leaves animated
as they excitedly speak
breath of mother earth
Author notes
Written June 11th, 2004
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Beautiful imagery in this haiku...
I do love to read haiku, that's for sure. I see how you have this written in the traditional 5-7-5. Anything less than seventeen syllables works out great, too, as long as the haiku isn't written in Japanese, which is really the only time that haiku is so strict on syllable counts. Nature will always be one topic that I will never grow weary of reading and writing about. Very well done, Duana! I'm a full-time college student and parent, and not reading and writing as much as I'd like, so I hope to get the opportunity to read more of your work soon. It's a pleasure to read.
Knight70
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Nice work.
I am very fond of Haiku formed poetry and this is an excellent example. It is a challenge to try and write something descriptive about nature will a syllable count and restriction with only three lines, you have accomplised the write very well. -
This piece is delightful! Very nice imagery!
Great work! Thanks for entering!
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nice job! hey a haiku about nature!! most people dont write them like that anymore! great job! I really enjoyed reading this piece!!! my favorite line of the piece was the way you ended it "breath of mother earth" soo good! thank you sooo much for entering!!! excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!
-Steve- -
as they excitedly speak
Yup, yup, yup! Very delightful
. And to think, I can't pull Haiku's off. You don't give yourself enough credit 
. Nice titch of personification here.
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First off, what a perfect background for this haiku. I thought it was well said. I understood the breath of mother earth to be a breeze. So much said with so little written.
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Well this a very nice little piece you have here. Keep up the good work and don't ever stop moving those fingers on the keyboard.
which it means you're a great poet
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And what
of the cinquain
that touches the form of
eyes blinking romantic nature
in love -
I never shared this one with my haiku teacher, because I thought he would say it's too poetic...and I didn't want to change it even if it was. When I first encountered the haiku form, I was a rebell. I liked the idea of 575 but I didn't like the idea of having to change your initial reaction to a aha moment in nature to fit 'correct wording' and 'correect' perspective...to me haiku was about recording your own unique observations. I still think that, but I understand haiku more now, and realize that the point of haiku is to shape your perspective on nature.
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Very nice...if you like poetry on trees..you should read mine called "There's beauty in the trees". This is a very good haiku, it paints that moment when the wind gusts after a calm and the leaves go crazy with sound and motion. Excellent!
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Duana, I've been lacking in following your writings. For this I'm sorry for I have missed much. I to, like Haiku's and am waiting for Haikumonk to open his class. I want to refine my skills as well as you have done. the ones I've seen are very descriptive and light as in word usage. I find that I lack that in mine. I like to try and stay with the 5-7-5 as I like the guidlines to follow. Makes me think Harder,I think. any way I'm off to paruse some more. Red
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Lovely...
This is great, you really give the leaves some extra life here. This is a great image which evokes much color and activity.
USpace
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WOW this is so cool I love it! The background is so pretty too. I love all your haikus they're just so cool! Keep writing them!
Kayla -
what a nice backround! very pretty pictures of the trees I liked the whole conversation part of the haiku
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This was a beautiful haiku. Lovely nature comparisons I didn't get the last line, though. I got the distinct picture of the first two lines, but somehow the third line went flat in my mind and I wasn't able to understand that line with the rest of the piece...
-Abby Eyeball- -
I got a nice picture of leaves blowing in the wind. Beautiful picture.
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Very eloquent Haiku - I love nature - and the simplicity of this short poem tells it all. Thanks for entering my contest.
Best wishes,
Moses -
perfect
you really captured that one! leaves really do speak... sometimes just a whisper, and sometimes excitedly just like you wrote. i'm just going to stop commenting now because you said it all in those three brief yet beautiful lines. it is beautiful in its simplicity
wonderful.
~Kat -
Thank you. This was my first haiku, and I got so many varied opinions on it, I just thought I'd put it in the critique exchange for a critique I could trust. Now I am in the haiku class on here...so I guess i will be getting all the feedback I want, and probably lots that I don't want,lol. Anyway, thanks again for your feedback!
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I love the idea of leaves excitedly speaking. I think you did a great job with this haiku, and it is exactly what a haiku should be- simple, elegant, and giving off beautiful imagery. Good luck with the contest, if it's not over yet
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Why thank you! Yes, this is a traditional haiku, and I am really glad that you liked it so much!!
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Now this, this is a beautiful haiku. In fact, I'll applaud it, because it really is lovely. and it's a haiku.
Edited on Jun 29, 10:03 p.m. because ''. -
This is... like a poetic whisper...
a very pretty, gracefull whisper, indeed.
I like it very much, subtle metaphores, beauty, nature all rolled into one nicely fitted package. It's great.
I do suggest changing the background, though. the strip of trees running through where your poem is disracts the eye from what you want us to see, however pretty the background may be. woah, rhyme.
-Chelsea -
How wonderful the leaves are to give you reason to write such a marvelous write. Thank you leaves, and thank you for the wonderful write.
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I can hear the leaves rustling in the autumn breeze right now. I call it a wonderful poem. Thanks for your kind comment on 'love's breath'.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
Wow, this is an awesome haiku! I am in love with the last line especially, breath of mother earth. Just that alone makes my heart happy. Another thing very cool is your visual accompanying the awesome write. It reminds me of my childhood in a strange, nostalgic way. Amazingly Amazing! Keep writing, my friend. You're very talented. Have a beautiful day, Raquel
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Well done
Of course this is a haiku - and a lovely one at that! Not only is it a haiku, it is also a personification, a metaphor and carrying assonance and internal rhyme, enhancing anomatopoeia LOL
Surely: an excellent poetic excercise
Myra
Edited on Jun 23, 8:56 p.m. because 'too many words'.
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I'm not a haiku expert, but I'd count it. However some contests have very strict rules and I still haven't learned all the no, no's when it comes to haiku. I just keep trying and read every article I can, hoping that some of the little things will click. I think if someone told you that this wasn't a proper haiku it would have to do either with not using a color or season word or with telling and not showing the picture. If it's the second I would guess that the second line is the problem. "as they excitedly speak" tells you what they are doing it doesn't "paint" a picture it shows an action. Try "chattering in warm breezes" (I don't know if that works or not... damn) But now I know how the wind feels and what kind of sound the leaves make. I've read several articles I found through this site that explained it much better, so look around. That said; I liked your haiku. Especially the last line. Good luck and I look forward to reading more of you work. Patti
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This is another good one you've penned here... thanx for sharing...
mina -
Thank you Miranda. i wish I would have waited to write it when the contest comes up. Now I have to wait til another real moment of inspiration.
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This is a great haiku. There's nothing wrong with it. it's well written and has great imagery. Thanks for sharing. Keep it up. I hope to read more from you soon.
~Miranda
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Looks like a haiku to me!! And wow! So beautiful too. Thanks so much for commenting on mine. I love yours. I really feel like I'm in the midst of those leaves
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Thank you. I am glad you like my haiku!
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this is a lovely haiku. your imagery is extremely strong and the background you chose adds a lot to the write. it's so hard sometimes write a lot in so few lines, but you did.
illusions -
Thank you! i am glad you liked it, and for your opinion on it. I also wrote a senryu if you want to take a look at it.
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HAiku is traditionally a Japanese lyric form having 3 unrhymed syllables of 5/7/5 syllables invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons. I would say this is categorized as a haiku and you have written it well using maximum effect with minimum verse.
Some stink but this is very good so congrats ! -
I'd go with a darker green for text or maybe even a lighter one, text as is a bit hard to read. Just a suggestion.
Other than that, everything looks good to me.
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Bravo *smiles and claps* if i had any more applauses i would applaud this one as well
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Hey I never saw your comment come up. i almost missed it. Thanks bezoar. Your opinion is valued(as you know).
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This is gorgeous. I love the background too. A haiku well writ in my limited experience of haiku opinion.
Just lovely.
~Bezoar -
i still get confused by haiku's and what they really are but i think this one is as good as any i have seen here.. lol. I love it!!!
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aww very beautiful haiku...i am impressed!! these things are so much fun to write, and so cool...
thanks for sharing
take care
-Stac- -
great work!
okay im not really a haiku person... cause i am horrible at writing them... i can never seem to get the message across in a few words... but there are soem people who can... and i think you put the message across really well... teh picture was very vivid... keep up the great writes! -
beautiful flow
I'm no expert on Haiku; but I love the imagery in these words. You wasted very few words. One thing I'm coming to understand about this form is that you want to make every word count and it should be like a word photograph.
Correct me if I'm wrong on this anybody. I'm new to this form as well. -
a complex haiku and very deep...thanks.
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Hmmm...a little complex for haiku, but it juxtaposes well. I'd maybe refine it to more simplicity, though. Thanks for posting!
Best wishes in all that you do!
Your Cerulean Dreamer,
Michele -
This is the reason I love haikus!! There is so much amazing imagery in so few lines.. Absolutelty beautiful!! I love it! Congrats in writing an amazing poem! Thanks for sharing. God Bless.
-Tawney -
That's right, Duana, that's why it is so tricky to find the balance
The first version is often the 'base'; then you keep trimming, minimilizing, to get to the purest image that suggests the concept you want to capture.
See this one, on this theme: 'Spring', allpoetry.com/poem/588851
Also, 'Spring Green', allpoetry.com/poem/634044
~ G
Edited on Jun 11, 10:56 p.m. because ''. -
had to come back and look again...
someone who actually takes advice...and doesn't get offended
that is something new.
now i can see the beauty of your haiku
without distraction.
bravo,
~liz -
Well I aked for critical,lololololol
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I'm not a haiku expert so I can't advise you on the fine tuning aspect of your work... but I liked it. Maybe you could tweak the second line to conform to the purest form of haiku. Or you could just thumb your nose at them and leave it. Personally if I have one I like, but I know I could do better, I just end up with two slightly diffrent versions. Good luck. I look forward to reading more of your words.
Patti -
not much to be critical of.haiku are right to the point and as long as you keep the theme running you got it.yours is beautiful
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hey Maatkara, thanks for your comment on my Haiku. First attempt. I knew you weren't supposed to use figurative language or personification, but that is how I observed it looking out my window at breakfast this morning- like seeing it for the first time. It was like watching a room full of people chatting to each other. I wanted to capture the way I observed it. I was kind of confused, because I have read that you should write your aha or haiku moment exactly as you experience it and get the reader to feel how you felt at the very time, but then I also read that you should not use personification ect. So I had to choose which was more important to me.
Edited on Jun 11, 10:26 p.m. because ''. -
i love hycous and i know i just spelled that wrong my english teacher made my class write oen in 9th grade i wish i remember it becuase i thought it was great. thats the reason i read yours because i love them their so short but they can express so much in so few lines i mean sylables this is no exception although i will say i dont understand how the last line fits in. but that may just be me
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Lovely piece!
This is great stuff, excellent! I do agree with Unfathomable about the background though, I had to run my mouse over it to read it. Loved it still. Welcome to AllPoetry, you'll be great, what is Poetry anyway? Please keep writing and always go back to it, you'll just get better and better!
You might like my "Haiku You Too" and the links, allpoetry.com/Poem/276100 ... Enjoy and have fun!
USpace
Edited on Jun 11, 9:33 p.m. because ''. -
Very nice short poem, Duana A little heavy on metaphor for haiku, though. Remember, "show, don't tell". One needs to avoid overt description; adverbs and adjectives which "tell" the reader how and what to perceive. It's tricky to find the balance. Subtle suggestiveness through the object is the goal. Keep practicing...I still have trouble
I would recommend changing to a plain background...these leaves make it very difficult to read, and one shouldn't have to use the highlighter (which makes it even more unattractive).
~ G
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I agree nice background and poem
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i felt your haiku was well written...like the more traditional feel of it. your background is very fitting, but makes it a bit difficult to read without highlighting the words...perhaps if you were to use a larger and bold font???
~liz -
Mucho Bueno!
Oooooooh. I like this a lot! You touch on the powerful and encompassing nature theme that many haiku express, but give it an almost pagan feel to it...giving the earth itself "breath," as if she were alive.
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Nice write.
Very nice. But I did see on another Haiku critic once(Please not I am no Haiku expert) that you're not supposed to capitalization at all? Not sure, just noting. Anyways, nice write.
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