A covered smile and suppressing a laugh
forgetting silent eyes, they, dance too.
He easily mistook her for a fool,
unfeelingly breaking her heart in half.
In her dark valley no comfort or staff
just a wicked man, so heartless and cruel.
He tells her she is his precious rare jewel
but turns on her like a sudden cold draft.
Weakened by his undermining style;
too paralyzed to face reality;
confused by his games, ignoring her pain,
yet craving his love that comes once in awhile.
Comforted by potentiality
the mad cycle starts all over again.
Author notes
Regarding the form, this is an attempted petrachan Sonnet- "I Wear This On My Sleeve
Written July 31st, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Dear Duana,
Thit is a very creditable attempt at a Petrarchan Sonnet which carries a strong message and is only marred by a few metrical errors and the odd 'rough' rhyme - all of which can be fixed by what I call "tweaking" (ie: moving or changing a word here or there.)
The Italian, like the English sonnet, is traditionally in iambic meter. There are a few departures in this that tend to disrupt the flow. I also miss the Petrarchan 'volta' which normally occurs in the sestet.
Considering that this was written nearly three years ago, I must see how you have progressed in your later sonnet essays.
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Hugh, I went into this frenzy I guess three years a goi at trying sonmnets, then I haven't written any since up until this week. And I have improved in my own growth as a person so this has helped me to be more careful in writing sonnets. See my two that I wrote this week on my author page. I will be interested in your opinion. All my sonnets before then, though I ppreciate them, are imperfect to a max!
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awesome!
this poem was terribly WONDERFUL. there is a lot of meaning behind what i just said. the truth in what you wrote is stabbingly real. i was emotionally abused by a man for several months, yet i believed he was God's perfect angel, and that he was the ONE for me. I was blinded by love, and did not see the detriment in his power over me. -
Oh boy do I recognize the feeling. They get at you with silence, with breaking things, and with going away to God knows where for hours at a time. Abuse and violence do come in many disguises. I'm not paying attention to form. I like the poem for its content and its message.
~Bezoar -
Yes, exactly, immobolized by fear, not incompetence is what i wanted to convey.
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Holy crap! I was married to this guy! You have the angle down in these relationships. It's not really being able to face reality, but being afraid of the unknown and not being able to make it alone. This is only because after all of the mental and physical abuse one believes she is not worth anything to anyone. Not even herself. She does seem to live for the good times Few as they may be. Powerful poem. I'm glad I got the opportunity to read it. You don't seem to judge the female like some people would. Thank you. Keep writing.
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I do understand the cycle, it is unending... somewhere along the line, some brave person has to be willing to break the chain. Your poem is sad, and allows the reader to peek into this world if they have never had the experience. I have never been hit by my husband, he is so tender and loving, but my heart bleeds for women who have. Excellent poem, and good of you to bring this haunting issue to the forefront. When writing on such and interpersonal topic, I tend tolook away from form, meter, iambic, and all other grammarical attributes and/or distractions. The poem is true to life and heartfelt. The content in this case is ALL important. Thanks for sharing this real life circumstance with such fervor.
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A very good write, well worth the read.
You have touched on an interesting and profound topic here. Some psychological research actually indicates that we are more likely to be attracted by intermittent reward than by constant gratification. And so due to the personality defect of perserverence. We love those who mistreat us all the more. In order for someone to be a poetess or poet she/he needs to keep it real. You did a very good job with the message of the poem.
With regard to form, there are certainly no tongue trips here. But I noticed a couple flutters in the meter, that you might not have intended. or it could have just been my late night read. I use a trick of singing the verse to make sure that the flow is exactly what I intended. Try it and decide for yourself. -
The cycle of violence is heart breaking and many people just can't or won't get out of it... This was a great message. THanks for putting it into words.
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A strong message which should be read by everyone, I liked the way you made this into a poem. Such an important message, good luck in the contest
A great write- important message and well thought out poem
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wow..oh so true! so many women are physically, mentally, emotionally abused every day...but they stay with their abuser because what if and maybe and could be....to have change you must put forth effort..especially in such dramatic cases as this...but..its a two way street..and if ones going one way and the other's going another way..unless there is a short cut i dont know about..lol..you'll never end up in the same place...so well written..and sadly so true..great job on this..good luck in the contest
~*~Blu~*~ -
Well, girl; for someone that doesn't know what you're doing, I'd say you're figuring it out pretty good! lol This was WONDERFUL! I'm afraid I really identitifed with this excellent piece! (I could have been the woman in this poem!) And you're so right about what you said in your Author's comments; some men, who pride themselves on not being physically violent, have no qualms whatever about the mental, and emotional abuse that they heap upon their mates! You captured that cycle really beautifully! I salute you! Thank you for this WONDERFUL write!
Paula -
Thanks for entering my contest!!! I really like this. Its true about the cylce of violence. It never stops just continues until there is nothing left. Great Write!!!
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Thanks for you awsome encouragement!
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You are so right, that men and women abuse each other. I kind of hinted in the first two lines that this was about a man who was deliberate, and cruel, but even amongst people who really truly care about each other, and have no ulterior motives, there can be a lot of pain that even is caused intentionally sometimes.
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excellent!
It seems that men and women can both do so much to their mates. I have experienced much pain from women in relations, that I have sworn off any more. I have just taken the view that friends are good, but I will remain solo.
Excellently said! -
Hi Nam. Thank you for always being so honest in your comments. The reason i picked htis background is because a person who goes through this cycle feels literally like they are on this merry go round in terms of their confusion, and it is all so lovely and sweet to the outsider. I wrote this in that place of confusion, and so this background struck me, but if i am trying to objectively bring across this subject as information- you are so right- it is unsuitable. I haven't decided which element is more important to me yet. I may change it. Right now, it feels like part of the poem to me.
Edited on Aug 01, 6:50 p.m. because ''. -
You have a spacing error in the fourth line. I also do not understand your choice of the background. The background is clearly, for this particular piece, not suitable - in my opinion.
Other than that, I feel it rings true to the 'cycle' it carries within its lines. I felt that it may also be an 'angst' piece as well, though, in slight.
Anyhow, it's a good piece. I just do not understand the choice of the background.
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Although I've never written a Penchant Sonnet I think you did a superb job with your poem. The chosen topic is one that people should be awaken too. I enjoyed the flow and message of your poem. Bravo!
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Well done, Duana!
Thank you for the change in text colour too, much easier on the eyes. Excellent insight into the pathology of that worst of all manifestations of male insecurity, and its insidious effects. ('a while' is two words)
~ G
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Bravo Duana, This is a great write and a very good subject to write about, I personally have no respect for abusive men at all, I could go on all day about the subject but I wont, anyway I really enjoyed reading this and keep up the great work I love your poetry. ...KraM...
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Insightful
Great work in tackling a difficult form. I like the insinuation of violence rather than the violence itself. The poem is a good exploration of the push/pull, attraction/rejection of an abusive relationship. -
Wow. I think you did a great job with this, something that can be a touchy subject. But it's true, what you said. The cycle just starts over and over. You wrote it beautifully.
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Thanks for your comment
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what i like most about this piece is that it seems like you are writing from an outside perspective, not something personal. hard for a lot of writers to do (write outside their realm of experience). if you ARE writing about it from experience, it doesnt appear so. good job on an objective look at the cycle of violence! well done!
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JUST BEAUTIFUL, my friend...lovely form; horrifying subject...a very unusual combination...very unique...you did well with your desciptions of the situational violence, as well...kind of a 'Crime of Opportunity'...sad, very tragic...but very well written!!!~~~swan ~~~
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This is really sad and you did such a nice job explaining it. The emotion you put into this poem is wonderful, thank you for sharing it.
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really great write but i do not like the idea of men i perfer people women do as much domectic volince verbal as well and it does take two always there bigger picture and why domesatic volince is wrong when the bigger picture gets painted you see that there always more to story, for example a women might have and we all herd it complain the man she with drinks now she might been with that man 10 yrs granted and the question you ask well did he drink when you met him the answer is yes so before you met the person you knew that he drank answer mostly is yes and the wuestion you ask is this if you knew he drank and you feel in love with the person now why would now there be problem ??????( i do not drink so do not take it that i do).my point is a dog is dog you never can stop a dog from being a dog and if you wanted the dog from the start then years latter say i do not want the dog cause well he a dog i think one has to look at themselves first, and the excuse we come up with never stop amazing me. i think one should always walk in another shoes before jumping the gun person yelling or complaining does as much harm as person hitting neither is right.
Pendragon -
Well I have been married to abusive man for 10 years. It is one big cycle. You are right. Great right my friend. ~~Shannon~~
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I have studied Domestic violence as a moduel within my qualifications...so i know the cycle...anyway you have done a good job discribing how it works...though i would hope it is not a reality for you....well done...keep up the good work
dark search -
I am sorry about your eyes. i try to stay as sensitive as i can to stuff like that. If you have any suggestions, please tell me, and I will see what I can do to change them. I myself am not always sure which background colors are good for those with eye trouble, but i want people to experience ease when they read my poems. Thanks for the feedback.
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Good
Wow it was such a good poem you really like captured the moment and her pain. I love the chioce of backgrounds it makes it so twisted. -
i have hard time in reading coz the color really made my eyes itch..even so..this is a wonderful poem..the emotions is great..
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how sad...great poem though VERBAL ABUSE is just as bad as physical abuse..think how much peace in the world there would be if people stoped hating...
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yeah. so many people get lost in that cycle. some people endure all the abuse for that lil moment of feeling loved. sad & disgusting at the same time. but i must have pity. nice write.. whatever a sonnet is. i dont know any of those structured terms haha.
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