.... for Bonnie ....
Shaded by the swaying pines, moonlit slivers phase and shift;
Water capers from the spring, sliding by with gentle sound—-
Thrilling whispers shiver past; firm embrace bestows her gift.
Poised nearby, the unicorn drinks where crystal waters drift,
Golden horn and silver fleece lightly gleaming all around,
Shaded by the swaying pines; moonlit slivers phase and shift.
Dancing, leaping cloud to cloud, held aloft by feathered lift,
Flying horses fill the night, sharing in the joy she found—-
Thrilling whispers shiver past; firm embrace bestows her gift.
Swung beneath broad ivory wings, pearly hoofs had formed a rift;
Chance and magic joined to coax water from a stony mound,
Shaded by the swaying pines; moonlit slivers phase and shift.
Subtle whinnies on the breeze blend with warbling water-sift,
Joined by neighs and clops until mystic equine tones abound—-
Thrilling whispers shiver past; firm embrace bestows her gift.
Horses wing the spangled depths, prancing lightly, sure and swift;
Shaken loose, a feather floats, lightly falling to the ground,
Shaded by the swaying pines; moonlit slivers phase and shift—-
Thrilling whispers shiver past; firm embrace bestows her gift.
Author notes
to learn more about the villanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/784856/all=1
Written July 1st, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Neighs and clops seems to be a beautiful contrast to me actually...
The neigh being the soft..and the clop being more rough in the mind...
I have always loved horses but unicorns have never fascinated me like other girls...and even some boys when I was younger.... maybe because I was taught from the get go that they were not real and that I wasn't even allowed to imagine that they existed... one of those dad things again...
"Subtle whinnies on the breeze blend with warbling water-sift,
Joined by neighs and clops until mystic equine tones abound—-
Thrilling whispers shiver past; firm embrace bestows her gift."
If I could only go to a place like this right now...I feel so caught and seeking an escape is so damn stressful...
The words are art...one of the things that I think I have learned on my own is that the mind doesn't always have to dive deep to enjoy the meaning of a meaningful poem...you can just listen in your mind to the way the words combined sound out loud..or even just in your head...there is a heart beat to it...a soft breathing motion...although my mind usually does dive deep and try to sort things...ever once in a purple moon I find myself doing this...
This villanelle seems to be leaning more towards to what you write today than the first two...
KAY laon
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I got a little curious and wanted to go back to one of the first pieces you posted... to see if you've always had this marvelous gift of description that I like so well...
and here I find... it is indeed a gift... Your word usage amazes me! This is so soft and beautiful that I found myself wanting to experience this fully... there is such a feeling of peace in this to me... wonderment, magic... beauty.
I was fully immersed in your words, the mental picture and the flow.. but then one line threw it off for me and brought me back to my computer... The line "Joined by neighs and clops until mystic equine tones abound" I'm not sure what exactly it is about the word 'clops' but it doesn't seem to fit in the line... it's kind of clumsy and, for me, threw it off... I mean no offense with this... truly I don't...
I could never write anything like this... I've read this form before from others and they seems to say the same thing over and over, just in different ways... but you, you just wrote this so that the reader is so drawn in by the images, the beauty... that nothing else is noticed!
An amazing piece Zahhar...
~Melissa
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hmmmm, sure is an interesting sensation to be brought back to this piece, especially since the woman i wrote it for is no longer my significant other, and has since moved on to pair up with a better man than i... *massive sigh*
ah well. we're here to screw up a few times and hopefully learn. somehow learn.
anyway, no offense taken. i appreciate learning the actual thoughts and reactions of my readers, and this is what you've given me.
not as a justification, but just fyi, "clop" is the sound of a hoof hitting a hard surface, like a cobble-stone road, or the granite edge of a pond.
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Yes, this is the villanelle I sought to comment on. You are obviously no novice to the villanelle, and it is among the most beautiful forms to support the most beautiful content. What I noticed about this poem (which is highly unusual) is that the content does not rely on the form itself to hoist it to a higher level. Your words stand on their own merit, more than most all I have ever read in my life, so the form only solidifies my high opinion. You also have managed to work this into a full-bodied poem despite the refrains and 19-line limit with longer lines--fourteen perfect syllables per line and caesuras in perfect place. Another thing you have pretty much mastered is finding appropriate refrains that withstand the repetition: "Moonlit slivers phase and shift"...as I read this throughout the poem, I see just that--the movement of shadow and the moon as it moves across the sky as the rest of the scene progresses through the poem. It is a gorgeous poem, a light combination of ether and imagery that feels like what I like to call "Valhalla".
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Just copied this beauty and will be back later to comment on this and another of yours that I copied yesterday. I like to chew on them a bit when I feel compelled to say something more useful than "wonderful poem". I thank you for all of your intelligent comments.
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to my mind this isn't as fluid as i wanted it to be. i was actually pretty unhappy with this poem, but since it was a better piece of writing than anything i had yet managed by the time i wrote it, i was at the same time very happy with it. lol
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I can detect the word crafting or smithing being worked out in this one - and it does not affect the flow. Not from this reading. Now that is what I want to attain..... nothing contrived... a fluidity that carries a story with full imagery and elliciting emotion and response.
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superb.
I needed to read this a few times to fully get the imagery, and was not the worse for having done so.. In fact my life was much improved, because good poetry bears a gift in that its frequent reading brings great joy. I am surprised and confused that you are not yet published. I do think that publishing is an arbitrary and confusing path. I am lucky to have some poems about to be published, but not by a university. (by a Buddhist nun actually). I think that universities, like all institutions, have certain preferred activities, one of which is 'publish or be dropped from the faculty' which means that lecturers and professors are far more likely to be published than students or interested observers. I also think that commercial publishing depends on public demand, and from what I have seen on other poetry forums, what is greatly admired and hugely applauded is not necessarily good poetry. Often the best poets are quiet and their work is passed over. So sad. -
Wow! Each line is so full of imagery that you forget there are refrains. The essence of a beautiful villanelle is in the refrain. It must either vanish completely or ring out strong. Here you have made the line different each time though none of it is changed.
You have a gift with these and I must say I am truly impressed with your mastery.
There are forms and then there is poetry. This is poetry.
Susan -
This is absolutely fantastic. Such beautiful imagery, (and I don't even like horses) Your use of words to paint a beautiful world is simply wonderful.
~Bezoar
Edited on Aug 29, 11:27 because 'I missed a word'. -
Now you are just trying to intimidate me. j/k Sharp and clear your words are. Bringing me right into this picture you have painted. Bravo!
~ Willow ~ -
Your imagery is spectacular. You have detailed the lighter colors of night so well, i.e. "pearly," "ivory." Excellent choices rather than just saying plain ol' white, you brought it into sharper focus with more detail.
Beautifully done. I look forward to reading more
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Beautiful poem which blends allusion, metaphor and poetic imagery. It's essentially a prose poem which describes eloquently a almost fanciful scene. Indeed a dream it is, an a nice one.
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