nausea and paranoia
compressed into
A cold prickly ball in my stomach
as it jabs confusion reigns
am i writing with my tounge
or on it
stomach rolling and bucking
tiny spindly legs march
up and down my arms
misery shrouds
which to kill,
which to hide?
which to listen to
to make them be silent?
bleach overpowers
and oblivion surrounds
Author notes
i know this is weird, i woke up feeling incredibly sick, my mother couldn't smell the bleach and seemed really surprised that i had woken... i ended up having to crawl out my window, i think she's trying to poison me. when i woke up again i was on the sidewalk and this was next to me in my writing.
Written July 16th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is really great! I love the first three lines, "nausea and paranoia
compressed into
A cold prickly ball in my stomach" It's such vivid imagery. Nice use of capital/non-capital letters! Kudos. Write on!
Cheers,
SilentScar
((Elizabeth)) -
Plenty of good use of words. Nicely brings out thoughts for the imagination....You can almost feel the bubbles of truth , Eruptions and haphazard fallings. It makes turning pictures in the readers head , There is a lot to consider here and this is absolutely not a surface poem. Wonderful job here and we congragulate you on a job well done. Certainly one of the best poems we've read today. Introspective.
Your friends,
Jaunty pill and Slaughter
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Incredible
Another brilliant piece by a brilliant writer. I agree with glazecovered when she wrote you use a "minimum amount of words, but with the maximum impact." I always enjoy reading your poetry and am sorry for not commenting on them sooner. I hope you will keep it like it is, because it is remarkable and resplendent - all of the "impact" and "intensity" intact! -
I liked this a lot especially the ending it was really great
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Excellent work. I decided to read some of your work becuase you had commented so wonderfully on mine. Your words are absolutely stunning. I love your word choice, and your descriptions are impecable. The imagery is amazing. I like how everything is lower case, a trick that I often use in my poetry to soften the mood or theme of the poem. However, one line starts with a capital 'A', which you only want to do to accentuate a line, and this particular word doesn't need to be accentuated. You can capitalize Pain if you wish. These are just my thoughts, do with them what you will.
SilentScar
(Elizabeth) -
Perfect
Hi,
This was absolutely wonderful! At first I had no idea where this write was going...I loved the vivid imagery and descriptions, but as I read on...wow! I could actually smell the bleach you describe in this write! The power of suggestion at it's very best! This was an excellent write my friend! Thanks for sharing and thank you for the lovely comment on my write
--Johnny -
i did mean to say oblivion surrounds, that was just a typo, thanks. i don't think i'll change the rest though, cause that's how it was when i woke up... weird, i know. thanks for your honest critique!
Edited on Jul 19, 1:19 p.m. because 'crud, i mispelled it again'. -
that's pretty hard core. what was your mother doing with so much bleach? laundry? making biological weapons?
i really like the first four lines of this. yeah. they do it for me.
-randomatic -
I'm not sure, but in the last line did you mean to say "oblivion surrounds"? I think it makes more sense that way.
You start out very straight-forwardly. I think the combination of nausea and paranoia is rather deadly. The whole piece is very intense with minimum amoutn of words but maximum impact. I felt that the repetition of "which" took away from the impact. I think that if you take out "which to kill", the whole piece transforms. Just a suggestion.
I hope this helped.
~Anastasia
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