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a simple prayer

 

boldly she walks into the mist--the cold gray mist
entrapped and overwhelmed she prays, “please save my soul…”
zephyrs with reverent care brush past her kneeling thoughts
only the grasses sense the weight, her heavy heart
above she sees a few faint stars burn through the haze
riven from heaven’s depthless shores, one parts and falls

 

Author notes

Written August 24th, 2004

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Symphony silver member
    September 9

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    This acrostic as a whole was pretty dang amazing; i really can't write them to save my life - perhaps because i always attempt to have them rhyme, and that doesn't always work out well.

    after reading this, I got the whole "dang wish id written this" type feeling - bravo! Favourite line had to be "entrapped and overwhelmed she prays, “please save my soul…”"

    But I did truly enjoy it overall

    • Zahhar gold member
      September 26
      ?
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      Well there are two things to keep in mind as you write an acrostic. One: To keep the language as natural as possible. And Two: That the lines only begin with a particular letter--this doesn't have to change the flow or the natural language of the poem.

      Yes this was a pretty good acrostic. I'll have to grant that. Though sometimes I wish I never wrote it.
  • Nicole Hanna
    June 16, 2007

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    I'm back Had to stop by and read your acrostics list. Yes, I read them all and it was refreshing, to say the least. The one thing that bugs the most about acrostics is that the pause is so obvious at the end of the lines, and each new letter in the word begins its own sentence. There's never any enjambment. But here, especially with the first and (into) the second lines, you've done a seamless job of it. I'm rarely a fan of "z" words. I think I'm an alphabet bigot of some kind or another, because certain letters just have words and sounds which don't feel like they belong in the flow of poem. Zephyr is one of those words for me because it sounds unnecessarily... intelligent. lol. Okay, okay, I know that sounds silly, but really, "wind" would work just as well(assuming this wasn't an acrostic of course). It's all personal preference really, and I definitely applaud that you thought of any word that starts with "z" because really, other than "zoo", my vocab is limited there. lol.

    "kneeling form", here I question if you need the word "form". I knew the "she" in this piece was kneeling, and the form of her is kind of implied just by the act itself, so it struck me as a little redundant in a way. maybe "...past her kneeling, only the grass senses the weight". The only other section I question is "bright" in the following line, only because I've always considered stars to be bright anyway, and the brevit of the description would, in my opinion, add more weight to the action of burning.

    Okay, I've gotten much more technical with this comment than I had intended, so I'll wrap up my jabbering by saying that the first and final lines are breathtaking. That last phrase "one parts and falls" has this finality to it that stuns me. It doesn't allow me to pretend happy things are coming around the corner, in the lines left unwritten. There is a subtle desperation found there. This poem doesn't bleed all over the page, which I'm thankful for, but instead creeps into me with the emotional references you've managed to sneak in, with only six lines to play with. Beautiful

    • Zahhar gold member
      June 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Nicole! You've inspired some minor edits. Thank you for your time and thoughts!
  • Kay Laon Anders
    December 17, 2006
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    hi

    all the acrostics were about your wife were not they?


  • Gwenevere
    February 5, 2006
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    EXCELLENT.I love this.SOOOOO!!!!! descriptive.I love acrostics too, Ros
  • Virgoan
    April 28, 2005
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    This is breath-taking! You captured a moment in resilience. This is really good. I am speechless.
  • ReleaseTheDogs
    January 15, 2005
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    Very nice, simply beautiful

    -Ashley,

  • Elminster
    November 15, 2004
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    its a beautiful poem.

  • Zahhar gold member
    September 11, 2004
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    i get the impression from my exposure to christian thinking that you get to keep your soul when you go to hell, but you're keeping it in hell rather than keeping it in heaven. so, technically, the soul's not lost either way, just in a really "bad" place or in a really "good" place. lol

  • Adios Muchachos silver member
    August 28, 2004
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    Dear A S,
    Very beautifully composed! What profit have you if you gain the whole world and lose your own soul?
    Best regards,
    John

  • The Phoenix
    August 28, 2004
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    I aswell Like th imagery, I love poems that paint a picture, Great work, I hope your prayers are always answered

    Awesome Write
    (critique some of mine if you like)

  • Andu
    August 27, 2004
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    I like the imagery.. descriptive poem, that paints a vividly clear picture in my mind. Very nice write, makes an excellent read. Well done.

  • August 25, 2004
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    Ooh, that's so sweet.

  • Duana gold member
    August 25, 2004
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    breathtaking. mouth hangs open

  • QueenMaab gold member
    August 25, 2004
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    Oh, I found it. Thank you so very much.
    ~Bezoar

  • MariGoes gold member
    August 25, 2004
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    Excellent acrostic! The lines have a very good connection with each other and the poetic tune is lovely.
    A very nice poem to someone that seems to have touched your poetic mind

    Hugs,
    Mari
1 - 17 of 17