I’ve seen James Bond skip casually
across the backs of angry crocs.
I’ve seen him escape from a freezer
with about ten thousand locks.
I’ve seen him fall off a glacier.
In a motorless glider, no less!
And I’ve seen him disarm a bomb
that was fastened to his chest.
I’ve seen him fly a helicopter
out of a disintegrating plane.
I’ve seen him wrestle a shark
and ride underneath a train.
And every time, he did this stuff
with only a second or two to spare!
Another moment and he’d have been
a steaming pile of skin and hair.
So this is my question about 007 -
If he’s so bloody well-trained,
why does he always take so long
to get himself untied or unchained?
In fact, I'd like to see one mission
accomplished without a single hitch
instead of constantly cheating death
and making me squirm and twitch.
Maybe he just needs some more training
or he’s distracted by all those chicks
but I’ve never seen anyone better
at getting himself into a fix.
For England’s number one agent,
sworn to protect the queen,
he comes close to death more often
than anyone I’ve ever seen!
What a bumbling nincompoop!
What an idiot, a boob, a cad!
You and I would both get fired
if we did our jobs that bad.
And what's up with all the unsafe sex
with heaven knows who or how many?
And who's left alone and frustrated?
Poor, plain, ol' Moneypenny.
To see a good woman go to waste like that
over and over is just a crying shame.
I keep hoping Bond will finally schtoop her
but every movie turns out just the same.
If Bond really was a man of the world
and not just some pretentious hack,
he would know the frumpiest women
are the wildest ones in the sack!
And as if I needed yet another reason
to give Mr. "Shaken, Not Stirred" a jab,
the overtan, drunken lounge lizard
is always blowing up the bloody lab!
But they keep giving him new gadgets!
I mean, shipment after shipment!
I would be in the unemployment line
if I destroyed that much equipment!
We don't need someone suave or macho
to keep on doing this to us.
Forget Connery, Brosnan and Moore.
Just bring in Jerry Lewis!
So the next time I see a shark tank
with ol’ Jimmy Bond locked in it,
I hope he gets out right away,
not at the very LAST minute!
Author notes
Option 8.
Party time on Allpoetry
I don't know if this meets the contest criteria, but I saw the James Bond option and had to throw it in. It's more of a commentary on JB in general than a particular movie. I hope it gives you a laugh or two.
Mark 
Written August 20th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- ~*~ Cocktail Party ~*~ by I M me.
300 points, ended May 7, 2006, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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now i never thought moneypenny was frumpy!! am i the only one? i always wondered why they just didn't get a room and get it over with...lol
this is a great humorous poem about a modern day "icon"...
i actually laughed out loud in some parts.
generally, it rolled along quite nicely, and the rhyme didn't seem at all forced, although the rhythm skipped a few times, but not enough to detract from the poem.
great entry
~diablostryst -
excellent
And.......This is why I invited you to the Glee Club.!
Excellent is about the most powerful thing I can say as I wriggle out of this bondage just to comment on your poem. LOL
Hugs
Jan -
damn right!!!I agree although I don't watch Bond films much!!good write!!
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I have to tell you that the best part of this was the bit about Moneypenny. I am still laughing because of the line about the frumpy women. That is just too flipping funny!
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well there is always mr bean, he does a great job lol i can't remember the title right now of the film but i am sure there was one where he was mistaken as some agent
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Ha! Exactly! And why don't they turn the lights on or, better yet, move somewhere else? lol If I saw a ghost, I would be at Motel 6 within the hour, and I'd call the realtor the next morning. lol
Thanks for stopping by!
Mark -
OH this is tooo funny! You think like I do! Of course we could get into the stupidity of horror movies also and all the times they "open that damn door behind which the really scary noises are coming from" Sheesh! LOL
Very well rhymed, great flow...and humor to make one smile on a very late Sunday night! Thanks so much!
Mary Ann -
This is just wonderful! I really will read it again to get the full effect here!
Great Poem!
Take Care-TGR (Theresa) -
This was too funny. I will comment better on it later. I am laughing too hard right now. Whew!!!
becca
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This had me laughing the whole way through it. You really we have a way with words and are quite witty. It was truly a joy to read.
Anna -
This is hilarious! (like you haven't heard that a million times!
) I'm still giggling- and ain't it the truth! Great write
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Awesome work
This is great. I have read alot of your poetry. Your style is great. Maybe one day i can write as good as youdo. The flow is excellent. You must hav alot of inspiration to write the way you do.
Iwill read more of you later.
Needless
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Hey Susan,
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she gets well soon so you can be together again. I'm glad this gave you a few laughs after such a rough week.
Hugs n love back,
Mark
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LOL
Thanks for the laugh I needed it so bad
My mom just got transferred out of ICU today she had a heart attack so this laugh was much needed since she is 90 miles away & I just got home yesterday after being there all week
I can remember the first James Bond movie and just had to go to the big city to the cinemas to see it
I thought what was the deal lol just a lot of trick and pretty women hehehe
My fav tho was Goldfinger hehe
Cute and thanks for the grin you bought to my face just now and the memories
Hope all is well with you
Hugs n love
Susan~~~
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I read it 3 times now, tried not laugh too hard on the first read (had a headache). Now I can laugh and comment without taking any risk of cerebral explosion
All what you say here is so true, and of course, you made it sound funny!
Every movie, Bond ends kissing a woman after have rolling, or jumping from the highest mountain, clothes and hair in perfect shape and not a single broke bone, amazing!
Mark you are way too good with those humor writes, and have a great creative mind too!
007 hugs to you,
Mari
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Scathing...and brilliant. I must admit, I am a fan of 007, but back in the Roger Moore days, you remember...the explosions were smaller, the one liners more frequent, and what can I say? A young Roger Moore still floats my boat. :: laughs ::
Oh man, there are times I think I over share, but there it is. This poem is wonderful, whimsical and very well written.
I loved every pointed line of it!
Cheers, Mark
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very well done. i have to say im not a big fan on james bond but all the same a good poem. wooooooooooooooooooa thank you for entering
sara ~
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Very funny Mark! It made me laugh. And whats with always getting the georgeous women involved in his antics, too?
Good grief!
Cheryl
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