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Wall of Lies

Turn a blind eye to look inside.
Smell the fear that you cannot hide.

Bite down hard on your serpent tongue.
You won't admit the wrongs you've done.

Seal your lips with the glue of hate.
You can't destroy what you create.

Afraid to find the truth disguised,
you crouch behind this wall of lies.

You built it up with bricks of shit.
I'll tear it down, and you with it.

Author notes

I was listening to Disturbed, and this came out. I don't think it's as good as it could be... perhaps I don't warp the cliches enough... I don't know. Go ahead and be brutal with your critiques.

AS ALWAYS, GENUINE CRITIQUES INVITED & APPRECIATED!
Written August 17th, 2004

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • risewiththesmoke
    March 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow the imagery in this is AMAZING. i REALLY love the line: "you can't destroy what you create"
    awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • Kahliya
    March 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    woohoo - you go!!!!
    I love this and i hate bush! my kinda poem!

    Ok im gettin riled up now time to read something a bit calmer!


  • XxAlishaxBentleyxX
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hey, This is Alisha. I'm the judge of this contest.

    I liked this. It was really good. I also like how the rhyming didn't take away from the poem. I usually look down on pre-writes. However, I enjoyed this one.

    Good job!
    Good luck in my contest!
    - Lisha Dawn


  • Touchof1der silver member
    December 9, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I think you judge yourself too harshly. I rather enjoyed this piece. I like the small amount of venom in the aura surrounding your words here. Thank you for such a great read and good luck in your contest!
    ♥ Touchof1der


  • smile is a noun
    November 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    approve

    ~we are our own worst critics. I loved it, i can totally relate. ugh bad memories. Thank you very much for entering my contest!
    ~Ashes~


  • -LizBTropez-
    July 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    The change in rhythm is there on purpose to further convey mood and the intention of drawing the source of the anger to a close.


  • Emberess
    July 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    An angry poem. It's great, but I have to say I didn't like the last lines much. They kind of broke the flow. The rest fit together perfectly. I could feel the anger in your words.


  • Alone inside
    April 22, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    A really good, and to the point, poem. Awesome work, well done. A great ending too. Keep it up. Thanks for entering


  • shadow aelf
    September 14, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    This one was good. It can be aimed practically at any group or person you want it to be aimed at. Enter it.

  • RockStarAngel7
    August 27, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm...Good write. I don't really like the last lines, but that's only my opinion. Don't get me wrong they were well writting, I just don't like the word you used. I used to use it, but not anymore!! Good write though! Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear all that!


  • Princess Muse silver member
    August 26, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    I think this is fantastic as is. I loved the emotion expressed. God only knows I've felt those feelings many times. YOu did a great job and should be proud of this.
    Victoria Lin

  • XcuttingxtearsX
    August 25, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Well, since you want me to be brutal...I will tell you exactly what I thought of your poem. Actually, I thought that it was a rather truthful. It gave me chills when I read it. But like someone else had commented...it could've been more thought out. I'm sure you probably just had those words in your head and you wanted to get them down on paper...or computer screen for that matter. Maybe now that you have all of what you were thinking at that particular moment out in the open, you can go back and add to it. I think that if you choose to do that, you could make this poem a truly touching and shocking piece. Anyway, I really liked the whole thing. The rhymes are perfect and the cliche's are so true. Great Write!


  • Soft rayne
    August 21, 2004
    Edit | Reply

    good

    good rhyming, good flow, very clear, good content...yawn... same old comments...i'm not yawning at the poem, i'm yawning at my comments...i like the poem, but it didn't make me go "wow!"...cheers!

  • Prodigee
    August 19, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Holy shit!!!That was so hard.I love it.You got flows and thats cool.This write is strong and powerful.It speaks to the readers loud and clear.I think everyone has their own wall of lies.I'm not saying its a good thing,but thats how it is.Keep doing what you do, I know I will.
    ~Nel's babi
    DGM

  • empire of dirt
    August 17, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    The rhyming was good, the flow was good, however, I think it should be longer But in that moment, I'm thinking you just had a simple thought to get off your chest. Overall, good write!


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    August 17, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    wow....i love it. Very powerful. Excellent rhyming couplets, you presented it well. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing. La x


  • queen Moderators member
    August 17, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    I like this so much, I felt like i was telling someone off reading it. This is my favorite style of writing. I think it is a supreme poem. Queen


  • Axelle Black
    August 17, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Um...brutal, oki then. Nice poem over all, frankly. But it could have been more developed you know. The rhyming and meter was fine. And I really loved the last two verses Very good poem, just some more about it and it's perfect.

1 - 18 of 18