Darkness receding beyond the horizon
morning due still midst.
Songbirds praising the morning light
my light is lost to this.
The night shroud covers me,
leaves me naked to the day.
The sun, my tears do not fall for you
my distaste at the sight of your rays.
Unlike the veil that covers yours eyes,
I see the truth within your lies.
Pile up high the flakes you see
betrayals last longer in memories.
Taken, lost or stolen would you like to know?
My love says nothing still leaves my home
fallen further down the unbeknown,
forest floor scatted debris sinks below.
The darkness begins its reign beside the land covered in flame,
the days beneath you highlight you pain.
Love is lost against the darkness that consumes
feel no sorrow feel no pain, husk is it's remains.
by G.s bradshaw
Author notes
Written August 4th, 2004
A contest entry
- Mammillae Man - Joy & Sorrow by PurpleBunny.
350 points, ended August 5, 2004, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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this was a great write and I appreciate your sharing it with us. I hope to see more from you in the future. Never stop writing and keep up the good work.. As long as you keep dreaming then your imaginationa dntalent shall never subside. I really liked the way that you worded things. It really speaks to the reader.Darkness receding beyond the horizon
morning due still midst. Songbirds praising the morning light
my light is lost to this. The night shroud covers me, leaves me naked to the day. The sun, my tears do not fall for you my distaste at the sight of your rays. Unlike the veil that covers yours eyes, I see the truth within your lies. Pile up high the flakes you see betrayals last longer in memories. Taken, lost or stolen would you like to know? My love says nothing still leaves my home fallen further down the unbeknown, forest floor scatted debris sinks below. The darkness begins its reign beside the land covered in flame, the days beneath you highlight you pain.Love is lost against the darkness that consumes feel no sorrow feel no pain, husk is it's remains.
by G.s bradshaw -
hhmmm, can I make a few suggestions. It reads a bit choppy, someone once told me, read it out loud that way you can hear the flow of your poem, myabe if you tweak it hear and there it might improve the flow. Here and there, there are some mistakes, like yours in the third stanza and scatted in the second to last stanza.
Other than that you show some honest emotion here and some lovely images.
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