head is clouded,
clouded by your deceiving eyes.
eyes are dim
dim in the darkness of your lies.
lies that leave me lifeless and weak,
weak as i sink into this abyss.
abyss of weeping and gnashing,
gnashing in memory of the kiss.
kiss of betrayal
betrayal that leaves me too lifeless to seek.
seek the answers to questions,
questions too tired to speak.
Author notes
Written July 25th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Continuessness by KJxMonster.
300 points, ended July 26, 2004, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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WOW Duana! This was great!
My stomach is aching. This is definitely one of your best. The rhymes feel natural and the conclusion was perfect!
Wonderful job. You should be proud of this one
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wow!
this poem left me with shocks of grief as I was reading this. I can totally relate to this. Great job. Keep writing in hand.
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So much
So much of our life is pent searching for that one true love. And on the way we run into some very interesting intersections
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This should be...
one of your faves, because it is a masterful presentation of one of the greatest pains there is. Your cup was well earned here...in some ways I could see this as referential of satan as much as a man--don't know if that was in your mind or not, but this is a great thought-provoking read. Excellent job!
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well I do have Bibical allusions here, regarding hell, but the poem isn't specifically refering to Satan, but to someone and incident in life.
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Wow, this style, I haven't seen others with it before. I like how you were able to make it work out. And this poem, the emotion behind it was just great. Such a good write.
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Glad you liked it! It is one of my favorite that I have written!
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very deep! I like it!
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WOW! This was wonderful. I see why you won. I have one similar ( the style not the topic) but I didn't think it was good enough. I like the way you write. It's deep and emotional. Keep Writing!! Thanks again for the comment on my poem.
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i really like this. it's very well written. and by the way thank u for refurring me to ur daughter's poetry. i like her poetry and yes i can relate to it a lot. thank you agia
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Beautiful
You did an excellent job Lots of emotion yet Sad.
I love the way it flows from the first line to the last. The Rythem is so smooth. The Title is what caught my eye. What can I say just plain Good I will read some more of your work soon.
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Thank you wings of gold. I can tell you really liked it, and that made me feel great. I will tell you, that out of all the poems I ever wrote (over 200 ), this is the ONLY poem that has ever flowed perfectly for me. It is my favorite poem that I have written, for this reason. In this poem I used a very specific form, but with poems in general, I do not understand flow and how to achieve it. I am always amazed at people who have a natural talent for flow- the problem is I have never met a single person who can explain it to me, so I can achieve it myself. Perhaps it is one of those things that come naturally with time as you improve (and even with personality maturity), like typing speed. That is what I'm hoping. Thanks again for reading
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I really like this poem, and the form is one I am familiar with but cannot remember the proper name for it. There is much emotion written in these lines. An excellent writ indeed poet. Thank you for this entry in my contest. I wish you well.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Hi! I wrote this poem for a contest, and believe it or not they explained the form, but didn't name it- they may even have made it up. Regarding your pic- you are a he? If so, this is the biggest surprise of the year!
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macandrew knows the proper name of the form but he hasn't been on-line in a few days. Del Warrington knew it too. He gave a class on it. Nope! I'm still a female. LOL That's my son. Said he needed some attention. LOL
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I really like the rhythm of this, it has excellent flow. I really like this form. Well done and congratulations.
jill
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Excellent!
The title of this piece set the mood very well for what came next! The continuation is perfect, it flows beautifully, nothing forced. It was a pleasure to read this... you have so much skill
~Katie~
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I could relate to this poem.. It was very well structured and written. I can see how you won gold on this. It flowed very well. Beautifully done. Good job! Don't stop writing.
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Great job, and I take it you won the gold with this: congratulations! A very deep and emotional portrayal of betrayal, depression, and a kind of hopelessness that follows. "Questions too tired to speak" kind of says it all without words.
Best wishes,
Moses -
Execellent it brought me to tears
Oh sweetie this hit home for me. I have been hurt by betrayal and its the worst kind ever. Keep your head up and pen down, you have a talent so rare. EXECELLENT -
YAY!
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GOLD WIN! Duana, 
. Well done, I already said I thought you used the contest parameters to great effect...great job!
~ G
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I've never thought of a form like this, I should try it some day. I liked this because there weren't any excessive words or lines in this piece, every word in here serve a purpose. I loved the ending you wrote on this poem. It just so much into 2 to 3 lines.
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effective use of this form... i sincerely love this, nicely done
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I haven't read the contest rues, but I'm assuming this form is required by the contest. It is one of my favorite forms and I think that repetition works very nicely for you in this piece. Also repetition of so many words with connotations of weakness and such make the poem give off a tired, weak vibe. The last line explains it all. Terrific piece.
~Anastasia -
Very well done, Duana! You have used the contest paramaters with great effectiveness for the subject. It works so well, with that 'going round in circles' effect that mental anguish produces.
~ G
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Great work!
I love this, Duana! Excellent job! -
I really like this form and I think you did a fine job with it too. It flows so nicely. Great job!
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This is wondeful I love it ! I espcially like the lines: "kiss of betrayal
betrayal that leaves me too lifeless to seek."
This is so goo and it flow so well. You did a fantastic job. Keep on writing. ~ Marissa ~
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i love it! the style that you wrote it in is especially good. i like how you use the last word of each line to begin the next line. good job.
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10/10
wow this was a really good write you have wrote here.I loved it and it flowed so well.it was also very good written.thanks for sharing this wnoderful piece and good job again
sadie
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A great write. I loved the way that the end words started anew.
"kiss of betrayal
betrayal that leaves me too lifeless to seek.
seek the answers to questions.
questions to tired to speak"
Those lines made a great impact. Take care, Kate
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when one is betrayed, there are so many signs that point to that fact, and love often blinds one to htem, but when they become clear then the heart will shout something much like you have released above...a strong angst poem...send it to the one responsible...Artis
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betrayal leaves us all in an uspoken language of dissoray
and dissapointment
very well stated
Tamara
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