fallen Gods
forced to live alone
-among chaos, among fools-
the sun drips red
on hearts of lead
i drown happily in the silent pools
forced to live what i can't condone
risen frauds
virtually...living?
- just leave me -
reality, giving empty presents
- up to the sight -
but i don't want to go
the nexus of light and dark
the heavens and hells
a Danger abounds
the portals are twisted
it disagrees with the self
repent? pray?
- let faith go -
vent and say
"i let myself go"
place hindrance on a lone shelf
love bleeds me like a Shadow
my soul is bound in a timeless meadow
teasing logic, appeasing the weak
away from the lies and away from the meek
the fallen and the risen
a battle in a prison
the old and the young
forever, the song remains unsung
Author notes
This is the remake of Shadow Makers - Reprise.
Written June 30th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Ah. Well, as far as rhyme goes I rhymed some (strangely on purpose..the first stanza rhyme from first and last line and inwards like that) and left the middle without rhyme to get a feeling of movement between thoughts.
That's a good idea about adding something between 'live' and 'what'..i'll think of something suitable to put there. -
"the sun drips red
on hearts of lead" <-- I just love this line, its great.
"forced to live what i can't condone" maybe think about adding with btween live and what?
Otherwise its great, I really enjoyed reading this and think its improved a lot from the first version. My only question is about the rhyming pattern. A couple a times it rhymes, but otherwise it doesn't. Was this intentional or accidental?
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Very good comment. I'll revamp things soon. And i think you're right..from what i remember i did end it abruptly having lost the flow of creativity...i don't like to just go on writing if it's not going to be good..but then i think i just forgot about it. I'll work on it and repost.
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This was a great poem, with layers and filled with different meanings. I joined reading it very much. A few things I saw that may need fixing are:
"forced to live what I don't condone" this line seems to be missing a word. I see that you were trying to rhyme and all but this line -“I let myself go”- just doesn't work as well with the rest, I don't know. Also the eding didn't seem like an nding, but more like oyu stopped abrubtly. -
thx!
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wow! it flows really well. what more can i say great work
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This piece conveyed great emotion. Keep it up.
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