I stand beside a carp filled lake like glass,
A place where fairies oft flit to and fro.
You would not like my job so well, although
I do it for the Upper Middle Class.
My job is to amuse Sir's family,
Look cute, as I stand there , all two foot nine,
Red pointed hat atop my head so fine
and little gnome house built beneath the tree.
This morning when the sun soft lit the sea
My grunts and roars all through the vale arose,
When Sir attacked me with a garden hose.
The rude device was meant to make me pee.
The fairies hid for fear they would be next,
No longer laughing now that Sir seemed vexed.
~~~~~~~~~~~
He had a mind to make me water seeds.
His sprinkler system did not far extend,
So figuring to use me to that end
He plumbed, to let my tinkler do the deeds.
By noon my old wheelbarrow was long gone.
The Koi looked on quite open-mouthed with shock
As water gushed from out my hat and sock
While Sir's expletives just went on and on.
The afternoon was similar 'till three
When Sir struck gold with piece of copper plate
With which he prodded, worked on long past eight,
A drill producing functionality.
All done! Too late for him to see, Alas!,
The "pee" was squirting out my blushing ass!
.
Author notes
Irish.
Written June 28th, 2004
A contest entry
- A Day in the Life of a Yard Gnome by .
400 points, ended July 13, 2004, 20 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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I recall Basil Faulty murmuring to insert a large garden gnome up Sybil's butt toward the end of an episode of Faulty Towers, undoubtedly after he had engaged in some hilarious stupidity. Gnomes are quite often senselessly abused by humans. In this life. You wrote an amazingly creative poem here that I enjoyed reading. Thank you & take care,
Rage -
What a creative mind to sonnet-tize this little gnome with a hillarious write. It was pure natural genious applying the lines and rhyme within this write. Enjoyed it, though I have no gnome to call my own, nor little pool of guppys. But if every I find the wandering little sprite I shall not poke nor prod him like sir did in this write.....lol. Thanx for sharing and take care.
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The decorative Gnome..i wonder Ginger, would the same rule apply to the Elvis bust i have out in my front lawn
Lots of giggles throughout with this one...thanks! Enjoyed!
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Gnomes!! I've fallen in love with them! lol neways nice poem i like it a lot i think u r really good at these types of writings/poems
keep it up
keep writing
-->thereisnome<-- -
This was so hilarious. I almost died laughing. I like the dialect too, it gives it extra 'oomph' for lack of a better word.
Edited on Jul 10, 3:15 p.m. because ''. -
Wow.....wow. Oh my gosh. This was freakin hilarious. This is full of fun. gnomes are so funny. this was so comical. GOod luck in this contest.
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very clever!!!! Good luck with it..... it's got to draw some attention....that's for sure.
Don -
Amazing piece G&H ! You had me cracking up the whole way through. An imaginative poem with lots of interesting imagery and a barrel full of laughter. Great job!
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Funny
Just funny. Very well done, very well indeed. -
Dry. And Irish.
Very entertaining, amusing, and clever. Keep it up! -
Ah!! It's a gnome!! Run!! *Hides* Great poem, but I'm afraid of the gnomes!!
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Well done.
Ah, this was indeed a wonderful and very amusing piece to read. A great story within a great poem. Nicely done. -
This is really hillarious, so funny, I haven't laughed so hard in a while, a really fun piece to do I should think. I love the rhyme and everything about it, a delightfully funny piece
take care
sanity -
Hilarius
Inventive, amusing, and well written.
Now that was a poem. -
I can see you had fun with this mischievous piece. Gnomes do look like little pranksters, dont they. Thanks for your comment on my entry, yours makes my gnome look somewhat depressive but thats how it came about.
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oh boy. this is Irish and funny as hell. you wrote it so very well... you tell a lovely tale. hehe.
great piece!
~ O -
This seriously made me laugh! I loved it! I hope you win and I wish I could say more than this!
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Funny poem, but i'm sure you've heard that. Maybe a few things can help make this better though. When you say "The coy looked on quite open-mouthed with shock." If you mean the fish, I think it is spelled koi. It is Japanese.
I generally liked your iambic pentameter, but there were a few places where it was hard to follow the flow. 'Expletives' is a hard word to make work in that situation. It seemed like the poems last few stanzas ended on a down note, like you almost gave up. I think that 'struck gold with piece of copper plate' isn't natural.
'Which he bent'; which is a stressed word, and it may sound better 'with which'. And finally the excessive use of exclamation points detracted from the punchline instead of adding to it, at least for me. I was noticing them and missing the joke. Let the poem be funny for itself. You've got a lot going for you here, and I thought this was very enjoyable. I hope it becomes something you are really proud of, and good luck in the contest.
Peace,
Lo
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this is so funny, light and wonderful. very well written, and it is everything we want. good luck sweetheart.
xx me -
Poems about Gnomes, who'd a thought. Well, this was quite amusing... I could picture the whole scene. Poor lawn gnome. I would only change "too and fro" to "to and fro"
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Very humorous indeed. Thanks for the laugh. Form, rhyme and content all fit together well. Thanks again for sharing this with me.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
Great Job! Interesting story, very humorous. Good luck in the contest!
~*~*Rin*~*~ -
Fun
Hi Gingerandhoney:
What a humorous and creative write. Your descriptions in this poem are very clever and I couldn't help but chuckle and then laugh at the comical expression you treated us with. Thank you for this fun write. Bill -
I like how it was simple and i really love the background, you have a beauty with the way you write and it's simple and great i just love the word gnome...it's a fun one if gnomes ruled the world I could say gnome more....lemon.
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o my gosh this is hilarious!i loved it very creative and awesome good luck and good job!
D2
Edited on Jun 28, 9:26 p.m. because ''. -
I just saw the contest for this, and I really think I'm going to enter. I have a feeling though that it's going to be harder than it seems. I thought this piece was fantastic. What an awsome thing, for a change, to put your imagination to work and place it in the form of a yard gnome. Awsome Write
-Abby Eyeball- -
Oh dear, call the gnome proctologist. Or is that the doctor you need in this case? Good little story.
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Hi
Loved it, very clever. Good luck. Three cheers for gnomes.....and poems.
Joanie -
Very funny, HaHaHa!!! water coming out your "ass". Very good penmanship and imagery. Saddie23
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brilliant and clever
this is really, really funny and clever......i really enjoyed reading this one.......i don't think i could have done this one if i tried......nice work.......brilliant....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~Stephanie~~~~~~~~~~
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hehehe at comments - a bunch of who lol
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hehehe this is so good. quick think of something witty to say - eh! what witty. walter who. poor little gnome. i might buy some for christmas time. eek christmas where am i going lol it is june ok i had a sip of shandy
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Oh I like this! Its very fun, I really enjoyed it and the form is awesome. I love good form poetry, I’ve attempted it myself in the past so I know how difficult it can be but you have done it beautifully. Nice work!
an.d
Edited on Jul 16, 10:30 p.m. because ''. -
hehehheaaaa,
great delight
thanks for the belly chuckle
I needed!!!!
******ten stars for you -
excellent
you have a great poem here i wish you luck in the contest and your write was really funny made me laugh.
excellent work! -
Terrifically humorous, well structured, worded and rhymed.An impressive work to say the least.Thanks tor the pleasure.Goood luck in the contest.Bill
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This is almost an Irish drinking song. I can just imagine a bunch o'drunks (like me) holding up their glasses and singing at the top o'their lungs, "The "pee" was squirting out my blushing ass!!!" A very fun and fine read!
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I LIKE it!...swan
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AWESOME!!!
That was HILARIOUS!!Awesome awesome job!! Good luck!
Hannah -
lololol poor gnome what a life he leads
his master it seems has no class
and has him sqirting water beads
out of his poor aching a-- -
you have made me laugh. of late it is far and few between. this is just plain adorable!! i love the irish quality and the spicy humor. i have never seen a 'double sonnet' before but i love it.
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Way funny!
This is so silly, I smiled all the way through. I like the reference to Sir, it is suitably servile.
Well done with the rhyming, and some solid lines of iambic pentameter!
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LMAO great stuff as usual. This is precisely the style of bawdy humor that makes listening to Jethro Tull such a pleasure---ya might wanna check them out if you don't know them. I loved it.
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i won't pretend to understand all of this,(alas, i'm not irish!) but what i got was funny. wouldn't it be great if gnomes and such were real? i had a friend who carried one around with him...
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that was good
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na
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