Some real quick reasons why I've stopped drinking at functions
of both the public and the private variety:
1. Polishing off my one liners with untimely power words
out of nowhere like "herpes" and "Venereal warts" in the middle
of some idiot giving their party blessing to the host, and thinking
it's hilarious (while beer foam drips from my convulsing nostrils).
2. Trying to guess out loud what color my shit's going
to be from drinking 10 teil jell-o shots in a row. With Merlot
on top of light beer, dark beer, and whiskey in-between.
3. Still smelling vomit in the front room even after the
throw rug's been Bisselled, to death, and tomato juiced.
4. Trying to fuck the help.
5. Trying to fuck the host.
6. Fucking the band.
7. Considering nudity an original option during gift opening.
8. Telling people I'm friends with everyone from Dave Navarro
to Sonny Bono, although the latter's DEAD.
9. Cringing the next day, every ten minutes, while my memory
returns; as flashes of me rubbing down midgets with mud
and lard slowly surface.
10. Bumping into people that recognize me, later, that I can't remember,
As they laugh at me, and avoid shaking my hand, shielding their children.
Therefore, I've created a mouth harness for myself
that I would like to share with you. Basically, it's a tube
sock soaked in Ether wadded into your mouth tied
around your face with a shoe lace.
Not only will you not drink at the
party, or say something you might regret. It's guaranteed
to KILL you slowly, painlessly, and colorfully in the process.
Providing much better entertainment for everyone
in general. I highly recommend our knee and elbow pad
kit to protect furniture and pets, and posh sunglasses
if at all possible.
Author notes
Your face reminds me of shit, but with more 'controlable' humor.
Americans should buy more guns and more bullets, because
now they're cheaper THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!
Written June 28th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Hooch, Cooch, and Other Maladies (A Contest) -- now for 400 points! by Martooni.
300 points, ended July 6, 2004, 3 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Why would I block this?
Dude, you crack me up.
You haven't said a single thing that
bothers me? Are you really so ignorant
as to think anything you've said about me is more damaging to my ego than what I say about myself in my poetry
and rants already?
LOL, and three responses? Sweetheart you know obviously very little about the Horus8 'experience' Because that's mild compared to my normal communications with the rest of my hate and fan mail.
You're funny,
but if you think for a minute you're onto something original,
or that I'm spending more time talking to you than any of the other
hundreds of e-mails and other critiques I get from the Christian
Coalition for Uranus, or the Special Olympics Survey For The
Poetic, 700 Club, Bob Denver's Fan's Against Awful Beat-Poets,
Satanists For Digging Up Stalin, Jews for the Senate Commitee, Mexicans for Paprika Fund etc... etc... etc... I hate to be the one to tell you this friend, but
you're merely another notch on a felled tree I drag around for
exercise like a nude Japanese monk. I type fast, I read faster,
and I get paid to do it, ALL DAY. Whether I'm loved or despised. So
once again, I can only thank you, for drawing more attention
to my POLE than it really deserves, lol.
Seriously though, I have a question.
Why would you think anything you have
to say about me would bug me? I'm an artist, and
an actor? We get pies in the face all day long.
Is that supposed to be 'your gimmick?" Are
you a professional when it comes to rubbing people
the wrong way? oh baby, when I was a male prostitute
I would make 300 bucks an hour doing that, a thousand
a night. Now of course I make way more for much less,
but it's always interesting debating with people like you
how trite and pointless it all is in the end. Because
A. You can't convince me of anything, because you don't matter.
B. I get loved, and paid both ways whether hated or praised.
C. I have chocolate bunny ears, and they make me feel better
D. Jesu and I are tight, and are still going fishing regardless
E. Your opinion doesn't matter, because if I don't respect you
you REALLY don't exist in my world, I only listen to my peers
in the REAL literary world, which you're not a part of.
F. I have a spring board and a deep pool in the hills
G. I have a vulva holster for my phone.
H. I am in love with a beautiful lady, and I have
two lovely children that simply adore my art.
I. The Pope and I shower together twice a year.
Edited on Jul 07, 2:48 p.m. because ''. -
well, I've obviously hit a nerve.
Three responses to a single crit? Maybe our wittle Whorus is feewing a wittle unsettled that somwon no wike his cwap?
You can ignore me, but you can't bwock your wittle mindless followers fwom weading this. Pooor wittle wannabee...
Someday I'll take you out back with a woman who'll learn you a lesson or two. In the meantime, try to write better poetry
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How about asswagon or lapsnorkle? Still no good?
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What makes you think I can't take an honest critique?
I'm just wondering how a second class hack like yourself
with absolutely no poetry to show for your "Simon Cowell"
skills (Anyone that uses that limey as a plug handle is either a tit or a potato shaped dildo with a cherry flavored mustache, lol) can talk so much shit while going bald and spooning oatmeal. Tell me oh
masterful critic why and how you ever got the impression that I can't handle your critique? After all you do realize you are critiquing a 'list' that I wrote. Here's an idea, why don't you click on a sestina or a villanelle of mine, and blow some more magical smoke up my ass, about how you think what I think about what you think about my poetry ACTUALLY MATTERS, lol. Why would I care? I've read your poetry, it's hardly poetry, and anyone that calls themselve a 'reality check' (to me, at least) is hardly someone I could take seriously. Because, well... Like I've said, I've read your poetry, I couldn't even leave a comment, lol, it would have been a waste of my time, much like this conversation. Now be a good old man and pop your teeth back in that glass of efferdent on your night stand before you recapitulate yourself back into a hippy, and give me a hug.
Edited on Jul 06, 10:10 p.m. because ''. -
If I had arms I would be clapping... that was just beautiful. Tell me more about how you've been around the block, and all about my diapers. I'm all ears Mickey Rooney.
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If your "book" reads anything like this "poem", I doubt it.
However, if you were a true poet, I would imagine you might be able to come up with a better insult than "asshat". What the hell is that? I hear my youngest step-kid (13 years old) tossing that adolescent nonsense at his friends all the time.
As for who "knows beat" or who's "lived the beat life"... I hate to tell you this kiddo, but I've been around the block about twenty times before you got out of diapers. I've lived the life -- under bridges, behind bars, eating from dumpsters, you name it. But I wasn't some rich little prick "living an adventure" -- I had no fucking choice because those were the only cards life dealt me at the time. But no matter how low I found myself, I always found the words -- which seem to elude you -- and managed to scrawl them down on something or other. Though few of the scrawlings have survived, the memories have -- and that's what you're lacking. Invented fantasies do not qualify as real memories.
"Asshat"? Bah! And this "poem"? An affront to the true beat poets.
And as for you "beating off" Burroughs, I suppose that's just another delusion of grandeur. Are you going to tell us next that your real name is Kerouac or Ferlinghetti -- or maybe you're Carlos? Are you going to tell us you gave ol' Jack a hummer?
In any case, I call'em as I see'em and the piece you submitted to that contest was simply not beat and not poetic (in any way shape or form). If you can't take an honest (if brutal) crit, you have no business in this craft.
Sincerely,
Your Reality Check -
Does this mean you're not going to buy my book of Beat Poetry Papa Smurf?
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And I hope you do realize my poem was written as a direct mockery to people like you that assume they know what beat life or poetry is... Though that can't write for shite. At least you picked Ed's poem as the winner, but then again, I really wasn't trying to win. See, I've already filled up my trophy quota for this year, over 60. I have much more fun these days writing the exact opposite of what contest throwers want that way IF I DO WIN? I CAN REALLY LAUGH! So buy my book, and beat yourself off with that, Asshat. lol
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Really, then why does your poetry suck?
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Like you would know beat poetry, lmao?
You can't even write poetry, let alone read it.
As for beat poetry... I'll have you know I beat
off William Burroughs, twice. -
Never knew that a poor knockoff of David Letterman's "Top Ten" list format could be poetic, but I could be wrong.
Wait... on second read, I see that it still lacks anything that even smells like poetry (good or bad).
I can see that you attempted to do something in that last stanza (if that's what it is), but from what I can see, it's just an attempt to make a rambling and ranting paragraph of prose sound like "crazy poetry" with some random line breaks.
Nothing personal, but this is a piece that makes a mockery of what beat is and stands for. It ain't just getting fucked up at parties and puking in your underwear. If anything, it's the complete opposite -- observing the stupidity of amateurs as you drink their bar dry and go home to drink more and write about (preferably with a willing woman waiting naked and impatient in your flea-ridden bed).
Sorry, but the beat is like the blues -- you gotta live it before you can write it.
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As amusing as this is and you know how impressed I am that you're out there in sunny california rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, this is not beat. I say go back to drinking privately and publically and as for fucking the band, go for it. Oh and don't forget the midgets. They need lovin' too.
Desiree
Edited on Jul 06, 2:50 p.m. because ''. -
Wow... this is classic, or it will be. Who wants to start a pool on when this little list becomes an internet forward inexplicably misattributed to a famous comedian? Immortality with anonymity... that's the miracle of the internet.
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great humor... though none of this has happened to me, I can imagine it, and that's enough. Nice. Good luck in the contest.
Elizabeth -
thats great! U really have a solution to a party drinkers problem right there! Exellent work!
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hahahaha! you're a funny sick bastid eh?
Recognizing is the first step into recovery.. Ether - is #2. Well done you're almost there!
great write...
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And I laughed to beat the band, on a day when a laugh is a welcome relief
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hmm..
never would have thought it from you.
N... -
Shame... Yes, God's lovely little after-shock.
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I do so love it... when you are shamelessly nude.. rofl..
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.. will it go round in circles..
Can I buy you a drink.. ??? No thanks.. but I'll take the cash
LOVE YA !!! -
I know, I'm very ashamed Ed, but alas -- I really am
getting sick of shooting fish in the barrel, and then
cracking bad smacks about cavier. As my friend
Hewy once said "I need a new drug".
I need my opium harvest and some laced hydroponic.
Edited on Jun 29, 2:04 because ''. -
QUITTER
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Yeah, Sticks and I go way back.
All the way down the shaft. -
10. Bumping into people that recognize me, later, that I can't remember,as they laugh at me, and avoid shaking my hand, shielding their children.
Ah yes, what happened to those good old days- I couldn't remember the next day and I still can't remember now. Thank God this didn't come with a do it yourself check list, I feel the numbers would be against me
David
PS I too like Sticks McGhee -
I have a donkey to tail.
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I bet you do.
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this looks like a really fun contest and ive got a story to tell
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