Your glass heart
in the gravel gutter
lying like a broken bottle
The stinging scenes
of a car-crashed life
litter amber shards
in the black tar night
Under the blinding eye
of a streetlight's stare
the crystalline shatter
sent the sirens screaming
in electric hues
of blinding blue
and reckless red
Running footsteps echo
to the wreckage ahead
They're screaming into the night
Just a dull roar
that dissipates into whispers..
The wheels are turning but you're upside down...
Pick up the pieces before the crystalline crunch
You're on your way...but the brakelight's on...
Accelerate
Author notes
Still writing this. I think i will leave the hope category alone for the moment..this was meant to have something of that in it, but it just 'turned' out differently. I am entirely open to honest critiques. If you don't like it, say so, but please state why lol.
I guess this is a poem that relates to a time when you feel like everything is falling apart...I didn't write it with an ambulance and a car crash in mind.. i think it's meant to be more metaphorical..Anyways, thanks for reading
Written July 7th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I am very impressed with this..I love the style and word choices and it is just very vivid and paints a great picture. I will definitely be back to read more of your work and I hope you will do the same
(if you do I recommend some of my slightly older ones!)
I truly enjoyed this and it made sense...it is obvious you didn't just write nonsense.
well done!
~ Lea -
OMG! You have so many responses on this poem that I dunno what else to say differently from above, but since I read this I had to definitely respond to this piece! You have wonderful talent and I enjoyed reading this, keep writing and never stop the talent God has given you
---Sara
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yes i took this a one excellent metaphor!
you painted the scene so well
a heart lying helplessly bleeding
the world crashing ontop of love
...on life that you cannot grasp
or breathe, or scream when you need it!
i love the natural rhyme
this has a wonderful flow
and packed with tons of emotion!
i did indeed enjoy!
~ashes~ -
It's amazing how you can portray running from your problems so well...it didn't get as caught up in the metaphor as many other poems would. Very good!
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GREAT JOB!! Its touching! excellent write!
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My dear, you are incredibly talented! This is a wonderful piece! I'm amazed that someone as young as yourself has written such a deep, and emotive piece! You obviously have a gift, and I can't even begin to imagine the level that you'll be writing on in another 5 years (and beyond!) Your imagery here was very clear; I loved the metaphor of the "glass heart." Quite appropriate, as human hearts are such delicate things! Excellent write! Keep it up!
Paula
And thank you so much for taking the time to read 'Beyond!' Your generous and kind comments are most appreciated! -
I love this poem...at first when I saw the title, I thought it might be about the creatures "sirens". (Bad guess, but fantastic poem!) I especially like the verse:
Under the blinding eye
of a streetlight's stare
the crystalline shatter
sent the sirens screaming
in electric hues
of blinding blue
and reckless red
Such an amazing stanza. I love the imagery you incorporated in this. Very vivid words indeed.
I understand what you meant by it being a metaphor...I dunno, I like it the way it is. I think that adding a bit of "hope" at the end is good, but the ending you have now delivers it perfectly. Good luck with this piece!
-morgana
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the best ive read
It's a very dramic poem by bringing you into the sceen with the usage of your words if i had to give it marks out of 10 its be a 20 -
Hey great poem, you have a great imagination and it's clearly used in your words!
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this is really cool. i like the images you created here... i hope to see more soon!
~joe~ -
Wonderful metaphor. I'm glad to see another writer who admits they let the story or poem lead them, rather than forcing it
Excellent word choice, use of alliteration, and vivid description. I could find only one flaw, but it could be a play on words, I suppose: the breaklight's on. (should be brakelight).
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Very good
This is very good . You have lots of very nice phrases and imagery here.keep writing. -
well done
gorgeous...
love Tannybabez -
This was beautiful. You write such pretty words. I felt just...blown away by this. It's good. Grood even.
<3 Seth -
Thanks Lemon. I guess the ickle bit of hope was meant to be the word 'accelerate'...thanks for reading...i've been on here all day and i haven't done a thing (i still have to cook dinner, do a mountain of ironing and water the plants...arrggh) thanks for your comment, i really appreciate it. And yeah, imagery is all i do really.
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Wow it's like there's hope but at the same time faliure and that's what makes this poem so god damn impacting you sjust feel it...and that's just incredible most poems are so well visual in my head....lemon.
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This is a really powerful piece. I love "stinging scenes", "gravel gutter", "streetlights stare", and "sirens screaming". What a terrible, tormented (but great!) image you create. I'm a little confused as to why this piece is in the hope category, however...i don't see any hope in it! Perhaps it's just me... Great write though!
~Elsie -
I really think your strong point in this is the imagery. You seem to have a good emotional base, as well. Peppering it with hope might be a bad idea... ending it with hope may work... sometimes things ought to be left as they are. But it's your poem, don't let us decide for you.
Elizabeth -
Excellent
This piece is absolutely amazing, tho i see very little hope in it.. This poem has such description, emotion. It leaves a very vivid image in my mind, of the car, the wreckage, the ambulance's screaming sirens.. Wonderful job really! You are an amazing poet, with a true talent! Thank you so very much for sharing this piece with us!
~Somber -
Don't see a big streak of hope, but I do see exactly what is happening. The imagery is awesome here. Vivid, clear, and beautiful. Awesome and fantastic job with this poem. I congratulate and commend you!
~The Kawaii Hyperpan -
well even with out the hope its still really good....i like it a lot...i can see your talent coming out....its just not out yet...keep working on this poem and it will be perfect...good luck
*punky -
Honestly, not seeing too much hope. The the picture you paint is vivid, and starkly beautiful. So sad, and strong. Nice job,
Amanda
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