to Zac

I wish I could press rewind,
I’d do so much differently.
Scratch that, that’s crap.
I’d do it all again and you know it.
I wouldn’t change a minute of time spent with you.
Was it just infatuation Zac?
A summer fling, perhaps?
You were everything I ever wanted
Too bad I wanted more.
I guess I did a lot wrong, hell if I know
You were a lot of firsts for me…
I know I loved you, if only for a moment.
So now I sit and wonder
With torturous what ifs
I wonder what you’re thinking
And wonder what could have been
And I know it doesn’t matter…
I’m here, you’re there
It sucks but I still care.
I just want to feel the way you made me feel
One more time.
You could make a second last forever
Yet somehow the time flew by
Before the tear fell from my eye
I felt like I’d known you a lifetime
Safe in your arms,
You made the world stop
When you listened to me,
It was just what I needed.
And I swallowed it
Hook, line, and sinker.
Too bad I fell so hard
Too bad I had to go back to Florida
Too bad I thought I loved Bram too.
That’s just too bad, huh, Zac?
So much was wrong I’m sure
But you made it seem all right…
What else was an illusion in my life?
I’m certain now, happiness for sure
It was good, too good to be true.
I want to be left with good memories of you.
Even if that means
That’s all you’ll ever be to me
A ghost, a memory
A sadistic vampire who feeds
On my noble misery.
You made me happy
I considered you a friend.
I’m convinced we could stay platonic…
Shit, I lied again.
I don’t know if that’d work out
Or even if I’d want it to
But if you do, I’d do anything for you
I just can’t deal with never seeing you again
But awkward silences… or cold-heartedness
Would be infinitely worse
So yet again I torture myself with what-ifs
Was it all a dream?
Was most of this contrived in my
                                 Mind?
A harsher alternative: a game?
Do you still feel the same?
I feel like my life’s some big cosmic joke
Everything I ever knew
And believed to be true
Got turned upside-down, inside out
Just like my entire life
But it was the best thing that ever happened to me
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Maybe I should
What wouldn’t I give to be with you?
It would’ve been better if we never met
But I wish to God I never left
Except I'm not sure I believe in god as of lately
My time there was perfect
A brief snippet of happiness
Precisely what you were to me
I never worried about what to say to you
Or the way my hair looked, or how I dressed
I was convinced we’d hit it off…
Strictly as friends
But the porch changed everything
And I didn’t even have to speak
I can’t speak now either
Choking on bittersweet memories
For all my endless rattling I have no words
Too much, too fast, too young
For everything I’ve lost
Everything and everyone I once loved
You’re simply on mind at the moment
And maybe I'm a loser
Or maybe it’s the music
But you were everything perfect
Everything I never could be
Yet you understood me
But nothing’s perfect, especially not a person
I never meant to love you
I don’t believe in happiness anymore
I’ve become as cynical as you are
My life’s too empty, it’s all a mirage
The phrase “ignorance is bliss” comes to mind
Bliss in ignorance… the closest thing I ever had to happiness
A forever elusive illusion in which we delude ourselves.
So now I know the truth
About nearly everything I wanted to know
But perhaps it was forbidden fruit
What started out sweet turned sour
It’s more unbearable than ever to live with my mother
And harder to hate the so-called father
Who made me a bastard
I always wanted a brother
Find out I have one, older, adopted.
He could never even guess of my existence
I get what I want and then I want more
Wishes don’t come true the way you want them to
Damn it, I can’t help feeling like this
I’m drowning in lies and truth and love and hate and…
Torn between self-pity and self-loathing and I’m lost…
Lost in myself and my head
Just when I was beginning to find myself
Or so I think, so I thought
I can’t begin to explain, too much pain and confusion
I can’t speak, can’t think, can’t breathe
Choking on stale air and stagnant feelings
Speechless and redundant
This isn't even about you anymore
Cause near the end we drifted
It was my fault, and to top it off
I told you I was leaving
So of course you kept your distance
And I wish you didn’t
All I needed was a friend
Someone to listen to me vent
You were so great at that Zac
When I was with you, I felt one in a million
No, like I was the only one in the whole cosmos
And I loved every minute of it
But now I'm lacking human contact
And missing your touch
Missing everything and everyone I once loved
Missing the happy girl I was
I’m not sure I believe in love anymore
I think we make it up
To justify foolish things we’ve done
Now I’m losing myself again
Fading into obscurity
What was the point of this
Not-so-merry-go-round again?
Lost my train of thought
Its amazing I haven’t lost my mind
Or even more surprising, my life
I can't live like this
I’ve died inside
I die again every day and every night
But life goes on and it’s passed me by
No one understands, they can't
But this is the only way I know
To convey any emotion
I’m sure it’ll come out mixed up and confused
Apropos for me, don’t you agree?
Now that I’ve been exposed to freedom and trust
Not to mention a loving home and Yoda
I see all the more clearly
Just how sick my situation is
This isn't living, its existing
I’m at an all time low and
It’s colder here in Florida
Than Virginia or snow
Or even you could be
If they wake up one morning and find this bed empty
And I somehow never get to see you again
Please don’t forget me
This is just how I feel and it’s not the best ending
I feel cheated; I never got to say goodbye in VA
Everything’s twisted, the world is spinning
And it’s all so far away.
Maybe now ill have a little closure
Or maybe you’ll read this and just think I’m
A foolish naïve little girl
Who makes mountains out of molehills
“Sooner or later its over I just don’t wanna miss you tonight”
Maybe the summer meant nothing to you
I guess I’ll never know the truth
But I know what I feel, and I hope it was real
I know there’s an ache in my soul and I'm losing control
For you are both the source and the cure
Sorry things worked out like this
You’re the one I will always miss
Remember me.
ARREVEDERCI