in your eyes
the look of someone
departing soon
an empty wardrobe
tells me you're ready
Andrew Hide
15~06~2004
Author notes
Join the allpoetry school's tanka class
allpoetry.com/Application/660695
Written June 14th, 2004
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thanks Andrew this is quite a powerful tanka and quite ironic that you were helping me with a tanka dealing with another serious issue thanks for directing me to this and the reply to charisma and all the other help i hope you dont mind but i will need to rejig the tanka that i showed u but i will use the suggestions you made
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Thank you Charishma,
Here is something I wote as an article which might help explain.
In its long history, the subject and tone have change to suit the current trends, but the format and rhythm has always remained the same. When introduced to the English speaking world the line breaks were inserted at the end of each set of sound units.
In it native language, the tanka would usually be written in two lines, as in the image above. If a tanka was to be written in this style in English, it would lose its rhythm, (and often be too long for the page).
In Japanese, the tanka would be recognised instantly as a tanka by its sound, it is as distinctive as the limerick is in English.
When said out loud you will easily recognise this form by it rhythm and rhyme.
There was an old man with a beard, who said, "It is just as I feared!
two owls and a hen, four larks and a wren have all built their nests in my beard."
Even if the punctuation was removed, your awareness of the lyrical pattern would guide you into the rhythm any school child would recognise.
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard."
by Edward Lear
It is very much the same for Japanese, whole novels are written in the same rhythm of 5-7-5 onji.
Due to the onji being a short sound with neither accent or much variation in length, a tanka rhythm is similar to...
omokage no dadadada da
wasurumajiki dadadadadadada
wakare kana dadada dada
nagori o hito no dadada da dada da
tsuki ni todomete dada da dadadada
Hence, a straight exchange from onji to syllable fails.
Charles threw the mauve ball5 syllables daaa daaa da daaa da7 syllables dada da daaada da da
into a thorny rose bush
It is practically impossible to write a Japanese style tanka in English.
On first discovery of the tanka, the likelyhood is that you have been told it is a Japanese poetry form consisting of five lines with a syllable pattern of five syllables on the first line then seven on the next then five, then seven, then another seven on the last. These are often placed with a pause (empty line ) between the third and forth lines.
So does this make a tanka?
Well if we take this amount of information and apply it to a western poetic form (the sonnet ). We can give it the same cultral shift in the opposite direction and try to teach it to non English speeking Japanese people how will we fair?
We will be face with a class of people whos natural speech and language contains no stressed sound units. Each sound unit in Japanese ( onji ) has a very simular length as all the others, (when written usually consisting of a consonant and a vowel ).
So based on the information you received on the tanka, what infomation can you give?
The sonnet
A poem of forteen lines,
each line must be in iambic pentameter, ( ten onji with the second, forth, sixth, eighth and tenth stressed )
sometimes with a break betwen lines ten and eleven.
Does this alone make a sonnet?
If they write a sonnet to these guidelines in their own language, how can they stress some sound units and not others, and still retain a natural sounding speech?
In reality they can't, it would sound unusual and forced. Much the same happens when we try to write a tanka in English using a onji pattern of five, seven, five, seven, seven. Although this can be a good exercise for condensed writing, it remains a freestyle poem in five lines with a syllable limit on each line and a far cry from the graceful spirit of tanka which has entertained the Japanese for over 1300 years.
So can a western poet learn to write tanka, other than learning to write in Japanese and not translate their work back into English?
spirit of the tanka rather than the form. After all, the shape of the tanka was created by the natural speech of the Japanese language ( all Japanese writing follows this pattern ). On an international level, the tanka is not a poetic form, but a style, and can easily be transfered to most languages. -
Oh my god...the real-life story behind this is so sad. I am so sorry for your friend and for the shock he received the day his wife had left. It must have been really terrible. My heart goes out to your friend.
You've brought out the emotion beautifully and I admire the way it has been done. I counted 20 syllables in this but when I was reading about the tanka form on google.com today afternoon, I read it must have 31 syllables{5-7-5-7-7}. So, my question really at this point of time is: can a tanka have less than 31 syllables just like a haiku can have less than 17{5-7-5}?
I liked the pivot line L3 as it united the first 2 lines and the last 2 lines brilliantly.
Great work! -
beautiful
This is very cute...a supper emotional type...really fascinating for those who can understand the eye language...very beautiful...like the eyes u mentioned. -
excellent
How sad So few words felt like a door slamming -
this is great. shows full emotion in such a small space. i havent explored te tanka form, id like to get to know more about it
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I have just exploring the Tanka form, so this was a very interesting one to read.
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Thank you Pauli,
The tale behind this piece is long one, suffice to say a good friend of mine who loved his wife, to an extent most wifes would flurish in. For a year he knew something was wrong,dispite the fact that she claimed everything was fine and she was happy, he could see it in her eyes, (and I in his). Eventually the day came, arriving home from work and... an empty wardrobe. She had been spending the last year secretly setting up a new home with a lover whilst he was at work. Many thing where missing from that house that day, her belongings, his trust, faith, hope and very nearly his life.
The tanka is a perfect medium for passing emotion to the reader, a form under-used by far in the English speaking world.
Andrew
Edited on Jun 18, 4:45 because ''. -
Your form poetry is really impressive to me, and your passion for such even more so. I hate to ask of the inspiration for a poem such as this, but my curiousity has the best of me by the toenails, and I would truly like to know.
Yours,
Pauli -
short but directly to the point.well done.thanks for sharing this piece.keep on writing
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Thats Sad
OMG, This really hit my heart hard...I lost my father almost two years ago & I saw him pass away right infront of me, He had cancer & we knew ten months before that he was terminally ill, so he was under hospice care til the end. My mom was asleep & the hospice care nurse & I were there when it happened. I was 16 at the time & it was very hard for me to sope & understand. There are still times when I have a flashback & see his eyes roll back & turn white... sorry too much info, usually I don't describe that much detail in my father's death because its hard for me to express, but your poem just seemed to make me open up. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you have better days, its not easy losing someone, especially when you see it happen
---Sara
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very nice!
short but to the point said all it needed to say well done
*hugs*
liz -
Brilliant!!!!!
nicely done............greatly appreciated as well........~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kittyom~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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i think this is awesome....i would like for you to do me a favor if you don't mind- would you read my poem "so much pain" and tell me what you think? i've been reading your poetry but i never got around to actually commenting on it...i like it all..you're really good
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Lonely
Hi Andrew:
This is the kind of Tanka that leaves a bit of a hollow spot in the pit of your stomach. The loss that is soon to happen and no explanation as to why. A very genuine write that has probably been echoed many times over, without the same words. Thanks for sharing this write. Bill -
read
i think this is great, i'm not up to speed with the tanka working on the senyru myself.
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