Awakened comfort
sweet surrender to
loves entanglement
Author notes
Written June 27th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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great background to go with a good poem.lol.it has me giggleing.lol.odly those feet look the same.lol.like an image overlay or something.
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haha, that's too funny. you are probably right.
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Ah, sweet, sweet bliss. Just gotta love it. Maybe not technically a haiku (it's not exactly about nature unless you want to count sex a part of nature
.) But who cares? It's some great stuff. Nice job.
~CT -
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modern haikus don't have to be about nature
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love's entanglement eh, can't be bad, all i seem to wake up to are pillows on the floor and the ashtray turned upside down lol
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Like shiki said it's in the rhythm of the language and perspectieve of the poet. The demanding words of the moment. (Did he say that?? Ok, no matter!) Well, done and hasitate to use some on haiku class if they fullfill in the need.
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I think this is one of the more interesting haikus that I have seen from a poet on this site, relying more on an emotional level and not just on the settting of words. It is striking and vibrant.
much love,
James
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Thank you Nam!!
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I like the enjambment of the second line to the third. The first line doesn't really hold it, it has a pause to it.
A good piece that you have written here.
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I'll be honest: I've never been a big fan of haiku, and never quite understand its purpose in existing. However, if one feels they're good at writing seventeen syllables worth of words, then by all means, go for it. I find it quite bold of you to enter it, and I commend you with brownie points for that. Good luck.
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This is really cool! I love haiku's but I really don't know how to write them, but I still think they're awesome! Good job. I'm off to read some more of your stuff.
Kayla -
makes me miss my girlfriend! arrgh! one more month!
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Oh, this is really beautiful. Lovely job. thank you for commenting on "To Hate Who You Love"...take care, mary/nevaeh
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I think I have read this before but I dont remember commenting on it, it's a nice haiku but I still think my favorite of yours is the one about your daughter
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Technically not a haiku..... but who is counting. There can be nothing finer than that moment of 'sweet surrender'. You captured that moment sweetly and succintly.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
This was an awesome way of expressing a morning waking up in the embrace of your loved one. I can just picture it. I really really like this. I noticed how you wrote in with the title: modern haiku, I like how you say that. That's a good way to put the new haiku's that don't necessarialy fit the 5, 7, 5 syllable, traditional haiku's. If you could, I'd like it if you could explain to me (as I'm still new to learning of the modern haiku) of how you can just start writing without that structure of the 5, 7, 5 rule? Is there a certain limit with the modern haiku? Do you just go with any syllable with each line that you want, or is there a certain guideline even for modern haiku's as well? Please teach me more...
I went to this site referred to by someone who wrote a modern haiku, and all it does is tell you the different tecniques you can use to write a haiku, but it doesn't explain how it came to be possible how a person could just start up a haiku not based on the 5, 7, 5 rule, you know? All I want is some clear understanding of how it came together, and someone is able to make a modern haiku right as the traditional haiku... If you could, please explain it to me And honestly, I really did love this write
-Abby Eyeball-
P.S. Here is that link to that web site on haiku's:
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm
And like I said, it doesn't give any explanation on how you can just come off writing a haiku, it just gives tecniques on how to write some- like inspiration if you've lost it. I need a clear explanation!!!!!!!!!!! lol... -
lo. i LOVED your comment. It made me laugh. And I almost missed it too!
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How I would love to wake up like this, but I wake up with not so good an attitude.I was great to read a different perspective. Also I'm a bit jealous
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excellent!!!
that's nice,definitely bliss to me,lol i saw nothing wrong with this,it was a very good haiku,i enjoyed it!! keep up the good work!! nbf=night blooming flower
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O that sweet surrender
That fascinates life
Into breathing deeply
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This is a really cool poem- I liked it a lot. I'm becoming more interested in haiku every time I read one Thanks for commenting on my poem 'The Mosquito and the Donkey'- it's intended to be read on a metaphorical level but it's cool if you didn't, whatever you got from it. Back to your poem- cool work- well done
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shove it up your tukkos. lol. JK Thanks for sharing your opinion
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Let's see... I'm going to give you my 'brutally honest' opinion. It's a great haiku, here it comes, but I think there are too many syllables and it would sound stronger if you changed awakened to the present tense 'awake' and dropped the word 'to' from the second line. I too am not an expert at Haiku but I know that every word should be used to its fullest extent and the 'fluff' be disregarded. A ku is like a snapshot of a moment in time, captured by words.
Anyway there it is. Take it or leave it or tell me to shove it up my tukkus. LOL...Kidding.
You have excellent potential here; but I'm sure you're aware of that. Keep the ku's coming. I'll have to study up on them more, myself.
Excellent scene.
~Bezoar -
are there multiple variations to Haiku styles?
because i always thought it was supposed to follow a 5-7-5 syllable pattern
but i have yet to read one like that on this site
i usually cant stand reading haiku's anyways because i feel they can never contain enough emotion to be considered poetry
with that said, i decided to read this particular poem, knowing full well that it would be a haiku, and i wanted to see just how talented a writer you were (after reading "surrendering fear" i could tell you were a good writer)
i am very impressed by this poem
it isn't really emotion that it contains, but rather a feeling or mood
i really liked it
perhaps the one haiku i will ever enjoy
thanks for sharing
-Scott Baltz
ps. sorry, it's late and i ramble when i'm tired -
good good!! I like very much
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Not bad.
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this sounds like th eperfect way to wake up, then she rolls over and opens her mouth to speak, and suddenly i have to pee! and she can't smell her own breath and wonders why in the world did imake such a fast getaway LOL
this is rally good -
very nicely penned..enjoyed the read! goodluck in the contest...
~*~Blu~*~ -
Your comment made me laugh.
It just doesn't stope, hehe. Don't worry i am very glad you made your comment, and that you lked my poem. If you want more information/education just read the above comments...but don't let it confuse you,lol.
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i like your haiku but unless i read it wrong isnt it supposed to go 5 -7 -5 for the syllables in the lines? if im istaken, forget everything i said and keep the great job
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Excellent
Hi Duana,
This is simply a wonderful Haiku. The words just seem to flow off my screen, and the softness in your words is refreshing. I loved this 'ku! Thank you for sharing this with me, and thank you for your lovely comment on my write 'As Night Falls' I appreciate it
--Johnny -
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wow, I just saw your picture. You look NOTHING like I imagined, lol!
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this IS a haiku, and an awesome one at that, it's MODERN haiku so it doesn't have to follow the usual rules and be about nature, poetry is supposed to be unique and ever changing!! good job, Duana, on a great modern haiku and starting quite the discussion... and you are right.
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Yes, Mystic, that is just the point! Because Japanese sound syllables (onji) are shorter than English, it was concluded that an English haiku would be closer to the breath length rquired if it were 12 syllables.
Note the message as well as the syll count in the Shiki example.
~ G
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I am not an expert, but this is haiku. Read the comment section, and do your own research people. Modern haiku does not have to be about nature or have the 5-7-5 syllable count.
Mysty, you missed the point. The point of Maatkaras quotes is that there is not just one school of thought regarding the haiku...just like any other field... -
Perhaps that was originaly written in Japanese, which would indeed change the number of sylables when translated. Of cource I could be wrong, but you have to take things like that into acount.
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Awakened comfort
sweet surrender to
loves entanglement
Geez some of these little kiddies do one class and they come here as 'experts',
Personally I like it, it gives a sense of bieng, of companionship, and yet, if alone, you could easily be gazing at the Sun coming through the curtains, the love expressed is for life.
PS don't listen to the children
Jules -
This was a great little Haiku. There has always been so much fuss about this and that, what a Haiku is and isn't. One person says this, one that, some don't like it, others adore it. It has to be the most problematic form to use based on public reaction. I do think it's a wonderful form though, and you did a great job. Good luck in the contest.
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Hi Mystic ~ Perhaps this will help put things in perspective...
On how to sing
the frog school and the skylark school
are arguing
Masaoka Shiki
(1867-1902)
~ Ma'atkara
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Hey Duana! Brought out the big gun, eh?!
~ G
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Nice little haiku, gives the reader the feel of anticipation... waking up next to someone you love is a wonderful feeling and you captured that in this short simple poem.
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No no, I didn't misread the assignemnt- there are just fundies out there in every field,lol.
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perhaps he ment varried syllable lenghts in the words you used. but I dunno, I suppose I'll look him up. I've got nothing better to do
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Im 'You know i thhink its the same as between fundy Christians, and liberals. It all depends on which road you want to travel down. Some will say the 5-7-5 is neccessary, some will say it really doesn't make sense in the English language- cause even if it is used it simply doesn't capture the japanese meaning or intent. So...' sent successfully to
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Oh sorry, urban is the same as a modern haiku, and I didn't really look at that page(wasn't reccommending it, lol). But yeah i am taking a class from the haiku garu on here, and his assignment was to write a modern haiku using varied syllables. If I were you I would check out his stuff on here- you will see that it is true. But anyway, yeah his name is haikumonk. So have fun.
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now then, if you would please look at this webpage about haikus which actually references 'modern haikus'
http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/
you will see that they ARE supposed to have the 5-7-5 format. here, I'll just copy that portion.
Modern Haiku.
The history of the modern haiku dates from Masaoka Shiki's reform, begun in 1892, which established haiku as a new independent poetic form. Shiki's reform did not change two traditional elements of haiku: the division of 17 syllables into three groups of 5, 7, and 5 syllables and the inclusion of a seasonal theme.
Kawahigashi Hekigoto carried Shiki's reform further with two proposals:
1. Haiku would be truer to reality if there were no center of interest in it.
2. The importance of the poet's first impression, just as it was, of subjects taken
from daily life, and of local colour to create freshness.
Have a nice day!
Edited on Jun 30, 2:34 because ''. -
heheh, you may notice on that webpage, all those poems appear to have the 5-7-5 format. and they aren't calling those 'modern haikus' they're calling them 'urban haikus'. and I didn't say that you were incorrectly doing a 'modern haiku', I was saying that it wasn't a haiku. and if you look at where it says "what is urban haiku", it says right at the start that they are 5-7-5. Congradulations for contradicting yourself soo very much.
I apollogise, I'm very very tired and irritable, so thusly very oppinionated. -
Hi, Mystic Lindele, here is a link to some modern haiku. But there are some good ones on here at this site on Haikumonks page- he's the expert- I'm just a humble learning- just discovered them myself the day before I wrote this one! Anyway, here is the link:www.home.earthlink.net/~gosha01/UrbanHaiku/UrbanHaiku.html
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I am sorry to inform you, but modern haikus do not require the 5-7-5- in fact they WANT you to change it. Maybe you should read up on Modern Haikus. Sincerely, Duana
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I do love haikus, but really I've always thought that the '5 7 5' sylable thing was a bit of a must... I mean, if you're gonna change the form, change the name. Just putting 'modern' in front of it dousn't really count, in my oppinion. No offense, it's a great... 3 lined poem. but it's not a haiku.
have a nice day!
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hm....a series of ahikus, now that's a thought...
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This... just didn't do it for me.
I mean, it just left me full of questions and some very lovely imagry...
I mean, it's simple- and that is what a haiku is all about, saying complex things in simple phrases... but it just... wasn't enough.
Probably the effect you were going for though, leave the reader questioning. I don't know... maybe if you had a series of haikus to this poem... each telling a bit more. as is... I just don't get it (though it is incrediby pretty.)
-Chelsea -
That's lovely. It's so sweet, yet so succinct, and could be taken in a thousand different directions. I'm not that great of a fan of haiku, but I love all these new forms people are spinning off on this old traditional Japanese form. This piece seems slightly erotic, and I found that to be wonderfully interwoven. True love is indeed bliss.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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I enjoyed reading this, but it isn't quite a haiku is it? I am not real up on them, but it seems like it isn't somehow. Anyway, whether it is or not, I still enojoyed reading it.
Damon D. Brewer -
Alright you commented on my stuff and now i'm coming and doin it to yours. This was sooo gorgeous simplicty is your deadliest weapon. You are so talented and i love it, this poem is very you and very beautiful, i've loved getting to know you through your ims and this poem is just even better. Anyways i hope you go and see the movie soon so we can talk again and just never give up on your poetry your phenominal....lemon.
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I LOVE haiku!! So much said with so few words... Arguably, there are several ways you could have worded it - but then, that's the great thing about haiku! Nice piece, and I hope to see more of it!!
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This is a wonderful piece you have here. I think it is gorgeous.
Keep up the great work. You have a bless day and may God bless you too. I thank you for sharing. Until next time, take care. Peace and love................................................... -
I like those whole modern haiku thing, I didn't really even know there was one until now. And haiku's say a lot with little syllables, I like that too. I really like this...I wonder if I can say I like it one more time? lol good luck!
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Well, with deference to haikumonk, here's my 'contribution'
Awakened comfort
to love's entanglement
sweet surrender
~ G
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Awesome!
this is absolutely beautiful. I'm getting to where I really love haikus. Its a challenge to be able to say so much in so few words. -
Your class was the first I heard of contemporary haiku, and they do seem more difficult..they seem to be without the nice boundaries you have in the traditional. Thanks for commenting on my work. I look forward to learning!!
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hm, yes you are right. I knew that about haiku, but didn't think it through. Now is it plagerism if I take your advice and change it(?),lol
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Hi there. Modern haiku is not about nature. You are talking about traditional haiku!
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love is certainly and entanglement on many levels ;-) yes indeed. good haiku poem.
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well..... contemporary subject.... many folks in Japan write this way and we'll be studying it in my class. It how you set it up that really counts. In this case... I wonder, if you left the result for the last line and did the prep work with the first two, would it work better?
sweet surrender
to love's entanglement
awakened comfort
But also... it needs to make complete sense to the reader and be a poem beyond..."so what" etc. Contemporary haiku are difficult... maybe more so than the ones of nature and tradition.
Nice work.....
Don -
I like it, but, I hate to but it. I was told not to put emotions into haiku, they are to be about nature. But I have several that I keep that aren't about nature. It is beautiful. In my eyes, it is well done.
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