we speak of poets
relaxing with wine
in a glass
the moon's reflection
turns gold
Andrew Hide
26~07~2004
Author notes
this is a tanka
it contains a kaminoku, a shimonoku and a pivot.
Written July 26th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Another Contest for Haiku's and Tanka's by Abby Eyeball.
300 points, ended July 30, 2004, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Thank you Charishma,
One of the reasons tanka is rarely successful by western poets is that they view it as a single verse poem, much like the haiku or cinquaine. When in fact it is two seperate verses merged together with the pivot. The first verse ( first three lines) should be able to stand as a single image and be complete on its own, this is the Kaminshu.
we speak of poets
relaxing with wine
in a glass
Pretty much can be said of the second verse (lines 3, 4 & 5) here the poet can be more poetic in that he can use an inward image (thoughts) or a reaction to the first image, it is these three lines which make up the shimonoku.
in a glass
the moon's reflection
turns gold
Usually L3 will be as important to both, the Kaminshu and the shimonoku and serves to be the pivot between the two images and blnd them into a single poem.
I hope this brief guide to the Kaminshu and the shimonoku help.
Andrew -
Beautiful, outstanding tanka! Each line speaks in a golden way for itself. I like the pivot line and how it balances out the tanka. The last two lines are the "ah-ha" for me in this tanka. The imagery is amazing and so is the background. Everything about this is charismatic!! By the way, what is a kaminoku and a shimonoku?
Thank you for sharing.
Charishma -
Excellent!
Ahhhh, AndrewHide,
Congratulations on your win!! I've only just discovered your haiku and tanka, but I've enjoyed reading them and am very impressed with your mastery of the forms.
This, in particular, is truly 'golden'. I love it!
Regards to you,
Serenem
Edited on Jul 30, 10:26 because 'typo'. -
All I can say is this piece is simply magical. I can just invision it all in my mind as I read it. All sitting around in overstuffed chairs, poets discussing poetry and other issues, wine to calm the senses to let the thought flow smoother. And I absolutely adored the line where the moon turns gold. Man this piece is golden!!!
-Abby Eyeball- -
i applauded and my pc crashed again ... so am here to comment- sorry was not being rude
i like this very much andrew - the pivot works brilliantly to link the idea of the poets drinking wine the colour of the moon.
have i learned anything yet i wonder? I hope so
elaine
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i love it
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It's astounding the dreams that can be dreamed in a few simple words. Thank you.
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This is a stunner Andrew
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soothing & pleasing
Lovely, Sir...beautiful background, as well!!!
~~~ swan ~~~
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10.10
wow this was very good.I loved this one alot it had three things to do a wonderful write understanding,the wonderful flow to it,and how well you wrote it.thanks for sharing.good job again and keep up the wonderful work.
sadie
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spectacular
oh my, my, my....lovely! I don't usually care for Haiku...maybe I just have read some bad ones...this one is spectacular! I mean, I completely get the feel here - so much is packed into this tiny bit. I love that! The wine...lol...that is clever. I like the background here too...fitting , kinda free and flowy. Nice write. -
I so admire those who write what I cannot. Perhaps some day I will learn from you.
Exqisite -
Beautiful words on a beautiful background. Perfect in every way.
I've missed reading you, but haven't had much time to roam freely on AP lately. I'm glad I made it here to see this wonderful piece
~Kathy -
Vintage!
Dear Andrew,
Oh! There is much beauty in your tanka. I'm amazed by the flow and sweetness of your vintage. Rich, fruity, and left me for want of more.
love,
larisa -
Ahhhhh -
that is all I can say is Ahhhh
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the center line really holds this piece together well. (i have been having difficulty writing this style...) you have portrayed a shining example.
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the center line really holds this piece together well. (i have been having difficulty writing this style...) you have portrayed a shining example.
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