With muddy squelch a trench is dug to save
the lives of those for whom ‘tis but a grave.
Tracer bullets singing far and high
send probing lights sperming through the sky
while groping fingers weak in grip
clutch at muddy banks and slip
as bodies reek with staring eyes,
a gaze well known to vulture flies
who pick at eyelids soft and pink,
moved not by final dying blink.
Live bullets lethal pick their path,
then lunge at victims in their wrath.
Cannons cough and bullets flake,
sprawling bodies in their wake;
then as the tide surges no more,
shells of men litter the shore.
Author notes
This poem was based on my reading of First World War material. It is an entry for option 18 - a Historical Event
Written June 12th, 2003
A contest entry
- My 19th Birthday - 19 options. by redmarkonthewall.
700 points, ended April 10, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Fiesta! - For my Favourites - by Never Fall in Love.
1250 points, ended March 13, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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my god,that is lovely,the last line struck me,like,BAM!very very good,i love the imagery!!!by the way,do you remember me???
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Graphic and image filled. Most worthy of gold trophy. Just read your other comments and learned a lot about what kind of person you are. Gracious and honest are two words that come to mind. This poem should be featured and I intend to do so. Enjoyed this read.
Thanks for sharing.
John.
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Deliciously morbid
Quite chilling, dear. I believe this might be the darkest I've seen you venture. Thoroughly impressed. As per usual, the flow is impeccable, word play is luscious, and the imagery... I saw it all. The ending lines were the perfect finishings to your harrowing tale. Loved this muchly. Congratulations on the gold; you deserve diamonds. Black diamonds.
Cheers,
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~S.
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I can't believe I missed commenting on this one - it's amazing!
And it's a good thing I caught sight of it!
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Congratulations on the Gold It was well deserved it is very sad and has very good imagery. excellent rhyme scheme as well.
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How deep and truly sad this is. The trench that is dug much to often became a grave. So many lost to the hands of death called war...and for what! I have yet to figure why countries find such need to destroy each other. Over different views...there is true power in words, if we simple learned to listen.
Same, Same but Diferent!
Beautiful job!
Congratulations on the Gold!
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Oh, my..nothing short of brilliance here. Very vivid imagery. All along I'm thinking bullet shells, then you hit us with the very powerful last line. Kudos to you and congrats on the gold. Kudos also to the ocntest judge for recognizing a wonderful poem.
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Wowza. Popped in to check out the gold winner, and I see it was well-deserved. You've got some great imagery in here. It's well structured with perfect rhyme. Congratulations on the win though as I said before, you earned it with this poem. >pixxie<
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Hey there - I thank you for your gracious comment and, since you entered the contest, your complimentary remarks are all the more indicative of your good nature. I think your poem was about mustard gas - if that was yours, I was most impressed by it and felt that your poem was the likely winner. Cheers
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Although I think it is pretty evident which option you chose, I would appreciate itif you would put it in your author notes. Thanks and good luck!
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redmarkonthewall
I have put the option (18), as requested, in my author notes. Thanks for letting me know. Cheers -
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Thank you for doing so and you are welcome.
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I would like to thank you for choosing "Shells" for the Gold award in your comp.I really appreciated it.Do you mind if I take up a little of your time to explain something to you ?
My experiences of past comps have left me feeling that objectivity and fairness are not evident and that favoritism is rampant.Clearly, as you and I are strangers, this was not the case here. I only entered your comp cos I liked the sound of your explanation of what you were looking for - u seemed to be genuinely interested in talent rather than offering an avenue for reciprocal rewards for friends - and so it proved to be ! Personally, I think the real reward should go to you for altering my view of fixed contests.
On a different note, this poem won 16th place out of 800 entries in an international poetry contest worth £6000 to the winner, a contest which was open to professional poets. The poet who finished below me in 20th place had won 1st prize the previous year."Shells" was published in a poetry book around 2004.
Some of my poetry is crap - I can see that - but when a poem I rated came 39th out of 41 in an AP contest, beaten by a limerick of 5 lines, I was ready to give up on AP contests. I thank you for restoring my faith in these contests.
As a mark of new-found respect for you, I am prepared to return the points to you if you need them for another worthy contest. Just let me know. Cheers -
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YOur are more than welcome. Despite the lack of success by way of what I wanted of everyone to do very few failed to do so so I said I will just go through them and find the ones I think worthy of my points and so I did and yours was the first. Congratulations on your placing in those other contests. I am wroking to get some more points for another contest which I have written out and everything but I think you should keep them or at least most of them. I will let you know if I would like you to help me out by way of points though. Anyways your welcome again.
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Just let me know if you need all or any of the points and you can have them with pleasure. Cheers - Tony (camus)
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so sad, but so artistically painte
a master in painting these imageries and bringing them to life with your pen, amazing writing, choice of words, imageries. i hate wars and talking about atrocities, but you paint it so well. the photos imprinted in my mind from that trip you took your readers to will linger. -
Wonderful poem :-) Such strong and vivid language, it really brings the words and story to life. Very sensual words as well, bringing the idea that you can feel and hear these things too. A clever contrast between words connected with life and death, so highlighting the death and destruction of the scene. I really liked this poem...well done :-)
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Wow! This is fantastic! A bit of 'Saving Privat Ryan' in this, or so it seems to me! I love the images here! Thanks for sharing.
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great descriptions, i get a lot of bloody images with the vultures pecking at eyelids and bullets whizzing all over the place, powerful write. my only suggestion would be to polish your writing, tighten that meter, it seems to be mostly in tetrameter, so i would work on those first few lines to fit that. otherwise, i liked what you wrote, was good.
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Cool choice of words & very creative, powerful imagery..Stunningly beautiful poem.
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Your choice of words here really engorges and
Ravages of war personified in one excellently written poem! Your intutiveness is incredible in this visionary piece.
"Tracer bullets singing far and high
Send probing lights sperming through the sky;"
Your choice of words here really engorges and impregnates the entire poem with the bastard child that is born out of hatred and contempt as the foundation in every battle!
To view through your mind's eye is a glorious thing even when the picture is extremely grim you bring it into the light for all to see pleasant or not you make us feel through your words and that my friend is the greatest task accomplished!!!!!!!!!
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Brilliant
wow, powerful. great rhyming! The flow was like, wow, perfect!!! You just explained the tragedy of the 1st world war so well and the sadness too. Great work! -
This is a very impressive composition, camus...Thank you for making us all pause to consider the ravages of war...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
Edited on Nov 06, 11:57 p.m. because ''. -
A very good picture in really poetic words describing a battle. Well put together, good fluency, not the normal stuff and wording- really a rare piece of work
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Yes. This sounds just like trench warfare. I could easily picture Gallipoli or The Somme in reading this. Such a depressing form of fighting, not that wars are rather depressing on their own, but still... You did a good job rhyming this. I was surprised at how well that worked here.
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Thank you so much for your comments and applause. camus x
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Wow... this was really good. It kinda reminds me of Lord of the Rings. All the sorrows of battle... really makes you think about the courage people have to have to go into battle.
This even makes me think of the Germans against the Russians side of World War II. Gotta wonder what it takes to get out there and shoot someone...
Fabulous poem!
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Thank you for your applause in points and comments.The metre is not absolutely rigid on purpose - it was simply meant to be dominant and inexorable but I do take your point about it. Never was much good at that sort of thing lol. I applauded your comments cos I respected your intelligent perspective. camus
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well done rhyming poem, neatly metered - though i wonder why you chose to leave the first two lines in pentameter when the rest of the poem is tetrameter.
you create strong images, and the personification of the bullets is great. the last line is to die for . . . shells of men on the beach - that's fabulous!
well written, great job
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Camus, just as I said the first time I read this poem long ago... it is vivid in the stark imagery that leaves one gasping and praying that we are spared, in our lifetime, a horror such as this... You have [unfortuntely] brought this scene to life in it's deathmask pain but you have given voice to the voiceless by sharing their story....
I commend you for a brilliant writing of such a depressing and awful time...
God Bless,
~Diane -
Extremely good!
I really appreciated this one. Really made me see the horror of war. You did a fantastic job of making this real in a way that just writing about never could. -
this is really good!
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Hey once again the imagery captures your scene impeccably and really does it justice. i saw what you described with absolute clarity. well done!!!
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i think you really captured the essence of the battle grounds-i am a history buff myself-this reminds me of the moving Saving Private Ryan, it was very graphic and realistic
ash
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Hi,thanks for your very welcome comments on my poem Shells. I'm going out singing tonight so when I return I'll visit your poetry site.Take care camus x PS I've finally discovered someone who can spell "definitely" !
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Hey Diz - thanks for the very positive comments on my poem Shells.I'm going out singing now but will read your poetry later.I have been lucky enough to get into print but I can honestly say that comments like yours mean so much to me. camus x
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This took me back to my school days of reading the war poem, esp Wilfred Owen. Reading your work I could visualise the scenes shown in books and on TV of wars past and present, death, decay, destruction - "futility".
The rhythm of the piece feels slow and melodic - a tolling of a death bell, the faltering beat of a dying heart.
I think this poem is FANTASTIC.
Diz
Edited on Jan 09, 12:26 because 'oops'. -
This poem was a well written poem. The rhythm was easy and flowing; the rhyming wasn’t forced and fit with what you were talking about. The imagery you used was fantastic and captured every moment precisely. “Send probing lights sperming through the sky;” captured my attention quite strongly. The personification was lovely and well used. Especially when you wrote “Then lunge at victims in their wrath. Big guns cough and bullets flake,” That was quite well written and thought of. The onomatopoeia, is well thought of, especially since it is used in the first line of your poem “With muddy squelch a trench is dug to save”. You used so many techniques that caught this poem and made it so lovely to read. Yet the story is of course disturbing and touching bad memories and past history. This was a great poem to read. Keep up the great work. Oh, and the last line you used “And shells of men litter the shore.” That freaked me out. >_>
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You have such a strong grasp of interesting rhyme. All too often I read rhyme that is not only sing-song in meter, but overly predictable with their end rhymes and never very interesting elsewhere. Sad, but true. However, THIS was definitely a thrill to read because you've broken all the norms with rhyme that I've seen on this site and made me believe again in the power of rhyme. lol.
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This is amazing. The rhyme and rhythm were fantastic. A very visual poem. I loved the words you used to describe what was going on. This is a very powerful piece. I agree. Very awesome poem.
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This is a sad, strong heartfelt poem, and that last line drives it home.
Your meter is fantastic in this. Once again, a rhyming piece that is powerful and not boring. Impressive.
~ Wendy -
Congratulations on being published! That truly is an accomplishment, and a well-deserved one for such a poem as this. I've read and learned somewhat of trench warfare during WWI, but it is hard to understand and relate to something so horrid, and i appreciated this poem because i think it helped to capture a lot of what it truly would be like...thank you once again for sharing such beautiful words with us.
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