Ages ago, she was an unearthly beauty, divine and angelic, the cynosure of all eyes. Now, her persona no more rolled. Behind the façade of her made-up face, lay the wrinkled, shriveled skin, eyes like sockets, the graying hair…
In the party, she had greeted people with fake smiles. She had refused to dance. Her puny bones forbade any bargain. She stared blankly as a rush of nostalgia overpowered her.
A humanly figure suddenly startled her. It took her a moment to realize, that it was her old buddy. Donning on her most seductive smile, she tried to charm him. But without effect.
“Your charisma is gone”, he said.
Eventually, the bitter moment had arrived; a lump of charcoal in her dry throat, she sagged. Her eyes frantic. Her fears unmasked. She looked ugly. She could see it in the dozen pairs of eyes staring all at her.
She collapsed. Her face whiter than the white marble floor. After a few chaotic moments of struggle, she lay there still; contented for the first and the last time…
Author notes
Written August 22nd, 2004
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1 - 7 of 7
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need to improve A LOT
respected sir/ mam,
i'm an indian, anuresh singh, who was brought up in uk, hence i cannot identify genders through indian names. many apologizes...
i've gone through your so called exremely short story. its beautiful composition of high vocablory, good talent, strong imagination and POOR GENRE.
this could 've worked properly in form of poetry (make sure you are aware of difference between a poem and poetry).
you 've used so many adjectives at same time without taking a break from your breath. all the adjectives do not help to picturize what you want to say. description of adjectives is badly crushed. you 've totally crubled the art of creative writing.
grammetical essence is very poor. too short sentences are used. interest thus, lacks.
before giving dialogue give discription of scenario, people n expressions, then corelate emotions.
if its your first attempt then i must appreciate. but you should do some creative writing course or take help from your friends who are good at writing. i've read remarks, n would like to quote,"its better to be cricised by wise than appreciated by fools ". i don't wanna say that others are bad but they should 've pointed out darker areas of your writings.
hope you will take these remaks positively.
looking futher for improvements and reply,
anuresh. -
Unusual and extremely poignant....keep it up...ur work is wonderful
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Your work is very deep and meaningful... very well written... keep on writing...
mina -
5 stars *****
humn.. this is a nice descriptive write aditi/apurva .... just would have been better if i would have been known what made you write this ... it is totally a meaningful and deep write... it made me drowned in its own depth of words... it was a good , may be true, and was surely understandable ... thanks for providing such a nice read to me.. take cares and have a nice time my dear friend... just keep it up aditi/apurva...your humble little friend.....
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... - vic ( who else? )
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great work
hmm.as i earlier said that u have immense thinking brain within ur head ,and that brain helps u out to say things so differently that no one can think or say so easily .u do have a flawless flow in ur writting ,just good to watch u again
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Apurva , a very powerful story-very applaudable
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Excellent
A sad but realistic story of many a women who trust on their physical beauty. Always depending on their charisma to get them what they want.
Reality kills them just as you have shown here. Well done!!!
Love from India(Coimbatore) - Joel -
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