To you my love so much to say
yet I am aghast at where to start
my head is ever so swiftly spinning
and my words lost, choked in my heart
I awoke feeling so blessed today
my thoughts brimming on our imminent baby boy
my emotions romantically and deeply swimming
and then my doctor visit erased all that joy
No, no my love the baby is fine
yet there is indeed an awful situation
the situation it seems is just with me
and it appears I may again need an operation
Upon examining me a growth they did find
though it looks innocent we all know my history
sadly it seems sickness won't just let me be
and so it appears my love, cancer is again high possibility
No, no sweetie please don't cry
we both need to be confident and strong
you know I love you and will not ever go without a fight
and besides it could be nothing and we are worrying wrong
Now my darling wipe those tears from each eye
let's look to our future with faith, hope and love
we must both remember of our love to never lose sight
and take each day we have together as a gift from above
(c)2004
~Nikki~
Author notes
Yes, this is a true tale in poem form that just happened today. It seems when I went for hopefully my last prenatal visit; Thursday is my due date, they found a funny looking growth once again. I've already had cervical cancer in the form of Carcinoma Insitu twice which my new husband; we were married April 20th 2004, knew about and now it seems maybe I have it again and now he will not only know about it but at my side perhaps have to deal with it! Of course there is the possibility it could be nothing but I wanted to prepare him for the worst! I have told him I want NO TEARS for after battling this now twice I am prepared for the worst! Geez I will admit this has been the hardest day of my life!!!!
Written June 21st, 2004
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My prayers are with you and your family. Jesus takes care of those who love him. I hope you d
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dang...
sorry hun, didn't see this until just now. so what are the docs saying? life sure is strange...a brand new bambino, and then this. have a strong hunch you're going to beat this challenge...you just seem like a challenge busting kind of woman! oh, by the way, a friend's mom had the same kind of cancer...that was well over 20 years ago, and she has a whole football team of grandkids and is doing great. so, while i do hope for your (and your family's sake) that it is not cancer again, if it is, you will overcome it!
lots of love,
~liz -
I am sitting here now with tears rolling down my cheeks as I am putting two and two together .....first that comment on my poem to which I replied , and now I read this and a light went on. I remember an im about a baby being born and in my head I was putting together a poem . I then went back to my ims's which AP deletes rather fast as of late , and it was gone . I could not remember how to spell your sn , that is what I wanted to see.....Nikki , I am so sorry for it all .......but now you know that you really have to fight , forget that passive thingey ...you are needed ,
much love,
Reenie
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I'm glad to hear that nikki! good luck and hope to hear something from you soon
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Thanks angelicfraud for all your kind lovely words, thoughts, prayers and offer for a listening set of ears! As I have said to the others above I do NOT plan on giving in or giving up! I am a persistant little bugger with lots of fight and wind still in me and after having been through this already twice I am prepared for the better or worst. It does not make it any easier as I now have a husband, child and another perhaps REALLY today on the way BUT I will not not NOT ever give up!!!! I have plenty of faith and willpower and besides now that I have found this lovely site and met some really wonderful people here I just have to stick around!
Love, Peace and Hugs
~Nikki~ -
Thanks Jessa your prayers, blessings and such do mean so very much and after baby boy is born good news or bad don't think for one minute I plan on giving up! I am a persistant little bugger to say the least and fighter to the end bitter or sweet! Besides I've been through it twice and I am still here so I've plenty of faith and will power and will NOT give in to fear!
Love, Peace and Hugs
~Nikki~ -
Awww thanks Mina! I am strong in my faith and will to survive and ironically I am a very persistant little bugger! I have much to live for yet and even though my chances look not so good due to my past medical history as I have told billy in a post above I will not give in, give up and let fear be my mind and self killer! Thanks for your prayers they really do mean so much to I and my family!
Love, Peace and Hugs
~Nikki~ -
Thanks for your support, prayers and blessings here Pea! They mean so much as I am sharing them with my husband for he needs it all the most. I am doing ok as I have always been prepared for the better or the worst since my first diagnosis of cervical cancer at age 18! I'll admit I am scared but not for me, I worry about all of my family BUT I as I have said to Billy above I will NOT let fear be my mind and self killer!
Love, Peace and Hugs
~Nikki~ -
Oooh billy I do not know that I am courageous persay because quite frankly I really am scared to death BUT I have dealt with this twice before and I am a fighter and or a persistent bugger to say the least! I also know that if I show my fear, allow it to be seen and felt and let it consume me it will only worsen emotions and etc for my husband and the rest of my family and in all truth me as well! Fear is indeed the mind killer and once you lose your mind you've lost yourself and I am not willing to give up losing myself...not yet!
Posting this piece was VERY difficult as I really do not know well to many people here and am not one for sharing such things with total strangers, but then I got to thinking that perhaps and perchance maybe there is someone else out there or even here who will come across this and be going through a similar situation. And, if my words in poem form of this personal experience can reach out, touch them and maybe perhaps motivate them then I am doing something to help myself because I am helping out another as well. I know it sounds odd and you and any others who read this post may not understand but sometimes to take your worst situation and turn it into something good that possibly helps another or others is for the heart and mind comforting and a form of therapy, as well as a soothing reassurance to yourself that no matter what good or bad all will be fine!
Thank you for your words of support, strength and comfort. I shall be sharing yours and everyone else's with my husband tonight, because even though he is not saying it he is a wreck with this news...I can see it!
Love, Peace and Hugs
~Nikki~ -
ah nikki- i see so much strength here...how you're "laying down the law" so to speak and being strong for your husband for your unborn child...that's very comforting and it's a very strong emotion and you did a great job at writing that in but i was just personally curious, even though you've been through this, how are you feeling? i mean repetition does tend to lessen the affect of pain but pain is still pain ya know and we are never ever completely immune to it, and i just want to give you blessings and joy and i hope everything works out in your favor!
i've never dealt with this so i can't sympathize but i can most definitely empathize with you and if you need empathy i'm here...thank you for everything you've done for me-for all your kind words and encouraging notes, you're such a wonderful person and i only wish that i can recapture and give back to you a fraction of the kindness and hope you've shared with me... @ny0ni+@
Edited on Jun 22, 8:49 because 'misspell'. -
oh nikki! loads of big big hugs to you! keep the faith, like you said it could be nothing but like you, i also always fear the worst so if it's bad, i'm already prepared. i'm not a doctor but if it wasn't there at your last visit, maybe it's nothing too bad....your whole family will be in my prayers nikki and i'm sure things will be ok!
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Nikki, I couldn't hold my emotions... don't worry you'll be alright.. have faith in God... we'll all pray for you...
mina -
Powerful
Nikki, you are very courageous, and you have expressed yourself very well. You have time to enjoy what you have and to take each day as it comes. No tears is such a hard thing to do when you have losses. Blessings and strength to you!
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face on...
as i would expect you to face something as devistating as this... head on. you are a courageous woman with a verve second to none... i love your poetry and the words of encouragement you have always given me... i will not wish you luck i don't believe in it. get well that's the only acceptible answer. the poem is beautiful and also courageous which is what i've come to admire about you. my prayers and thoughts will be with you and your baby... and the very lucky man who calls himself your husband.
billy -
Thanks surfergirl all blessings, prayers and such are welcome and needed! I will admit not really for me as this is...or will be my third time facing cancer if that is what it is but as for my husband he needs them and so will my children! I am so worried about them the most, especially my husband though for he bottles his emotions up!
~Nikki~ -
Beautifully written!
Blessings and prayers to you!
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