Rays of light through the curtain
Catching in its wake the fairy hairs
of a figure upright on a bed
A still silhouette in the dawning light
Dawn's air is weightless
The sky an endless deep azure
That travels along the road of freedom
A road which hath no end
Twilight, still but breathless
in the fading hours
its candlelight falls like rain
beaded crystals in emerald grass
A moth flutters airily in a daze
The azure's intricate adornment
Auburn leaves, fiery red, mystic green
a flourishing kaleidoscope
Falls on dew of tear dropped glass
I couldn't throw away the note you wrote
Folded it away, the second shelf
From a blue iris fell a tear
Author notes
Hmm.. .not as much substance as I'd like, but there is a romantic notion at the end. It can do with some work though.
Written June 30th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Awesome
Wonderful poem here. Your imagery is so beautiful and interesting, it grabbed my attention till the end. The last stanza is nothing less than perfect, I loved it.
Keep writing, you're talented.
And thanks for your comment on my poem "Sweetly embroiled by love and hate" -
Beautiful
This was an awesome write. I could see everything you said. It was absolutely beautiful. Your visionary writting is beautiful. Keep it up dont ever stop. Cant wait to see more from you. -Celestial -
Beyond Brilliant
This is a wonderful poem! Such vivid imagery! "Dawn's air is weightless
The sky an endless deep azure
That travels along the road of freedom
A road which hath no end" Nice use of 'hath' as well-- I like Old English. Kudos. : )
Cheers,
SilentScar
((Elizabeth)) -
I thought it was quite good. There are only a few things I'll throw out there for the sake of actually writing a critique.
The last line of the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza...the dawning/dawn...could maybe use a tweak.
Also, "Twilight, still but breathless" kind of threw me. It's just that "still" and "breathless" are very similiar things, so you don't really need the "but" in there muddling it up.
Past that I adored the second to last stanza. Overall sweeping the hair softly like a summer breeze it caressed. Wonderful. Keep writing and thanks for your comments on my poem. -
This is such a beautiful poem, i loved the way the words softly flowed entwining into the next verse. I think the lines
"Twilight, still but breathless
in the fading hours
its candlelight falls like rain"
Were really enchanting. Anyway, hope to see some new poems of yours soon!! Best wishes, Kate xx
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This is such a great poem. The imagery and flow of it were perfect. I enjoyed it very much. Queen
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awesome detail and imagery
felt like i was there for every moment
very enjoyable writing
-Scott Baltz -
I rework all the time. I love the ethereal feel of the visuals..it is very romantic poem with bright colors displayed in the flow. If you rework it please let me know.
Daoine -
I will say that most adults do not write this well and the imagry you put into this was really amazing. I love the word usage as well.
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Wow. There's so much description here, so many details. Very nice! I loved the words you used, you're very good!
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Yeah i know.. i've only got 5 or 6 poems, but i do have another on the way. It just takes a while for me to form an idea about what i'm going to write lol! Thanks for your kind comments, they're much appreciated. I seem to have been in 'critique' mode lately, so i haven't written much lol, but thank you for critiquing my stuff and for your writes to.
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great job
wow this is a really really neat write.I like the beat that follows on with this and how well you can understand it!Great job again I hope to read more writes soon!
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wow this is one of the most amazing poems that I have ever have the pleasure of reading. I love the way you made every line so soft and vivid, alive and flourishing, every word giving birth to a whole new world itself. Yet at the same time, you seem to make it look easy, the way that you let every line string together perfectly, the way that your entire poem seems to flow into itself, without signs of flaw. I would love to have your poetic mind; "beaded crystals in emerald grass", "The azure's intricate adornment
Auburn leaves, fiery red, mystic green
a flourishing kaleidoscope"
beautiful. When I finished reading this, it was like I had been awakened from a dream. If you don't mind too much, I'm going to bookmark it, you have become one of my favorites and I will add you to that list. Thank you so much for the wonderful poem, you are an inspiration and a dream writer. Keep up the wonderful, wonderful work! (I'm looking for more from you!)
----Shady
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its complex in the wording but the meaning is simple.i loved it. its amazing...great write. black
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Compelling read.
form style and content roll into a great poem.
I liked it.
Gopal -
Excellent imagery! Love the "A road which hath no end"... the whole poem has a nice, hm, what's the word, almost whispy, light, fluttering (perhaps?) aire to it... wraps up nicely at the end with the actual essence of what is happening... painted the picture beautifully.
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Ah, dude. This is really really good. I'm diggin' this a whole lotta deep. Beautiful words. I really love words...wow...yeah...this is great
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What a beautiful poem Makes me want to be able to see it...from your eyes instead of mine.
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sometimes substance isn't needed and this is one of those times i believe... this is ethereal, beautiful, laden with beautiful imagery... wonderful job!
elizabeth
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