The sky, with eyebrows lifted, softly sighed
It's little puffs of mist above my head.
To chide me for the nonsense that I cried,
The sky, with eyebrows lifted, softly sighed.
My shame in wisdom that I'd cast aside
Made sunset's echo blush a crimson red.
The sky, with eyebrows lifted, softly sighed
It's little puffs of mist above my head.
.
Author notes
I wrote a melancholy child-like poem for this piece because of the imagery in the line I was given, which was:-
The sky, with eyebrows lifted, softly sighed...........
It reminded me of childhood and communing with nature in times when I was sad, and the wisdom and comfort I had found in just being there, at peace with the wonder of the elements.
The form used was ABaAabAB
Written June 20th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Phrase Form CHALLENGE!! 999 points! by satuRn.
999 points, ended July 12, 2004, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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You did a really great job on this poem. I liked your use of the phrase.
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Pretty, very well-written. My favorite line would have to be the 6th line the whole sunset blushing was just very creative and so beautiful to imagine. Everything line in the poem was simple(as in no hard words) and original in the way it was worded. Wonderfully done!
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Excellent
A very lovely Triolet...with a few unusual and creative lines that really captured my eye. I love the thought of the sky raising its eyebrows and softly sighing. Very original piece and very well-written. Thanks for your comments on "Defenders of Dreams And Light." -
the sky lifts is eyebrows, now there is a though i would have never come up with. that is a very wonderful poem i love it
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This piece here is just gorgeous. I love it. I think you did not just a job but an amazing one. Keep up the great job. I thank you so much for sharing such wonderful piece. You had me reading it over and over again. This is indeed one great write. I think that most people will indeed enjoy this piece as much as I do. It is well written and it flows very well. Keep it up and you might just win an oscar. You have a bless day and may God continue to give you the talent to write great poems. Once more, I thank you very much for sharing, and it was a pleasure to read........... Oh well, take care. You do know this poem is extremely gorgeous. I mean it is truly gorgeous.
Edited on Jun 21, 6:44 p.m. because ''. -
Hey that is creative...you have a challenging phrase to use there. You worked with it very well. Very interesting. I flow is really nice.
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this is really good, i'd love to see a whole series of these triolets together, i think they would work so wonderfully. nice poem this from the words given
good luck with the contest hehehe runs over and kicks your poem in the shin, i'll bet it crys now
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Pretty
It had a nice rhythm and you brought it out very nicely. Also, the rhyme scheme was there and it just went so well with the idea of the poem. Really, you did an excellent job. Keep writing. -
this is a truly lovely triolet. a form i have not attempted but do appreciate reading when done well like this one. very light and sweetly penned. you have this form mastered.
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I just love this poem and I can't even say why. It's just so dense and pleasing, everything so proportionate.
and the poem as a whole becomes like a tune like a music box, no more than the successive vibration of small keys as you turn the handle round and round. -
I've never saw this form. but I do wish to learn it. You used lots of imagery for so few words. Very good write to me. God bless you
Rose
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huge knockers aside, i think you did a lovely job with your phrase. these forms can be tricky business but your meter is consistent and, well, you seem to be a pro. very nice write, and good luck.
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Indeed a beautiful Triolet.Excellent word pictures you have created.I never get tired of watching those little puffs of mist ever changing shape.Sculpture in the sky.Good ludk in the contest.
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I'm glad you liked it YesYouCan. We appear to have a love of nature in common. Thank you for your kind comments.
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I would agree with your conclusion Yemassee, guilt at his own self interest in comparison to all the "real" problems in the world. Within nature and with time to think, they come to that piece of wisdom, even children.
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EXCELLENT
This is a darling little poem with vivid imagery that took me back to days I love with "little puffs of mist". Like you I have found peace in the elements that seem to hug away the sadness inviting me to be at one with "little puffs of mist". EXCELLENT
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Well you mention eyebrows three times, and if you take a freudian approach this means big knockers, lmao. Okay, on a serious note, why is nature chiding this person? That is a rhetorical question because it is for the reader to decide. What has he erred at? Interesting that you give nature these human qualities. I look at it as guilt. The speaker equates natures look as lecturing, because he is filled with guilt.
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Good job, I liked it. I read the contest info, that made the poem make more sense. I liked the repaeting pattern, it reminds me of my poem called 'The End', it has two repeating lines per stanza. Sometimes it fun to write poems like that. Good work! -Brett
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this is absolutely a wonderful little piece..I see a trophy in your future ..your imagery was great ...freda
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Ok, couldn't help but laugh out loud at this comment. Cup size indeed lol. Trust a man to come up with that one !!!
Now to the critique, yes I did mean to imply that the cloud formation sighed little mists down on the person, hence no comma. I suppose I could have left it the other way, but I felt it broke it up too much in the reading, making it a bit staccato for the flow of the piece. Much appreciative of your comments though. ( and the smiles) lol -
Hmm, no other comments on this one... looks like I get to be the first. Well as you know, no one ever changed a poem based on a comment they got on allpoetry.com (and by 'no one,' I mean 'me') but hey, here goes. Between the first and second lines (and second to last and last lines) there should be a comma, unless you mean to imply that the 'little puffs of mist above my head' were the things being sighed, as if... the action of sighing implied clouds doing something. Instead I think what I think you were doing for is to say that the sky sighed (while) the little puffs of mist were above your head. However I'm thinking that if someone quickly glanced at this poem and then made a comment for points with a generic answer like 'good write, good imagery, keep it up,' it'd be because there's a subconscious implantation mechanism at work here. Do you see it? The first letter of the first three lines spells "Tit", and the last letter of the first four lines is all DDDD. That means some fantastically huge knockers. As a sexual construct, and being beings of evolution as we are who are drawn by any hint of reproduction, you have skillfully subconsciously implanted a messege of attraction that will hopefully draw many a reader.
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