Many times, I wished I could have told you
how proud I was at the strength you showed
but I kept my distance and watched you choose,
and though I did not understand this road,
it was your own heart’s honest decision,
searching for meaning and purpose in life.
You bore this society’s derision;
fought blinding bigotry, hatred and strife.
We had shared so much and yet not enough
for me to grasp the depth of fear you faced
as you became outcast as if leprous;
treated as though you were just human waste.
You were taken by AIDS' dark shadow, Death,
but your eyes glistened until the last breath.
~r.
All rights reserved,
© 2004 R. Braley (astralshepherd)
Author notes
~
For my younger brother Alan. He was HIV positive
in the early eighties and passed not too much longer after that.
He felt the full force of society's hysteria and hid
from just about everyone who loved him.
I never got to tell him how proud I was of his strength
and courage. I never got to tell him I was honored to have
him as my brother. I wish I could have let him know,
how much I loved him.
~
this was written August 16th, 2004
April 19th, 2008, would have been his
55th birthday.
In a list
What do YOU think?
Comments
-
Very Sad
I am sorry.I can relate to this. I to lost my brother from chemicals were he worked caused nerve & brain damage & when he started drooling & couldn't walk straight he lost all his friends & people thought he was drunk. He had so much inner pain. I was thinking of him when I ran across your poem. Very touching in every way. TY
-
I'm terriably sorry about your loss, thirteen years ago I lost my baby sister this world can be so cruel. I liked this part:
We had shared so much and yet not enough
for me to grasp the depth of fear you faced
as you became outcast as if leprous;
treated as though you were just human waste.
-
Ouch! I am so sorry for your loss and for the way society treated your precious brother. Goodness! I'm nearly speechless here.
I am honoring your brother's life, his very breath, right now, with you.
You have penned a loving, compassionate tribute and I am honored to have read this masterpiece.
I'm saddened that I didn't know this beautiful human being for whom this poem was written.
Be blessed!
Kell -
The last two lines really stuck out for me. This was really thoughtful.
-
Beautiful. It's tragic, and touching all at once. Also a very poignant commentary on our society. This poem made me feel your sadness. Thank you for this piece.
-
Ahhh, this write tugs and tugs, and pulls my heart right outta me. Happy Birthday Alan. My daughter's birthday was yesterday, there are still balloons and streamers hanging up. Even if the colors are those chosen by a 7 year old, I think it's appropriate atmosphere for a humble tribute, to your beloved brother. I pray you've found solace in getting it out.
Peace,
Jin
-
Beautiful!!!
Dear I'm sure your brother knows how much you loved him even if you felt like you didn't show him. This beautiful tribute to his life I'm sure he is smiling with tears of joy in his eyes. Keep him in your heart til you can hold him in your arms.
-
with deepes sympathy about the lost of your younger brother...can relate to this feeling very well.
we just need to live as today is our last day ...so will let many people surround us that we love them.
Your brother must be very proud of you also
-
He now looks down and understands as all things have passed and he is now in spirit. He knows of your love and smiles as he reads this tribute to him. Let his strength and love touch you this day and sing a song in his honor with my love sent your way as well, to join my voice with yours as we celebrate his life today.
Happy Birthday dear Alan, The Father is holding you
in his loving embrace
-
Powerful Tribute
This is a very powerful and dynamic tribute to your brother, whom I am sure would have enjoyed reading this. It takes intense courage indeed to choose a path and even more courage to stick with that chosen path to the bitter end. Thanks for sharing this tribute with us.
Erik -
eyes well
sad ... first off im sorry for your loss. I respect anyone who rages against the world and stands up to be who they are .. EVEN if they have to stand alone. YOUR brother must have been the strongest of souls. YOU can still tell him how you feel BUT you know what .. im sure he knows. YOUR finish was strong. MAKES me wish i knew him... YOU make me feel like i missed out.
~but your eyes glistened until the last breath! Rest in peace!
-
Very sad
It's a sad day when we have to hide our true feelings from one another. What a beautiful memorial to your brother!
-
Amazing
That was a beautiful poem. I can't imagine losing a brother. My only one is seven years older than I am, and he's something of my second father when my actual father is not around. I wish you the best, and love your memoriam to your brother, as I'm sure he does too
+R
-
when one dies of such a hated disease, it devistates all that fought with their hearts to help the ill through such difficult times, he knew you loved him as you ,show in this dedication to him, I pray as time passes you realize, he is still with you...
thank you for sharing and best wishes in your heart to heal
Ms
-
love the last 2 lines
-
Thank you for sharing such a moving piece of poetry that bears an even greater message. Regardless of the surface we are all humans inside. I get so angry when I think about the suffering of people at the hands of fear, bigotry and so many other things. One can tell that you loved your brother very much and something tells me that he loved you as well.
-
amazing write, i felt your sadness over losing him so vividly...hiv is a scary and often misunderstood disease that society dosen't easily accept. Beautiful words!
peace, love, & cheese -
This piece is truly wonderful. I can feel the pride that you had in him through your words, and the sorrow at losing him at such a young age. I lost a little sister, and it will never be easy for me to accept it. Your loss was somewhat expected, so I am sure it made it that much harder to deal with. It is truly sad the way we treat people with diseases like they are some kind of animal. They are still humans, and they still have feelings. This was a wonderful memorial to a loved one. Well written! Keep the Muse Alive!
-
This is a wonderful tribute to your brother. You suffered a terrible loss but his memory is preserved in this lovely poem. Thanks for sharing.
-
I am sure he knows well how you feel and the love you shared is undiminished. Attitudes are borne of fear and ignorance and must have been difficult to bear but your support would have ben felt and cherished
-
i can feel your pain, i lost my uncle and god father to AIDs. this work is very heartfelt and brought tears to my eyes.
-
excellent
this was an excellent poem excellent courage and streght in you to write this poem.
-
you have no idea how much this poem reached out to me..my 3 brothers mean the world to me, if not more. and your piece made me realize that. i am so sorry for your loss, but i am sure you are a very strong and positive person. because i know i wouldnt be able to face something like this. your strength is admired, and so is your writting. keep writting, and keep strong..your doing a great job.
~Mandy~
-
I really liked it!!!!
I really liked it. It evoked deep emotions. Especially since a friend of mine commited suicide a few days ago. Thanks for the read and keep writing!!!
-
i dont usually read featured poems, but since I have an older brother too, this one grabbed me by the throat and screamed "READ ME!!"
WHAT A FANTASTIC POEM!
well written with lots of emotion.
thank you for sharing.
♥ Unity
-
This brought tears to my eyes,you wrote a heartbreaking poignant tribute to your brother and I am sure your brother would appreciate this and he will be looking down from Heaven,God Bless,Hazel
-
Beloved soul...we send you gracious embraces
for the fearless courage and piercing our hearts with
this genuine dedication written from the depths of
your heart.
I feel the outpouring of love upon each line and verse,
how proud and blessed your brother must be feeling in
the healing arms of heaven's vastness.
Blessings, Blessings, Blessings.
ears/Seattle thankyou for writing this!
Fearless warrior you are. humble bow.
-
So sad.
I am sure that he did but I am equally sure that you made him feel that he was loved by you. Many times society frowns upon those they don't like or understand simply because for them it is the easy thing to do. Not the right thing but easy.
-
I am very grateful that you shared this poem, because death touches each of us in such different ways that seem to transcend all space and time. I believe "love" never fails, never dies- For the ties we make and beautiful bonds we forge in this life never will be broken. I know that I will see my loved ones once again on the other side. after all, this life teaches us so much in preperation for the next.
-
Such A Beautiful Tribute
Your brother fought the good fight and unfortunately back then it was much harder to go through AID and HIV than it is today. I felt sad for you and your brother to have to have suffered so much. But you loved him and he knows that, you just need to know that yourself!! Oh how we wish, or that, what if's will kill us at times. We all do that to ourselves so it seems. What a great brother you are. Blessings Kelle Marie, stavykm
-
'Today, April 19th 2007' IS his 54th birthday ... you kept him alive in memory so very well. I agree with Suzi, he must have been strong - but then, that runs in the family hey?
-
Wow.
In the 80's I can't imagine what it was like not only to be gay, but also with AIDS. He must have been strong, this is a wonderful tribute. It's very clear you are/were proud of him.
-
I don't know, somehow, I think people that we love somehow still gets our messages of the heart, even when not verbally or otherwise communicated, at least I hope this to be the case lots of love
-
That was terribly sad, but beautifully written. It is so hard when people close to you pass away.
-
I am sorry for your loss and the pain of separation you felt and express so well here.
-
It's so very hard to describe the feelings that this has brought up in me. My childhood friend, more like a brother, contracted AIDS while in college in the 80's. He died December 30th 1989. I can sympathize with this poem so very much, especially since Johnny shunned me away in the last year of his life. He wouldn't call or come visit; he just stayed in his cramped little bedroom at his mom's house. I tried several times to go and see him, but he refused to have visitors, until one day, I pushed my way through the door. He had been ostresized by a society mad from not knowing what AIDS was really, but I didn't care. I loved him more than life itself. It is so very hard to read this and not have any feelings on what it brings about in the full mental picture. I (of course) never knew your brother, but I have lost one of my own, and I've lost a dear friend. I know what it felt like to me, I could only imagine what it must have felt like for you. No one could know until they have witnessed what AIDS can do to a person. I think I'll stop now so I can cry and reflect on the beautiful moments of life, love, and memories that can't be taken away from me. This was truly a beautiful piece.
Becca
's
-
-
oh Becca, reading your comment had touched me deeply and profoundly, i am so sorry for your loss, to lose a close friend to AIDS, especially back then was a horrific experience for all, it was (and is in so many ways) like the way lepers were treated, fear and ignorance driving emotions. You are a dear for sharing such an intimate memory. ~r.
-
-
wow
very captivating. it is sad about all the bigotry that he faced and that many have to face. very moving, thank you.
-
Again, very deep and moving. You have a knack for taking the reader right there with your words and for tackling social taboos with tact and courage. Very well done, kudos to you. I am duly impressed by your work and am taking a tour of it.
-
Very touching. What a horrible time (though there is no good one) to be stricken with such a horrible illness. Though, unfortunately, things are not improved as they should be, your brother had your love to shine through ignorance.
-
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose a brother not to aids but to Diabetes. The pain never goes away. I know that your brother is looking down on you smiling for the wonderful tribute. Great write.
-
You have penned a heartfelt and poignant tribute to your brother. Thank you for sharing it.
-
Nice touching poem. It's nice you cared for your brother and never let him down, even when he was hiding.
-
I'm sure he knows...*smiles*
-
srry 4 ur loss
-
wow
...your poem is touching...and im very sorry for your loss and i hope u keep writeing (i cant spell) and inspiring people with your poems.
-
Brave and beautiful: your poem, your notes and, of course, your brother. May you both find peace.
-
powerful
a very powerful sonnet form poem to honor your brother, i also wish you well and hope you find the healing you need.
-
nice way t oexpress your love for your brother , lifes tragidies hit us hard and leave us feeling hopeless and not knowing what to do , only time can mend your heart , i hope you find some comfort and peace in your life and keeping his memory will always keep you in touch with his soul , praying sometimes helps god knows our feelings and what we need in our lives so he has not forgotten you and your sorrows , i wish you well and may the lord be with you
-
This really touched me. My best friend has AIDS and I only recently found out. My step brother died of AIDS but back in those days we didn't talk about it. Everyone says it was cancer. My family told everyone he died of cancer but we knew it was AIDS. My husband works with people who have AIDS helping them get into housing. His organization [well, that he works for] has houses and they help homeless people. It's for people with AIDS.
I just have to add to the person who said their friend turned gay...sorry that doesn't happen. You don't just turn gay. Many gay men and women date the opposite sex because the stigma of being gay is too much for them. My husband has many men in his houses that have children. They didn't turn gay, they were gay but weren't able to express it either to themselves or society. Please don't blame women on the reason why your friend is gay, he already was gay.
Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about your loss, having kind of been there myself I understand the pain, at least to a point.
~*CarpeDiemSurrealus*~ -
amazing
i feel the pain yu went through... i have a friend who became gay because all the girls he was ever with betrayed him... with that i received AIDS. he died in october of 2000 and i still moarn his death. i'm very sorry for your loss. if i lost another firend to a dreadfull disease such as AIDS i wouldn't be able to go on! live life as he would have wanted yu to. live for him, him live through yu. ~Emylie~ -
Good Piece
This is a very sweet poem, and I am sorry that you were unable to say what you desired so badly to say. It seems to be the story of our lives. -
Absolutely Excellent
This is an awesome poem. And I'm sure he appreciates it very much. I extend my respects to you and yours. I don't know what it's like to experience something such as this...but no doubt it must be hard. Excellent work. You do a great honor to your brother. -
this is a very beautiful poem...it's sad to read such stories but yet you show so much strength...God bless you and your family...
take care
-Darkness- -
whoa this brought tears to my eyes well done great job
-
You were taken by AIDS' dark shadow, Death,
but eyes of life glistened until last breath.
see this part here
dark shadows are the two last letters in aids, now if you can get the first to letters to match, would add more,, well done
-
Richard: I am so glad that you finally wrote a piece for your brother. I hope it was cathartic for you. You know that I love this piece for we have discussed this numerously over the past few months as we became friends. I love your last line, reminds me of so many friends that I were close to and were with when they passed away and I watched their eyes. As for brother ship, I was fortunate enough to make amends with my older brother before he passed away from the flesh-eating disease and he is now one of my angels. My you find the peace you search for yet experience the journey along the way. Gregg
-
10/10
aww sorry to hear that but it was a wonderful write I am sure he would have loved that but he problay does know cause he is looking down at you and proud of you too...nice work I want to give you an applause.
sadie
-
This is so sad, and Richard he knows you cared for him and that proud of him and were honored to be his brother. He knows all of that even if you didn't get to tell him.
-
wow, this is so beautiful
touching n powerful
i'm so sorry
XxelmojonesxX -
this is truly a very touching and true poem, i am sorry for your loss, i also liked the rhythm of the poem and vocaulary
-
This is heart wrenching and I love it. The AIDS epedimic has gotten out of control and hopefully one day we will get a handle on the disease. This memorial to your brother is so beautiful I know that he is honored to see this. This is a very great write, thank you for sharing this with us on AP. Keep dreaming in ink.
~*Divine*~ -
Excellent
Thank you for sharing, this is a heart felt piece. I lost a close friend through a similar experience in the late '80's. He was disowned from his family. Although my loss may not have been as great as yours, I feel I can relate by having to had witness him be ostracized the entire time he went through his heart wrenching ordeal.
-
i am so sorry for your brother's passing, not that he stopped suffering, but the way i know society looked upon people with HIV and AIDS at that time, i wrote a poem for this contest about a child i knew, family friend that contracted hiv from a blood transfusion in 1982, my heart grieves for all the families and the people who have had to deal with this disease.
this was excellent and if i could applaud it twice i would. -
I know my feelings wont mean much but to me i feel for you. Ive nevver had someone die of aid's that i knew buti had a grampa who died of cancer and my dad died of heart failure i didnt get to see my grampa die but i did see my dad. he didnt have any senses but the hospice nurse said that hearing was the last to go but i couldnt think of anything to say i never got to say how much i loved him
-
ExCeLlEnT
Excellent poem. I'm sorry for your loss but poetry is a great way to express your mixed feelings. Keep on writing! -
powerful write
that's incredible... the fact that yu can writre about something so strong so overpowering in the eyes of life and death put to one war. aids' take how many lifes a year and who knows how the pple feel about it most never want to talk but yu have expressed your feelings with poetry, beautiful. i loved it! -
Very good work indeed, wonderful homage to obviously a very loved guy. well done
David -
Extremely beautiful. A great tribute to your brother. My sympathies for your loss...
-
such beautiful words to express such deep sadness. your brother will always be in your heart and now also in the hearts of all the readers of this poem. Instead of judging and running away people should put their energy in admiring the strenght of victims of HIV and supporting them with all their love and friendship. I wish you the best.
-
Simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with perfect strangers, like myself. Losing someone close is something no one ever fully gets over. Many Blessings,
Lauren -
Catressa, the coincidence is indeed ironic. I am sorry of your loss in knowing your Richard. I have a whole bunch of questions about stuff like that when i get to the "other side" of wherever we get to. Blessings ~richard
-
You know I read this because it was featured, but the eerie thing for me besides the loss you felt was that My Brother who died when he was a infant was named Richard. It just clicked as I read the comment you posted above this I am writing, you were thanking someone named Rachel. Ironic is it not? I often wonder how different my life would be had Richard lived, my parents wouldn't have had that loss to grieve over and maybe wouldn't have beat each other, I might not have the two brothers I have now, and then My mom wouldn't have gotten remarried and had my sister. It is truly amazing how just ONE THING. Can change your whole life. One instant. I grieve for you (how old were you when he died?) on one hand and on the other I envy you. This was a very touching tribute and I agree with Mark, the moment you wrote this, he knew how you felt. Take Care, Catressa
-
A great poem. I am sorry your brother had such a hard time. People always deride what they don't understand, most do anyway, not all. I wish you all my best. I hope wherever your brother is now, he is happy with his lot, and is allowed to be himself.
-
Rachael, thank you for stopping and commenting...it has been a healing experience to share this with the world but even more healing have been the kind words others have shared, your remarks are very comforting and i thank you for that kindness. ~richard
-
This is such a good, sad, sweet poem. Man, I'm teary eyed now! Great Job! You make your brother proud. Thanks for being honest. I know you have a lot of comments and you already probably know that, but I wanted to put in my two cents!
-
This brings tears to my eyes and has succeeded in breaking my heart. I am so glad that you wrote this and I decided to read it because through your words my eyes and my heart have been pried open even more to a reality that I've hardly been affected by, but grieves me so much. I'm so sorry for your loss and your regrets for missed opportunities to express your love for him. I struggle with the same emotions regarding my older sister, so I know how it feels. But I praise God that your sorrow led you to express this and to open our hearts and minds to the idea of reaching out in love to everyone, especially those ostracized by society. Thank you for allowing me to read this.
~rachael -
Thank you Michelle for your kind words, i apprecitate it and i am so sorry for your loss. ~richard
-
Beautiful write, richard. I had a brother (half-brother, actually) but I never got to know him. He died when I was little. He would have been in his late twenties to early thirties today.
I'm sorry you lost your brother to AIDS. I give you the best of wishes. Always keep him in thought and you'll realize you never really lost him.
-Michelle
-
Touching
My condolenses for your very sad loss. This was a beautiful tribute to a brother who was so special , never fear that you have lost him, he will always be with you and dont worry that you didnt have time to tell him how much you loved him, he already knew. People know these things, even though your brother had so much pain from society, he would have known that you were not like them, remember only your love for him, and he will never fade 
-
wow... this is a very moving and sad poem. i'm sorry for the loss of your brother, it's not easy to lose someone and having things you wanted to say. This was very well written.
-
This is so terribly sad, and I'm so glad society has come a long way since then (but still SOOOOOO far to go!) I'm really sorry for your loss and sorry you never got to tell him those things, but I'm sure he knows...
lots of love to you,
~Teri~ -
Amazing
Awesome, awesome poem. And I mean that in the purest sense of the word. I was awestruck. I am sorry to hear of your loss, HIV/AIDS has taken so many. I pray that there is a cure found soon, so that people can be saved. This was a beautifully written poem, and I'm glad to see that it got the applause it deserves, but I'll add one of my own as well. -
Beautifully written. Such a shame that he had to go. My prayers are with you. Don't feel guilty that you didn't get to tell him you loved him and are proud of him, because he already knows.
Love Always Ashley
-
A Beautiful Tribute
Hi Richard,
I'm sure Alan knew you loved him then and knows now. In fact, I'm sure he received this poem the moment you laid the pen down. I've seen enough to know that death is not the end.
This is a beautiful tribute to your brother. I lost a brother, too, though to a drug overdose, so I identified with many of your words.
Since you asked for help with the punctuation, here are my suggestions -
Many times, I wished I could have told you
how proud I was at the strength you showed
but I kept my distance and watched you choose,
and though I did not understand this road,
it was your own heart’s honest decision,
searching for meaning and purpose in life.
You bore this society’s derision;
fought blinding bigotry, hatred and strife.
We had shared so much and yet not enough
for me to grasp the depth of fear you faced
as you became outcast as if leprous;
treated as if you were just human waste.
You were taken by AIDS' dark shadow, Death,
but eyes of life glistened until last breath.
As you can see, I'm not big on capitalizing every line. I like to just write poems as naturally as possible. I didn't make many more changes, though, other than adding a few commas here and there.
That last line sounds a little clunky. If you don't mind a suggestion -
but your soul shone through till your final breath.
I hope you don't mind the line suggestion, and it's not really important. It's a beautiful poem just the way it is.
Peace, friend
Mark
Edited on Aug 31, 3:31 because ''. -
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I am sorry he had to go through such a difficult struggle with society
Good poem on so many levels.
-
Excellent
Nice poem. It's sad losing a brother but when society makes him an outcast because of AIDS, it must be harder still. Excellent poem with a society message as well.
Excellent.
Georges -
Wow, that is sad and moving. It's odd to think of how people with AIDS were treated. In the movie 'GIA,' when AIDS was new, it wasn't seen as a bad, scary, leading to death disease. It was just new. Soon after that, I guess, it became this scary thing that causes people to hate. At least the world is kinder now.
-
very directly sad... a love letter... while less a poem than a statement, clearly powerful and important.
-
oh this was sad.. im so sorry for your loss. my ex boyfriend died of AIDS fairly recently.. its a horrible thing.
-
Pulls at your heartstrings
Dear A S,
This was a very touching(true) story of sibling love and caring.
You said that you never got the chance to tell him many things......Well I think you just did!
John-Las Vegas
-
Very very nice...
-
excellent
This was a wonderful tribute to your brother and I am sure he is smiling down on you...I know how it is to lose some one so dear to your heart..it is something that rips at your soul..and the comment about the way people are so crewl to those that are inflicted with AIDS or any other deseases is so true..if they could walk a mile in their shoes.. would they judge so harshly? this was excellent... -
For those we love, not matter what their flaws, there is nothing more honourable than loving them for who they are - not what they have done - brilliant poem and you are an honourable person
Edited on Aug 31, 2:09 because ''. -
I just wrote to a friend that only the memories left can ease the pain and emptiness in our heart when we lose someone we love.
A very emotional poem and touching tribute to your brother.
Hugs,
Mari
-
I'm sure your brother appreciates this! This was a beautiful display of affection that you feel towards him, and I appreciate that.
Hey, I only noticed one thing (I went back to look for punctuation...because I usually don't notice (i dont like using punct. just because people bicker about where things should go)
there should be a period at the end of this line "For me to grasp the depth of fear you faced"
Nicely done!
~*kp*~ -
This is beautiful.It is so sad too.I am so sorry.sorry that people are quick to judge and hate what they dont understand.or hate what doesnt affect their lives.I know how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love die.i am sorry.....
-
My Condolences
Wow, My condolenses I can tell by this piece that you've created here is geniune and very loving upon your Brother's Memory, you will forever miss & love him and I'm certain that before he passed he knew of your love & care. This touches me, This is truly a wake up call for all to read and see. Touching, Sad yet Beautiful...Precious Piece ---Sara
-
I have a brother too, he's around a year older than me. I would die if I lost him without getting to tell him how much I truly admire and love him. He does get on my nerves at times, but no matter what he's still my brother and I will always be there for him as he is for me. Your poem reminds me of that, and I'm sure your brother knew how much you cared for him already. This was a wonderful tribute to your brother, beautiful. As for the punctuation,
line two: comma
line three: comma
line four: remove the comma
line thirteen: comma
I'm pretty sure that would be good, don't know. Your choice. hehe...those final two lines were my favorite though...ended it darkly, but admirable how he held on 'til he passed on. May your brother rest in peace.
Edited on Aug 31 because ''.
Adding your comment:
