Now that the worst of the grief
is subsiding
and the jagged edges of the anger
are finally beginning to soften,
I’m allowing myself to think of him again
and to wonder.
I wonder
if he ever chased a lover by the ocean
and fell together,
rolling and laughing in the sand.
I wonder
if he ever knew the joy
of working toward a noble goal.
I wonder
if he was ever part of something
larger than himself.
I wonder if he ever knew
a single moment of freedom.
I wonder
if he ever realized
how much he was loved.
I wonder if he ever felt proud of anything at all.
I know the answer to all these questions
and they create a new kind of grief in me.
And I would give what’s left of my life to him
if he could come back and change them.
Author notes
For my brother, Paul. 1961-1997
Written June 15th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
Awesome
Thank you for your comment on my poem, I really appreciate it. You are a great writer, and keep writing because it brings joy to people like me to read poems by writers like you. This poem has more meaning to you than I think I am capable of understanding, but what I do understand of it is wonderful. Your words capture action and thought as if you were taking photographs of moments in your life, and others can see those moments as clear as day. Thank you for sharing your writing, and for reading mine. -
Thanks AP. No, it's not easy. I gave up on life being easy a long time ago, and ironically, that's the first step toward happiness, or at least peace - when we stop lamenting the pain and just accept it as our share, it stops feeling so overwhelming. There's no choice really - accept the pain or live like a victim. The latter is not an option.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Mark
-
Mark,
I was looking to read a poem title from your author's page and the lines from this poem, kind of reached out. Even before reading it I knew that it was going to be one of those heartwrenching pieces, just because of those two lines.
These lines really got me thinking how survivors suffer most:
I wonder
if he ever realized
how much he was loved.
Its quite clear in this poem that he truly was loved. There is no end to the suffering of losing a loved one and to lose them in this manner, seems all the more painful. Its as if you can feel the suffering he felt and endeavor to go on living joyously for yourself and for him, too.
I'm sorry for your loss, its not an easy burden to bear.
ap
-
Hi Mark,
Read my "The Dialogue", it's about my brother-in-law. I know this pain. Words can only comfort for a while, but to know that when our loved ones die and they are more closer to us than when they were alive is the only consolation.
Lencio -
Hi Lencio,
Yes, time definitely does make things easier, but the sadness never completely goes away. How can it? This is why psychics and mediums do so well. The need to be with the loved ones we have lost just one more time is so strong. I guess all we can do is talk to them and hope they're listening.
Thank you for your kind words.
Mark -
Mark I am sorry I didnt know this part of you. I am sorry for your loss. What can I say? This poem did bring a tear, its sad that you had to loose Paul that way. I am touched by this truly moving poem. I hope in time you have found healing of this great loss.
Edited on Jun 13, 5:19 p.m. because ''. -
I was scanning through your poems trying to find your piece "Common Valor" that you wanted me to read and I came across this title and knew that it was a poem about your brother. Once I read it I couldn't help but be misty-eyed, I'm sorry he is gone, I know you miss him, Vicki was the closest person to me that spiritually that was my sibling who passed on, and I know thats different but its hard to lose someone, especially before his time... bless his soul, I think your niece may be reading and commenting on quite a few pieces by you on this insomniac night
Love you!
Sara
-
Thanks, Kerry. I know that more than anyone, you can relate to this, and I wish it weren't so. I am glad your brother lived his life passionately, though. Believe me, that's a big consolation. My brother had a great childhood, like I did, but his adult life was mostly miserable and there was no pay-off for all that misery. He was living proof of the saying "Life's a bitch and then you die." But I intend to live life full tilt and if there are spirits, hopefully, he can hang out with me as I do.
It was great talking with you the other night. I'm looking forward to seeing you at school 100% again soon and the hilarious, fun-loving, philosophical, kick-ass warrior poet you have always been.
Mark -
Thanks, Anna.
I'm sorry this brought back a painful memory. I usually try to end my poems on a positive note, but I guess I couldn't this time. The sadness is still too overwhelming.
Allow me to prescribe an antidote for this poem - please read my poems "Double-O Dumb Ass", The Pretentious Coffeehouse Poet-Type Guy, Busted By The Phlegm Police, and Computer-Induced Mania" and call me in the morning. I hope they cheer you up! lol
Peace,
Mark -
Mark,
I just cried reading this. I cried because it caused me to remember someone who is gone now. It reached deep inside of me and tugged at my heart.
Anna -
Hi Renee,
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'm sorry to hear we have this in common. I hope this poem brought back good memories and didn't just reopen old wounds. I'm glad to hear that time has helped you heal.
It's always good hearing from you, my friend.
Mark -
Mark,
I lost a little brother in 1981 to violent crime, he was murdered, shot in the head. I still wonder if he knew how much I loved him, how much we all loved him. I still wonder if he grabbed hold to all that life had to offer before his young death, he was 24. He was a zealous, cheerful human being that kept us all laughing. I still see his smile in my mind. I miss him, sorely. I think the answers blow in the wind, and we will always wonder. This poem left me in tears and I think it is time for me to rest now. Your sentiments are heavily felt. Thank you for sharing this poem, and for making me think hard on my departed brother. I hope time helps you to smile, it has helped me. Take good care!
Much Love,
Renee
-
Aeolian Song,
I just read the poem you referred me to and left a comment there. Thank you again. It is a masterpiece.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents and all you've been through. This was for my brother, who died of a heroin overdose in 1998.
Mari is one of my best friends on this site. I think the world of her and she's a very talented poet. Please thank her for me for sending you to my pages. I'm running out the door right now but I'm looking forward to reading more of your work this weekend.
Thanks again for your kindness.
Mark
-
very touching. it's just plain wrong to "critique" a poem that's so profoundly personal, so i'll stay away from that side of things. i could see by the final line, even before reading the author's comment, that this was about the loss of someone to at least a sort of suicide. i've been there. alcohol killed my father's spirit, soul, mind and heart, and then he killed himself. so, had to watch him kill himself five different times in a sense. alcohol killed my mother's spirit, soul, mind and heart, but her partially recovered body's still roaming around somewhere. and, of course, the alcohol through them killed certain parts of me. this is a grief and sorrow i understand.
i have an older piece of writing on here that i'm not proud of today, but at the time i wrote it it bore great significance and meaning to me. the only real i can offer you is an invitation to read it: allpoetry.com/Poem/729872
the user "Mariza GG" here has been studying my poetry, both here and off-site, and today she told me i'd like your work. this is the first thing i've looked at from you, and so far she's on the money. -
My Heart Aches for Your Loss
{she weeps} God Love You, my Friend...swan
Edited on Jul 18, 7:35 p.m. because ''. -
excellent!!!!
i just commented on your contest poem "the devil's best tool", which i thought was amazing, so i thought i'd stumble through some of your other works. here again, i find that you're writing about your brother. such sincerity. i admire your love to him...it's very intriguing. the lines "And I would give what’s left of my life to him if he could come back and change them." truly made me think of how i feel about my brother. i don't want to ramble your ear, or should i say eyes, off but i just want to say that i really appreciate your sharing of your loss and feelings. thank you very much.
-kayleeamanda -
Hi there,
Well, this brought tears to my eyes, it's so sad to think he never knew the things that would have made him want to live life and live life well. I can surely understand the grief that brings to you, and the knowledge that he just may not have known what life had to offer to him, had he but reached out for it.
At least I have the comfort of knowing my brother did live those things, lived a full and rich life, with many loves on the beach...and he lived well - I still miss him, but time marches on, and as you say, the jagged edges aren't so jagged.
I'm glad you can remember Paul with kindness and love this way. Beautiful poem.
Kerry
-
I only can imagine how hard it is for you to live with your loss. Time may ease the pain but it will never be totally gone.
I hope you find some comfort in your heart to cherish his memories without tears.
Very touching poem Mark and a very beautiful way to remember your brother.
Hugs,
Mari
-
Hi Michael,
It's about my brother. He died of a drug overdose in 1998. Thanks for asking.
Mark -
Very very touching.... that you would give the rest of your life to Paul..so that he may enjoy those "little things" you've mentioned. Wow.. this damn near brought tears to my eyes, they're watering... close enough. This was sweet, yet saddening... because he may not have been able to experience those things. This was a beautiful write, Mark.. I really do enjoy reading you
~Aimee
-
Such a loving poem....and I guess it is to Paul, since that is the name of the poem. They seem so personal. It sounds as if Paul is deseased, and if he is, I am sorry for you. Great write, very touching. Good luck Cheryl
-
Very touching sentiments here, Mark. To whom are you referring?
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
8 old applause
