Still, things come from you
To me, opportunities to vote,
or maybe add my name to the
"Wall of Tolerance" (The ability) in
between Sandy Cheeks & Robert Black -
- Water. Things on self publishing,
and workshops upon mountain tops.
Postcards, and your tiny smile.
Straight dark-hair, pale-skin, Sagittarius,
and all the patience in the world.
But I am of many shoes; a pair at a time
A man of rhyme, and mesa. Nomadic,
drunk on celebration, and observance
Completely alone in a stadium of cheers
Acknowledgments, and one night stands
Hotel soap, and contraband. An old white
van with a license plate to everywhere,
but where I want to be.
And every once in awhile
When I'm down on style.
And staring at my pile
Of letters in denial
I recognize your ink,
and think that it's lovely
how you remember me
and how I used to be
Even when by all honest(y)
accounts, you don't have to,
but you do, forward my mail,
Michelle...
And as the dark star rolls over me,
(rolling off of things) I'd rather not say
I know you know that in this life
you'll always have the memories -
- to replay.
Author notes
#5
Written June 25th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Loves past by faggityann.
300 points, ended December 4, 2005, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - haven't seen yah in a while. ~relate~ by u took my user name.
450 points, ended December 9, 2006, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i see why you already got a gold trophy in this one.
a very smart write. great word choice and VERY unique.
"I know you know that in this life
you'll always have the memories -
- to replay. " Wonderful. I really enjoyed this poem.
Thank you for entering.
Best wishes,
AlbaSoul -
at the beginning, i was a little critical, but as your poem continued, i was drawn to its honesty and originality. i've been a fan of your work for a while, and though i feel you've done better, this is excellent nonetheless. thanks for entering, and best luck.
julie -
Great job with this piece. Really enjoyed. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
-
I really like this one it's really well put together and i like your line breaks it makes it interesting. the first stanza i had to read twice to fulling get but otherwise i really liked it. good luck in the contest
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LOL fwding mail... don't you wish the service came with spam filters? Must mention that to the post office next time I drop in. ha ha anyways this was a very well written poem, so descriptive, such an array of emotions expressed, sentiment and apathy both expressed nicely.
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this made me wonder.. what situations in life spawned this write.. you know i sence some age in you.. some experience in life.. your words are mature, and have been around for a while.. i havnt read your author page.. but i would be very suprised if you were under 20...
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The vague unspecific comment would be that this is wonderful writing. The really specific is I love the metaphor "Hotel soap, and contraband" which obviously refers to the horrendous warts on your penis and how you cleverly incorporated rogering the dog with "And every once in awhile when I'm down on style." The woven pattern of bizarre and hetic love making with "workshops upon mountain tops"
Jokes to one side, anyone who writes "Completely alone in a stadium of cheers" will always be applauded in this cavernous dome
David
I just love how you bite the heads of the wee folk who try
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nicely written.
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A great piece. Your skill is amazing, but you already know that. I liked the idea behind the poem, very interesting and unusual. The end struck me as a little different than the rest. For most of the poem, it was the guy kind of being reminiscent about the girl, but at the end, he is saying that she will just get to replay her memories of him. A bit of a shift. But good. And enough of my rambling.
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let me see now...what have i learned in my months (year?) on ap...
good flow (of what?)
keep writing (isn't that's why we are here)
keep penning (typing?)
keep the ink flowing (what ink?)
thank you for sharing (you are welcome, now give it back)
am especially impressed by those who combine all of the above, and throw in flowers, smiley faces and the like.
i read your words, saw them in my brain almost as a dream. yes, could see the man in his seedy motel room, sorting through his mail, seeing her handwriting and smiling...probably the only smile of the day.
keep penning horus (sorry, i couldn't resist) see you at the board.
~lix -
horus8~
Hey! This is a really good poem. It is nicely written and it had a good flow to it as well. Keep writing and thank you for sharing this poem with all of us here.
~!~Manda~!~ -
What amazes me is simply how people like you
can be so completely unspecific and lazy when it comes to critiquing? poetry -- here's a clue;
simply cut and copy what area of the poem you think
is not up to par, and paste it in quotes next to your improvements and or corrections. otherwise your comment is viewed as nothing more than pointless fodder, does that make sense, probably not, though it takes about as much time to look up how to paste plebian green aliens, I'm sure. -
Ah, you didn't offend me? "Thanks, come again!"
Is my equivalent of "keep on writing, thanks for sharing"
See, can't you tell by my plaid skirt and tube socks, I'm
especially sensitive... please, spare me. If I was troubled
or concerned with your opinion, I'd let you know, honestly.
but I don't see that happening, it's not you or anything
I'm sure you can be absolutely boring and trite as hell when
you want to be, but see today the Lithium and Heroin obelisk I'm
squatting upon, has me preoccupied.
Edited on Jun 25, 3:29 p.m. because ''. -
What's to get? It's self explanatory.
It's about two lovers moving away from one another,
and going into different positions in life, and communicating
simply throw the notion of forwarded mail? the man is obviously
some sort of performer and the woman is stable and has the
abilitty to forward mail that they at one time shared together,
but obviously they no longer talk.
It's not rocket science. -
Mail and Michelle rhyme. thanks, come again!
-
excellent
really enjoyed reading your write and i swear all of ssags are the same way love this part -
Sagittarius,
and all the patience in the world.
we sgas have pantients that others die for lol great write ! -
gee, i just don't know. a very busy piece. i'd have to say that these were my favorite lines:
Acknowledgments and one night stands
hotel soap and contraband. An old white
van with a license plate to everywhere,
but where I want to be.
I found that bit to be particularly lyrical and moving in an understated way. however, i will say that the last stanza just didn't run with the first two. i think it's because, for me, the "flow" wasn't as fluid. maybe it's a stylistic preference thing, but the end of line rhyming kind of comes across as harsh and i don't think that gives the overall tone its justice.
good luck with the contest.
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