I felt a lightning in my brain
A blinding whiteness filled my head
I would not be the same again
Like driving cold December rain
That leaves the barren landscape dead
I felt a lightning in my brain
They tried so hard to make me sane
But all my thoughts turned gray, like lead
I would not be the same again
I felt no hurt, I felt no pain
And not a single word was said
I felt a lightening in my brain
They said that I had much to gain
And like some snake, my skin I'd shed
I would not be the same again
Now all I see is light and plain
With fine new thoughts my brain's been fed
I feel a brightening in my brain
Will I not be the same again?
A contest entry
- Premium Blend by Turambar.
300 points, ended June 6, 2005, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PIF Villanelles only by ecrivain01.
650 points, ended August 19, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is a very good job ...
in the main, but the last line just grated. If it weren't for that, you'd be at the top of the heap here.
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Thanks for entering the contest! Congrats on your honorable mention and your 2nd place!
Edited on Jun 06, 8:24 because 'accidently wrote "3rd" instead of "2nd"'. -
Good job. I love villanelles, but there are a devil to write. I like the modifications you made here: that's one of the best ways to write repeated-line poems: by altering the refrain at the end.
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V Good
Lol @ 'almost a villanelle' - you know what - I actually like the fact that you didn't stick rigidly to the form and changed the last two lines - I think it made the poem that much more effective because you deferred from the original structure, turning a negative into a positive 'brightening'. There's some great images in this piece and it was enjoyable to read. Good work!
Edited on Aug 28, 1:10 p.m. because ''. -
i clicked because of the title .. i love villanelles.. i wondered if i'd like almost villanelles ..
shock treatment is serious business.
the seashore thing makes this all confusing for me .. but i'm glad for the brightening of the brain .. oh brain-washing . . water waves washing . .
serious stuff ..
peace, lisa
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i like the "almost" part haha... it isn't a perfect example of one... but it is a beautiful peice... even if it does break the form just the tiniest bit... its still got great flow and beautiful imagery... i love the metaphor (i guess thats what you called it) of brainwashing... "shock treatment" very original and creative... brilliant idea... nice plot... its just great...
Just Me...
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NiCe JoB!
Wow. That was an amazingly descriptive poem of how terrible shock treatment is. I never have had it before, but I have a schizophrenic uncle who was had that done to him a few times in his life. I've seen what it does to him, and I think it's terrible. He forgets everything from whatever "crisis" he was on before the treatment. And then he is silent for days, sometimes weeks. And after each treatment he's always a little more different, a little less of himself. -
veeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crrrrrrrrreaaaaaaaaaaatiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee write. I liekd it. Good job. I love vinallies and you did a great job with this one.
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Like driving cold December rain
That leaves the barren landscape dead
I felt a lightning in my brain
I really like that part, it's amazing...great imagery, great work...keep it up!!! -
Oh....I was wondering why it said "almost" then I saw the last line. I liked it though, I think to stray a little from structure isn't such a bad thing. Great job on this. I liked it!
~*Destiny*~ -
And I'm liking it! 'almost a villanelle' or whatever it may be.
A great use of repetition and the 'plot' was well thought out.
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Well done
I see why you call it an almost villanelle, because of the last stanza. Still an excellent poem!
The repetition is very effective.
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There's a deliberate ambiguity in it. I'm glad you like it. Time for bed.
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Interesting, I really like it. I like how you write it as shock-treatment is like brainwashing: "with fine new thoughts my brain's being fed".
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