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Bob-tale :)

A bunny comes a bouncing;

She wanted to play;

Some cricket and tennis,

but all in a day!

She wanders, to find friends;

But no-one is there,

starts crying and howling

in utter despair.

A voice begins calling;

I will play with you.

come find me, I dare you;

I want to play too...



Author notes

For the young at heart.........
Written July 30th, 2004

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • cutiepie gold member
    September 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your kindness, yes you are correct it does read far better now Many thanks ps I dont take offense easily


  • veritas
    September 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    i like this entry. changing dismay to despair would make the rhyming scheme flow better. It's your poem though, and this is only a (hopefully) non-offensive suggestion.

  • cutiepie gold member
    September 5, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Lol thanks


  • -LizBTropez-
    September 5, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    After reading the comments, I see I'm not the only one who took a more risque meaning from the ending. The use of a rabbit in the beginning didn't help things I found this cute and amusing. Nice work on the rhythm and rhyming.

  • cutiepie gold member
    August 1, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you I hope they will enjoy it .

  • Lady Silver Dragon
    July 31, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    I think it is quite beautiful... the ending could be either way, but since this is entered into the kids contest, I'm sure you meant it in a hide-n-seek way? No, I don't have a problem with it... I actually quite enjoyed it! It's beautiful and simple and something I'm sure my kids will indeed love!

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 31, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it .

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 31, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you, I am always grateful for any suggestions, and your's was a good one


  • orange pudding
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    O yes little kids would love this!


  • melphleg gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for taking my advice. I reread it with the change and I think flows better. I'm honored you took the suggestion. Thanks

  • Diseased Mind
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    for some odd reason, the ending just seems so ominous. Like it's a serial killer calling the little girl. But that just makes this better. I like how you created the feelings of happiness and then changed it at the end. This piece is just too good!

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Lol.......perhaps tomorrow

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for you comments yes I dabble a little for children


  • Chuck Johnson silver member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Continue this one. Send the child off on an adventure!


  • ACHorseJumper
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    this is really cute... great childrens story
    ~*~Ashley~*~

  • Napkin
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    CutiePie! This was a wonderful like mutter of a nice little bunny. I enjoyed your ditty and have you written any other children's poems? Thank you for sharing.

    -Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

  • cutiepie gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you melphleg, this is now done


  • melphleg gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Nice little story. Cute and funny. On minor thing. I think the last stanza would be better "A voice begins calling" Though you use present tense throughout there is a sequence of events until this point. "is" doesn't continue that progression.

1 - 19 of 19