I was just getting over pneumonia.
I’ll tell ya, pal, I was really a mess.
My head felt like it had been embalmed.
And it was allergy season, no less!
I was walking through the mall.
I thought the illness was through.
Then I coughed up a giant phlegm
and didn't know what I should do.
There was no bathroom nearby
and the exit was far away too
but swallowing the monster again
was something I just couldn't do.
So I made a B-line for the doorway
zigging and zagging through the rows.
I had to make it to the great outdoors.
I couldn't breathe out of my nose!
Slow people seemed to purposely thwart
my escape from this musak-filled jail
and a blue-haired, little old lady
was following me, right on my tail!
Seemed she had heard me dredge it up
and she was well aware of my panic
but morbid curiosity drove her on madly
to see me spit out this mucous Titanic.
Or maybe she just wanted to make sure
I didn't hock the loogie in the store.
But for the life of me, I had no idea
what the old bat was following me for!
In retrospect, it was probably just coincidence
and we just happened to be going the same way.
All I know is I needed some freakin' privacy
so I almost used words I don't usually say.
No matter where I turned, there she was!
I just couldn't seem to shake her.
She looked about a hundred and ten
but she moved like a Los Angeles Laker.
I finally made it to the double-doors
with granny and I locked in a dead heat
but I figured she would leave me alone
once I made it outside to the street.
No such luck! She clung right to my side
watching me with a disdainful glare,
determined to make me swallow the goop.
She literally wouldn't give me some air!
So I kept on packing the clocker
which was now begging for release.
Little did I know I would be busted
by a captain of the phlegm police!
This was getting absolutely ridiculous.
I mean, what was her deal, anyway?
I thought, "Okay, lady, you asked for it.
I'm gonna let it fly! Up, up and away!”
But my mama raised me right, I suppose,
because I just couldn't muster the strength
to unleash the goober with any velocity
and it didn't travel the desired length.
I spit it out with a faint "Flpthtp" sound
aiming for a bush beside a large boulder
but it flew only three to four inches or so
and came to rest right on my left shoulder.
I was relieved and horrified at the same time.
A storm of emotion swirled over my head.
I didn’t even want to look at the old lady.
I was filled with trepidation and dread.
I walked along like nothing had happened;
the loogie sitting there like a little pal.
I could feel her disapproving eyes upon me.
I finally had to turn and face the old gal.
As expected, she had a disgusted smirk
like I was some kind of diseased, filthy rat
but my patience had finally reached its end
so I said, “What the heck are you lookin’ at?”
She just rolled her eyes and walked away.
There was really no need to scold me.
The look on her face said a thousand words,
much more than she could ever have told me.
That day, I made a solemn promise to myself
so in the future, I could avoid such an issue.
In my pockets now, with keys, coins and such,
I always have at least one Kleenex tissue.
Author notes
I know this is a real gross-out extravaganzo and it will probably destroy any delusions anybody might have about me having class or manners. But I guess my raunchy side was bound to be revealed sooner or later. 
Thanks for reading,
Mark
P.S. This was actually inspired by something that happened to a friend of mine. Coincidentally, he told me about it during a "most embarrassing moment" contest we were having during a road trip.
Written August 12th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Embarrassing Moments and Public Humiliation! by Gaffer.
300 points, ended August 13, 2004, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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it made me laugh
it made me laugh alot I have seen this happen and I have also been a victim of the unfortunate event this poem was great as usual
-
Ah...I see I have read you before. LOL
Still a great piece! -
being that spit and boogers are the two things in this world that gross me out this one was a hard read for me - i find myself gagging - a tad. ahem* never the less - super funny write here ...I'm kinda laffing out loud still
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Oh Wow! This was just priceless, Mark! After all of the dark depressing stuff I have read lately, I sure needed a break and this was perfect, thanks!!!
I still don't understand WHY she was following you!
Great stuff!
Take Care-TGR (Theresa) -
LMAO!!! This was funny as heck. Not only could I picture you making your mad dash for outside, but I could picture the old lady, and your "little pal" there on your shoulder.
Awesome write, I love each and every line of it. You've got a raunchy side, no doubt, and I am happy to see it come out. Humorous write, Mark... It brought smiles and laughter to my day. Thank you!!! 
~Aimee
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This is too funny. In a sick sort of way. I like it.
Anna -
LMFAO! This was priceless! I don't know what was funnier, the thought in my mind of ( god do I dare admit this?) me living a very similar moment, or the image of "grandma" ( I say this with love, for I AM a granda...a young one! ) dogging you until you were left with not enough umph to rid yourself properly of that disgusting mucus plug!? LOL
The humor in this was outstanding, albeit, yes... a tad gross. But poetically this was a great piece. The rhyme was unforced and flowed almost as well as a runny nose. LOL
Very nice work...I enjoyed greatly!
Mary Ann -
Mark,
This is very funny....but I must say....very gross indeed.
I think I need to go read another of your works to get this one out of my mind....ewwwwww yuck! I don't want this to be left in my mind.
Cheryl
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i still can't figure out what the old lady was after and why she just walked away after flopping the phlegm onto your shoulder.
sounds like a memorable experience you've illustrated here. did this really happen? -
Congratulations on your silver trophy, this was a hilarious write. Very original and quite deserving. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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Thanks Kerry,
I had no problem reciting it to you because you already know about my deep and abiding appreciation of bathroom humor. lol
Thanks! I hope you're doing well. It was great to hear from you the other night.
Mark
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i love this! so original and well written! keep up the outstanding work!
-nikki -
haha. this was hilarious. awesomely written. keep up the great work.
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Oh, and by the way, "Busted by the Phlegm Police" is a masterpiece phrase.
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Hey Mark,
Well, having it personally recited to me over the phone added an extra-special nostalgic little touch to this hysterically funny, yet truly vile little story! But that was the whole point - grossing people out! I loved it. There is pretty much nothing anyone can say that would shock me. I'm unshockable. I've been de-shocked? I don't know, but it was funny!
Thanks for the recitation.
Kerry
Edited on Aug 20, 2:13 because 'I'm anal-retentive'. -
Congrats on winning Silver. This was really funny....really gross
But really funny. Great story!! And very visual..unfortunatly. lol Congrats again.
Take Care
Beth
Edited on Aug 14, 1:59 because ''. -
Hi Becca,
In retrospect, the old lady was probably just going the same direction by coincidence. As usual, I exaggerated a little for dramatic effect. lol
Thanks!
Mark -
LMAO!! Hounded by a booger-nazi! some people are just plain sadistic. LOL this was too funny.
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WELL...I'LL BE DANGED...THE TRUTH DID SET YA FREE, MY FRIEND!!!
hehehehe...VERY INTELLIGENT RECITATION OF MORBID PUBLIC FASCINATION, MY OH-SO-CLASSY FRIEND!!! hehehe...here's another bad situation; spitting out your window...then realizing the window is closed.....HEHEHE...WANDA
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Ugh!!!!!!!!! I hate it when something like that happens, though it has never happened to me. I just dread the day that it does. I am such a clutz about things, I just know I will be in that predicament someday. This was so funny, I couldn't stop laughing at the phrases you used. I could hear the sounds just by the way you described them. Good luck to you in the contest. I really enjoyed reading this. It had to be a bad situation, but at least you can laugh about it now. That old lady must be awfully twisted to follow you out of the mall like that. Great write.
becca
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The pic already made me laugh and guess what would come next.
Mucous Titanic?! LOL LOL LOL...I laughed the whole way through this poem! It reminded the guy with green a hair
FUNNY!!! Blargh, but funny!
Hugs,
Mari
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Um, Mark??? EWWWWWWW Oh this was hilarous!!!! Gross too! Good luck to you in the contest. I think this is great. Did I mention gross??? LOL
~~*Destiny*~~
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