Time’s forgotten
Reality fades
Oblivion over takes us
Passion rules
Two tangled hearts
Not even God can save us
Morning wakes
As we lay
Wrapped up in each other
Days slip away
But no one sees
Our life ~ is one another
Hands massage
Arousing lust
I quiver with desire
Breathing harsh
Swallowed screams
Our passion stirs the fire
Yawning chasms
Thrusting swords
I’m lost in your caress
Taking ~ giving
Dying ~ living
In each other we obsess
Fervor fuses
Minds and bodies
We are joined as one
Endless promise
Sensuous stupor
Love has just begun.
Patricia Gibson Williams
June 20, 2004
Author notes
Inspired by “As we lay” by Raven Aurora
I was very inspired by your poem and I hope you like mine. I'm looking forward to reading and comenting on the other poems in this contest. I really enjoyed reading your work. Patti
I serve the queen of Nubia
Written June 20th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- See As I See by Almighty Aphrodite.
500 points, ended July 6, 2004, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I will have to think about how I might clarify that. I'm not sure I'll do it exactly as you've suggested, but thanks for pointing that out. Maybe someone else will have a comment, about that line.
Patti -
A wonderful poem. I remember those weekends very clearly.
One suggestion for you:
Days slip away But no one sees Our life
~ is one another
Days slip away But no one sees
Our life ~ is one another
without punctuation I had to go back and re-read for clarity.
Just a thought.
John -
nice work
what can I say...umm, I loved it -
Soft sweet
Sensual and passionate
This is beautiful
Excellent
Huggles
Susan~~~
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very well writen and worth what ever points u put up to feature it! its not to long not to short with perefection in the rythem and wording. Uve really made my criticers day! im so glad i dont have to bable on about the things u did wrong(since u did nothing wrong) and try to sound nice while doing it. Great piece!
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excellent
wow you did exellent write here can tell you work hard it shows in the work you should be proud of it.
excellent job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 -
Beautiful!...swan
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Excellent
Breath taking you have captured Ravens work so well, I wish I could do as well myself. Best of luck in the contest. -
This is absolutely wonderful! I love the obsessive tone this piece took; the outstanding use of diction and succinct stanzas connect me even more deeply to this tantric human communion. This is heavily descriptive, and while some parts of it seem to paint the image of you being drained at one moment, the ultimate filling of desire and need comes toward the end. I see where your principle of balance comes in--which is something I believe in for myself. I love this piece, it's wonderful! I laud you on this attempt. Good luck, and thanks for the entry!
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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i really like how descriptive you made this without having to write a novel to get your point across, that is really good poetry and really good writing. its veryyy well written piece of work and you definetly should keep writing like this! great job
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Panoramic...elegant...beautiful write...swan
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Oh the sweet, sweet feel, of oneness. You have done a lovely job of telling how it feels. wonderful write, keep it up. well done.
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Much description in few words. I liked it very much. You dont need long sentences for good imagery. In fact it's all the better the shorter it is. It imprints itself into the brain more quickly I think as you are assimilating the rest of the poem, like adding things to a filing drawer or adding
paint in dabs to make a larger picture. I enjoyed this very much. Good luck int he contest. -
Good Job
Pretty nice write. It's the kind of poem that makes you sit back and think about a special moment with someone special. Kudos to you. Good Luck in the contest.~Cuddles -
ahh this was really nice. very well written... i agree with MirandaNicole - it was the way that erotica should be... beautiful and romantic! - thanx for sharing
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this was a great interpetation... Yes Raven Aurora is a beautiful poet. Her work is very inspiring.
Yvonne
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I think this is very well written, symbolic yet descriptive. Beautifully romantic yet hot too. It flowed smoothly too. I guess I shall go read the poem that inspired this.
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This is great. I haven't read the one by Raven Aurora, but you did a wonderful job on this one. I love it. It's well written and very soft, the way erotica should be. Thanks for sharing. keep up the great writes. Good luck in the contest.
~Miranda
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Typical truth...i like this but i've read similar things many times...you should have a particualr event that you can discribe more discribtion of around so you can blur it out and focus on the subject after....just a suggestion....really nice though....clammy.
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