sit sweet among the stars
in the midnight rain
drink sorrow only ours
sing sad sweet refrain
in the midnight rain
hear the sound of time
sing sad sweet refrain
that you were never mine
hear the sound of time
tick-tock tick-tock my heart
that you were never mine
destiny kept us forever apart
tick-tock tick-tock my heart
a broken clock beating strong
destiny kept us forever apart
even though it felt so wrong
a broken clock beating strong
impossibility at its best
even though it felt so wrong
and stole away my rest
impossibility at its best
it took my breath away
and stole away my rest
in nighttime where I lay
it took my breath away
to live with such sweet pain
in nighttime where I lay
mumbling refrain
to live with such sweet pain
drink sorrow only ours
mumbling refrain
sit sweet among the stars
Author notes
pantoum
Written August 16th, 2004
A contest entry
- we follow your previously followed follow by minimatt.
1019 points, ended August 28, 2004, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win A Gold Trophy? by Nam.
525 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I try not to judge a poem, in my contests, based on their form, and the repetition that is a requirement for that particular form but sometimes it's just too much for me.
The repetition just seems overly done, I've always felt this way about pantoums, so, it's nothing directly about your use of repetition that soured my view of this poem; however, the lines read a tad novice compared to the form itself. I may not really like the form but it's a structured, and difficult form to master, and I just felt the words chosen seemed novice compared form itself.
Just my opinion.
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*grins*
yes, well it *was* my first attempt. I usually tend to write free verse.
I would actually agree with you for the most part. I seem to write in a very common style which doesn't make the same impact as something more technical would...it's something I'm working on.
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+++++++++++++
wow, this is a wonderful pantoum, I have been messing around with i for a little while, but nothing I have written comes close to this, bravo. -
outstanding. An absolute sure winner. wow
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I'm glad you liked it.
the fourth...*groans* I'm really seaching my mind for what happens next. When I wrote the fanfic at first it was only supposed to have the three chapters so i'm stuck on how to continue it.
do you have *any* ideas?
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WOW! I really liked this. I don't now what it was about it that made me feel so connected to it, but I did and I loved it. Great Write! I wish I could pick out my favorite part to you...but I can't! Sorry, it's just all so good!
-FireLily
P.S. Where is the Fourth HP FanFic?????? -
yeah the meter is a bit haywire at places eh?
lol I'm proud of it though, this is the first time i've done this form and i think it turned out kinda alright.
I think I most likely will keep that title...
L8RZ!!!
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*****
This is a very good poem for a tough form. It reads fairly smoothly, though the meter seems (slightly) interrupted at some points. I think the "Sorrowful Stars" title is fine, unless you come up with another one. On the other hand, most of the titles to my poems are pretty abscure in relation to the poem they top
.
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