At creation's beginning, I knew you
and we were coupled together as one.
I wonder if you have this feeling too
of years of eternity just begun.
As bright watchful stars encircle the moon
with enjoining hands embracing the light
intuiting, drawn to each others tune
our souls found each other with divine sight.
Now perhaps, we live in parallel worlds
you unaware in this conscious present
weaving in and around each others' shields
as we spiral down in darker dissent.
Can authentic questions ever be posed
of silent stirrings within, now disclosed?
Author notes
Ouch, I know to anyone who understands sonnets. Sorry. This ia in the works. The rhyme scheme is way off, and it is going to take me time to fix it. And there are probably other things wrong with it too. I've decided to leave it here however instead of deleting it. Thanks for reading though.
Written July 21st, 2004
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Dear Duana,
Because you kindly commented on (so presumably read) a number of my poems, I felt the urge to read some of yours and found them interesting and, in most cases, enjoyable to read.
That I haven't commented on them is not because they were not worthy of comment but, for several reasons, I do not comment on contest poems (long story of which my favourites are aware.)
I note your comment on one of my triolets that the trioloet is your favourite form. The sonnet is mine.
I have therefore read your sonnets and commend your essays in this most difficult of poetry forms.
If, at any time, you would like me to preview and edit
one of your sonnet works, please email the draft to:
h.wyles@clear.net.nz and I will be happy to help you.
Whether you take advantage of my offer or not, thankyou for your comments which have brought you to my interest and attention.
Keep writing. You have a potential which should be developed.
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Thank you! You are very kind to offer. I will definitely keep this in mind as I try my hand at different sonnets in the coming weeks.
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Thank you for your valuable feedback. One day I am going to go back and rewrite my sonnets, because they contain some very important parts of my soul. But I am going to wait til I can get better at meter. I just bought a poetry book exclusively on meter, so I hope it helps me.
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This speaks to me about real love, which feels like it was awaited before it was known, and can never end. All eternity is now (I think), so "years of eternity just begun" clashes with my world view (not your problem).
The meter needs work, and the rhymes in stanza 3 are odd. The problem with present and dissent is that the accent in present falls on the first syllable and it falls on the second in dissent.
Relationships are rich fodder for sonnets. Your questions are valuable, good work.
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"I wonder if you have this feeling too
of years of eternity just begun."
An awkward line twisted to make the rhyme fit. I think it is a mistake to sacrifice the way a poem sounds to make a rhyme fit in. Message, sound, should be first, rhyme should be invisible.
"drawn to each others tune"
'others' possesses 'tune' -- you forgot to punctuate this.
Overall, I think you use too much abstract language in this poem. This obscures your message and leaves the poem lacking in bite and power.
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excellent!
I am not biug in forms, but as any Writer will tell you, understanding them makes you better and more diverse. This is an excellent first go! To be honest, you did much better than my first attempt! You at least got the form down.
I honestly don't see any real issues with this; form is right, words are very good. I like it!! -
I like this a lot. I thought it was quite beautiful. I don't know much about sonnets but I do know I liked this.
And thanks so much for your wonderful comment on mine as well.
~*Destiny*~ -
Just thought i would read this piece again....sometimes writings can make more sense backwards....just a hint
dark search -
To know without a doubt that you have found your other but also to know they can not recall is a sad thing indeed...i enjoyed this piece...and i can relate to this it in ways though it seems like there is something missing....perhaps there is another passage you are yet to write here....as you said it may need some work....you have done a great job with this one... your eyes begin to open....keep up the great work and thanks for sending me this link
dark search -
This is clever, the thoughts you pose reminds me of a poem I wrote for a schoolyard crush. She never knew how I felt yet in the poem we had lived an entire life together. You’re taking me sweetly back to that thought again after reading this one.
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Hey im not all in about wut things are post ta be in poetry as u can tell from my poetry just being written down words taken from life....thats wut I see poetry as...a way to defign your excistance...to shout out to lifes happenings....I think the is the way it should be...because its not stressed...it comming straight from the reason it was written! To me restricting poetry to certain cryteria is like making a sunrise a math problem or putting the sea in a cup for observation....
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Was it the sonnent where the rhyme was suppose to be almost undetected and with unique rhyming words? *stares* Well anyways I can't give you any suggestions about the form but I'll say that the theme and the thoughts in this poem were creative a well-written.
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I, of course, don't really know how sonnets are supposed to be. But even if it's not correct, it's good. And I mean really, really good. I couldn't even begin to write something like this. I'm glad you left it.
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Hello. I don't know what a sonnet is really and I don't understand them but I like this poem a lot. I don't know why, there's just something about it I like...can't figure it out!!! Anyways- Keep up the good work...Good Job...
*********************SpankyGurly********************* -
pretty pretty poemy pictures
ARE YA STILL LAUGHIN', MY FRIEND??? hehehe
BEAUTIFUL POEM, DUANA!!!
I would LOVE to see it after YOU consider it finished...'cause I like it NOW!!! Let me know, m'Friend...swan
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Great job!
This is very profound! -
Sometimes the rhyming scheme is... not important. I thought it to be wonderful. I don't like it when people make poetry more about form, and rhyming perfection.... than about what it really is. Words.. on a page.. flowing together in a more beautiful fashion than just mindless rambling. Emotion and ideas representing the creativity of the person expressing them. I don't like it when people like to school others on HOW to write their poetry. This rocked. And you wrote it. and that's what matters. Keep this up. I enjoyed it a lot and I'm sure others did. Rock On. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Amanda~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hi. Thank you for your comment on my in the works sonnet. I almost missed your comment altogether. I will let you know when it is finished.
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I do love this poem, there is a lovely feeling of joy from it, and some of the descriptions are really great.
The problem with it as a sonnet is not the rhyme, but the rhythm. Most of it is in what I think is called dactyl (BUM ba ba BUM ba ba), which makes it a bit awkward in parts, since that rhythm is in threes and ten syllables doesn't go into three. Iambic pentameter is ba BUM ba BUM ba BUM ba BUM ba BUM. So your first line is "At creation's beginning, I knew you", which is stressed "at creAtion's beGINning i KNEW you". A similar line in Iambic might be: "I knew you when the stars and planets formed" (i KNEW you WHEN the STARS and PLAnets FORMED).
Apart from that, though, it's a very gentle, elegant love poem and you've done it very well. I agree with previous comments: as a poem, it's really excellent, but it's not quite a sonnet. Not yet, anyway! -
Good luck in the revisions to come. Try to make each line with ten syllables.. switch some words around to do it... then follow the suggestions above.
Nice idea and very worthy of more labor on it.
Don -
You shouldn't think that there is much wrong with it. It's awesome... I know trying to perfect a write is hard and time consuming, but you will get it...
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You shouldn't think that there is much wrong with it. It's awesome... I know trying to perfect a write is hard and time consuming, but you will get it...
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*smiles* Thank you, at least, for not being arrogant and assuming this is just absolutely perfect.
I really do like this... I think it's a terrific beginning (and I cannot emphazise this enough, it really is quite good) but you're right, you need to work out a couple things.
It looks like Aeolian Song has left you suggestions on how to do that, so I will just tell you that I enjoyed your words and concepts. Great job.
Elizabeth -
perhaps creation's beginning? perhaps also other's shields though i am not sure where two s's are concerned, it could be others' shields. that aside, i am going back up to read the thoughts of kindred spirits and time. I was enjoying before i got sidetracked.
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theres nothing like a cute love poem a stop at Vampire freaks, and a cup of coffee to start ur morning rite... now if only my bf was awake
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well, I do not confess to understand sonnets..but I really do like this piece..good write...freda
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to be [a sonnet] or not to be that is the question! and you know me - I am no good at all this counting and accents stuff so i just read it ....three times actually - and you know what - its a very good write
Perhaps we are in parallel worlds
you unaware in this conscious present
weaving in and around each others shields
spiraling down in darker dissent.
great images - I love this verse and the dancing shields bit is fantastic
tweek if you need to to make it a good sonnet [ whatever that may be!] but do not lose the essence - please?
elaine
elaine -
You're right, there are some issues with this poem, specifically the rhythem and an occassional slip from the rhyme scheme. On the other hand, this poem as anything else but a sonnet is already beautiful. If you want to make it a true sonnet, following the rules more closely, I doubt it would take much work at all...it's already beautiful.
Truly, I like it a lot. -
Duana you know I love the subject, and your imagery is wonderful! Also like the use of "dissent" with the allusion to its homonym.
There is such a great beginning here it shouldn't take much to get it flowing beautifully. Aeolian Song's helpful suggestions sound good.
~ G
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this is what i want you to try with this piece, it may work for bringing this poem into the shape you're looking for.
read each line by itself outloud. don't try to read it in any particular meter, read it as a little piece of prose and study in your mind how the words form naturally. if you try to mold the words to a meter before looking at how the words form naturally, you're going to end up wrenching accents. what it means to wrench an accent is to cause a normally unaccented syllable to scan/read as an accented syllable. this can work in certain cases, but generally it won't.
read each line independently, not as part of the meter you have in your mind. if the line doesn't read as prose the way you want it to read in meter, then word-smith the line until it does read as prose, naturally, to the meter you have in mind.
let me know how this excercise works. i think it's worth spending some time on to find how viable a tool this method is for your work. -
Superb.
I thought it was beautiful. The further I read, the more I liked it. You should definitely write more. I especially loved this part: intuiting, drawn to each others tune
our souls found each other with divine sight
It's just so amazing. I only wish I could write this well. -
SOUL-STRUCK by this one!!!
BRAVO!!! LADY POET!!! Oooh, Duana...I JUST LOVE THIS WRITE YOU'VE DONE!!! Lush...inspired...soul-searching...& soul-FINDING...how wonderful!!! Sorry, kiddo...NO CRITIQUE HERE!!!...LOL..my Friend, this IS awesome, truly!!! wow...swan Great Poem, Lady!!!
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Beautiful write I loved it, Great work I always love reading your work keep it up
Romeo
VvvV -
alsome!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow im the first to comment on this wonderful write you have written here it deserves so much. The least I can give you is my comment and applaus thanks for sharing this wonderful write.
"Perhaps we are in parallel worlds
you unaware in this conscious present
weaving in and around each others shields
spiraling down in darker dissen"
All I can say Is wow.
God Bless
Mary
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