My whole life has been a journey towards you
yet out of my reach and out of my hand.
suffering seems like the Law of the Land
All this confusion I just can't see through.
The love I feel for you is pure and true
It's no doubt part of God's unfolding plan.
With more maturity I'll understand
that alienation only feels cruel.
He Knows what He's doing. I need to trust,
and try to control this unbridled lust
for the world I long for but just can't have
and be thankful for the sunlight you gave
Or perhaps God's sad too, and wants to set free
our real selves buried under life's debris.
Author notes
(Part First part was an English Sonnet. Part two is a petrachen Sonnet.
Written August 1st, 2004
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What did you think
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1 - 8 of 8
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Dear Duana,
This is marginally better than Part one, but still suffers lapses from iambic meter (lines starting on a strong syllable instead of weak; consecutive strong syllables without an intervening weak one, unnatural stresses etc.)
End rhymes in pure iambic meter must be naturally strong ones and cannot be matched with a weak syllabic rhyme.
I musty go prepare dinner. Hope to see more of your work anon.
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Hi Hugh. None of my sonnets are strong. But I have matured since writing these. I plan to rewrite this one in the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned!
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Very well expressed, Duana!
I can't offer any advice on the form, as I am unfamiliar with it. But if any improvements are needed they would appear to be minor. As far as the message and feeling are concerned, it is excellent!
~ G
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I can see into your heart with these two. It is truely amazing just how much we can say in a poem. You have, in my opinion, done an excellent job with this one! Look to the heavens for guidance. My favorite quote is: "Amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic. Again this is beautiful!
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It may be crudely sad as you say, but it is intensely powerful. It takes my breath away because it so accurately describes the way I feel spiritually right now. All we can do is rely on God's grace and try again every hour, every day, to do what's right in his sight.
Boy is that hard.
Excellent play of form. I love it.
~Bezoar -
Great job!
Very well-done and very beautiful sentiments! -
Theres actually a part three coming
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The last part wrapped it up nicely. I liked the form too, and even thought I don't know much about this one, looks good to me. Yeah, I like it
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