For My Husband

What the fuck am I doing
Living this lie?
Why the fuck can't I walk away
And let myself experience something better?
When the fuck am I going to make a decision
about this fucked up situation?
How long do I have to hate myself, hate my life,
hate the goddamn cycle of alcoholism
before I'll cut the cord and freefall through space?
Will I ever be ready to give it all up?
Is all this surrounding me worth it?
I just spent $1500 on audio equipment--
is that reason to stay?
What am I, a fucking moron?
Is it?
Could I attain what I have alone?
Could I attain what I have with someone else?
Am I willing to lose it all if I can't?
No.
That’s why I'm still here.
Cuz I'm tied to a fucking house,
my beautiful fucking furniture,
my goddamn audio equipment,
and the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed.
And who'd get the bird and the cat?
These may seem like dumbass little reasons
to someone on the outside looking in
but to me they're real.
My life will CHANGE.
I don't know that it'll be better.
So I stay with the known
for the fear of the unknown.
And sometimes things are fine.
And sometimes they're great.
And sometimes they suck.
But when they suck...
they REALLY REALLY suck.
Like right now.
Of course tomorrow the sun will rise
and things will look brighter
and I'll stay another day.
And I'll be happy.
Until the next time.
The next time I get those pangs of fear
that something is dreadfully wrong.
Is it another DWI?
Will he make it home drunk off his ass
and then I'll have to put up with
his drunken ramblings and watch him pass out
drooling on himself.
And it will make me sick once again
and I will wonder once again why I stay.
And then the next morning the sun will rise
and all will be brighter
and I'll stay one more day
Cuz it’s easier.
Will I ever get to the point that leaving is easier?
God help me when I do.
Think the pain NOW is bad?
It's going to take a shitload of heartache
for me to walk out that door and not look back.
So in the meantime I deal with the pinpricks
and hope the big wounds don’t come.
But those pinpricks leave scars
and I wonder if someone could love me
with all the bruises my heart bares.
So I stay in a dysfunctional relationship
where there's love but no trust
And why should there be?
I cheat, he drinks.
He drinks, I cheat.
What a pair.
Sometimes I wonder
if I'd rather be broke and in love
because that's what I'd be if I left.
Here we go again wondering if love can conquer all.
If it could I guess I wouldn’t mind
being married to an alcoholic, eh?
So being that the answer is no
Why leave one flawed relationship
for another flawed relationship?
Then again, T....
you can leave one flawed relationship
for YOURSELF.
for your SANITY.
for your SELF-ESTEEM, your DIGNITY,
your SELF-RESPECT.
Think about it.
Think about leaving
and being alone
and in love with YOURSELF.