Forming the words of a forgotten fairytale,
I lay in the torrent of your insincerity.
My eyes search this palace; nay, this fortress about me.
They search only for the simplicity of your smile.
Truly, I deserve more than this dismantled promise,
a promise spoken through silken lips and unclenched teeth.
My own lips taste of salt and bitterness;
the latter leaves an odor that lingers so.
The 'once upon a time' stories play through out my thoughts.
Once love was more than air passing through one's lips.
Oh, the purity of a heart not broken; to have love rest between separate ways.
That purity, the simple grace of words not spoken,
how I long for such things...
Author notes
7/28
This piece is not yet finished, but will be when I am not so tired.
Declawed Kitten~ I had written this piece last night while struggling with love's many taunting questions. So I hope the emotion is felt, for I placed much into it. Though, I am not sure about a specific category. For, it fits in most of them that pertain to love. So you may choose which it fits best and judge according to that. Thankyou, Bri
7/29
Hmm, I revised this quite a bit now
Written July 28th, 2004
A contest entry
- Dancing, Love, and Getting Played by .
500 points, ended June 23, 2007, 27 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wow, this is amazing. A beautiful write
I really love it. Excellent write
God Bless and
take care!
~ Katie
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hey sis! beautiful poem
i'm sure there are tons more poems lying around scattered notebooks!!
keep writing!
(clappies) -
Excellent portray of emotions and great layout. The use of non-rhyme but a wide range of vocabulary was most effective! Well done!
Take care and thanks for sharing, Kate
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Words come way to easy to you It should be a crime! Great write! Nobody can truly say that you didn't word this well, because it's some of the best wording I've seen in a while. However, it's a little confusing because of that, but that's okay! Great work!
In Burnings and Learnings,
-Everyones Dead -
the crowd goes wild!!!
this is very beautiful! the whole poem is strong and flows nicely. I can really feel the emotion in these words and the imagery! oh the imagery is beautiful beyong compare! i wish i could write like this! I love how you use metaphors to compare love and all the emotions that go with it. also the alliteration is wonderful and wow i just loved this! great work! keep it up -
ah yes, refreshingly fitting now.....bravo, I do believe you have found it - you have expressed it now you have you have
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Thankyou for the critique, I thought the same as you do. Yet, I was not sure if one would follow what I had written unless I 'wrapped' it up. My changes are but few, yet tell me what you think. Thankyou very much dear friend.
Blessed be
Brianna -
Powerful start and middle followed suit....but, I have to say, I do not like the last two lines at all. I think they just don't fit. They are from another puzzle, meaning another style of writing even. My opinion here, but trash those, don't feel like you have to wrap it up in the end for us....like you need to tie the ends or cap them....fray 'em and leave 'em hang!!! I love the "silken lips" bit...wow , what imagery there and also the wording in the line "the latter leaves an odor that lingers so" works well throwing in a bit of alliteration and mixing words to add interest.
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this is sooooo wonderfully emotional..*claps*
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Thanks for being so patient with my comment, I know I've taken forever!!! This poem is wonderful, very emotional, very passionate, a beautiful overall write. I can completely relate to this, which is great! I love the ending line, it's amazing and finishes the poem perfectly, keep up the great work!!! -
i love the song. it is wonderful.
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oh my god.. i love it. it's gorgeous. one of the prettiest bitter sweet pictures i've had in my mind in a loooooong time. it's been awhile. but yeah i had fun i must be going now i'd love to comment so much more on it. but have a good day bri
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great
i like the revised version, i wish we had contact, so that i knew more of the back story, instead of just filling in the blanks.
love,
Kate -
Crushing
Beautiful, it captures the hopelessness this situation brings perfectly. The thoughts, writhing in your head trying to understand, trying to comprehend the reasons why. I wish life was like a fairytale too. This reminded me of a song.
"And my lips are raw as hell
I'm bitting on the just to stay awake
It's not like you're going to need them
Cause you won't be around
To see them bleed and break"
Marvelous 3 "Cigarette Lighter Love Song"
Rock On
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