Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Hazy

The night is silent and I am alone
No one to tenderise my hardened heart
I long to gaze upon your face
But I can no longer survive the wait

In my summer there is a hazy shade of winter
What has become of me?
There is no possibility of surrender
From this broken heart of mine

I hang on to my hopes
But like a frayed rope
It breaks
I fall

I look around to my hazy shade of winter
There is no snow, but there is ice
Covering my heart deep inside
I'd rather fly than thaw my frosted eyes

If I could, I surely would
Would I not? I never thought
If I were the saddest sound
This hardened heart could not be bound

Author notes

Written on 30th July 2004 at 01:51 GMT

No idea what this is about. I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. Help? *wide eyes*

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Kain
    August 29, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful, truly beautiful. The words you spoke about having frozen eyes, they captivated my heart; such beauty. I enjoy so much to read your works.

    Your friend,
    Kain


  • July 30, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm...maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something...Like, don't eat pizza before bed. LOL...anyway great write, a little choppy, but it can be cleaned up later. Keep up the great work. Much love to you and yours,
    Nicole


  • kllaw4
    July 30, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Great work , Even so if you dont know what it is about , It is still great . and I love the pattern of this poem .. Kelly


  • earth child
    July 30, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    so much emotion .so sad .great write


  • July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    well i disagree with exteme prejudice with the two fellow poets above... i think it is a great piece, a piece written from the heart - the harsh use of words like tenderise i think show gamble... you're showing all, and i think it stands for itself. it is a poem and i would not dare to tell another poet what would make their poem better... dare i say more - of course i do - but this is not the venue... great work

    billy


  • nike gold member
    July 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    I have to agree with TwoFeetUnder, this has the makings of a wonderful piece but it is very rough right now. I get a sense for the lonliness of love here. Keep working on it.

    Some suggestions:

    The word tenderize seems a little harsh here. Tenderize means to beat until tender. I think you need a little softer word here.

    The last stanza really seems out of place. Your entire poem was free verse until this point. Return to free verse.

    If you would like some help with this, I would be more than willing to do what I can.

    Keep writing.


  • TwoFeetUnder
    July 29, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, it seems like a good or ok poem, sort of imbetween. The emotion behind it is there but appears as if it is straining to be seen. Also, the lines are not around the same length even, which makes it choppy, often not in a good way. I'd suggest for generally more even length lines with perhaps one a purposeful chop to make a point. Still, it is a good starting point of a poem.

    I hope it turns out lovely,
    ~Two Feet Under~

1 - 7 of 7