primal screams
as long as they can
hear
the cries
of the children
upon dirty streets
morphine washed
and wasted away
slip down
the back alley
your green
valley
the place
you found warmth
on the wayside
across the
tracks
time
it seems
stopped
as you held gazes
across the
clothesline
your
t-shirt
was
finally drying
out.
Author notes
Written June 17th, 2004
A contest entry
- eddie by .
302 points, ended June 27, 2004
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options! Prewrites accepted. by after-silence.
900 points, ended July 14, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - laundry day by adsaige.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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i liked it. shoulda won more trophies in all of the contests!
Mylee -
This poem was moving forward, and then you found your self gazing across the clothesline as if you have never moved. Intriguing. I enjoyed it.
But, one thing I did not enjoy..was the fact that you had no capital letters or commas. But, it doesn't mean that you NEED it in this poem..it's just one of those pet peeves of mine.
Overall, I did enjoy your poem. Wish you luck in the poem!
-
Judged
I enjoyed this piece. I see where you were going with it. However, I feel that this piece could be edited, and tightened in other places. Otherwise, thank you for your entry, and good luck in the contest. -
I really love the transition of emotions in here. And I have to say that although I'm usually a fan of rhyme and fixed structure, you did an excellent job of making me question that preference--this is really nice. Great poem! Thank you for entering my contest.
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A good poem , but the depth of it has my mind going in circles abit this am...will catch it again after some coffee
Reenie
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i think it is pretty good, but something is lacking.. i would like to see a stanza break somewhere. for the sake of clarity
to me the natural place for a break would be after "away"
and maybe after "tracks" this is how i read it, but by god man, make it easier on us.
really like it. -
I love your style, and your layout!! this is awesome... The images you've created are awesome... it seemed to start out slightly dark and then by the end, I was imagining a sunny day and doing some laundry... the rhythms pretty cool too... nice work, random poet! keep it up......
justiney... -
This us pretty awesome. I felt myself being drawn in as I read each line and the imagery created by your words is just perfect. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for the privilege and good luck in the contest.
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the bluer the better i always say, unfortunatly for me im not blue. :/
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Very nice. I like the way you did this, liked the style. Good job.
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hey guy
long time no see
how ya been?
I been blue
and black -
*bows*
i love this. the way it eases into love, and the moment of realization captured in time while something as simple as drying clothes was happening between you.
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