments, you were writing for another contest, just for the sake of writing, and there's no personal experience to draw from, therefore there's nothing for me to relate to. Just sort of eh... not real impactful.
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No no no, don't be sorry, please. It really doesn't matter. It was a spontaneous fit of grr-ness. I'm over it now.
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I dont like this style, but over all the poem was good. I guess, just not my style...but it could grow on me, if I read more of it. Thanks for entering the contest, sorry again for you getting so angry.
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exceptional
oh very nicely done... this isn't wierd just very deep... i love this laura... i agree with Shinoda to a degree
exceptional write
billy
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Laura Laura Laura... this was interesting... You went for something so negative and then turned it around to yourself... that the creature was you... very interesting piece coming from you my dear. No matter though I still loved it. I mean you're my duckie... (pretty soon you'll have a flower name btw) and you are an excellent poetess. Awesome write my love.
Much love
*~Petal~*
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Damn, girl. Ya know what's weird... we share the same mind. Only I can't get my thoughts out like you can. Who ever woulda guessed how your heart was taken like that? I thought it was a metaphor at the beginning! Bravo, woman. Bravo.
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::claps:: this was awesome!!! my mind was totttttttaaaallly blown.... I especialy liked how you gave a little insight to how the poem was going at the begining!!!
My heart was taken right before my very eyes
Awesome job!
J~~~ -
TERRIFIC POEM
This is really good. I enjoyed reading it. I liked the ending. Take care, Sandy WONDERFUL POEM
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