It is your smile
It is your walk and what you think you say with that walk
It is your way of circling wagons around your dreams and lies
It is your darker side that sits in you half buried like a rock
It is your fears that move like brown spiders in your eyes
It is your history with pain and the dried blood on your mouth
It is your efforts to never be hurt again and still be alive
It is your unfair, unpredictable/predictable moodiness
It is your sex that sits in your lap like candy and gold
It is your voice that tells me to come closer or go away
It is your fate written on fortune cookie paper and stored in your tomb
It is your ability to know things could be worse
It is your holding onto blanket scraps of memories and making them good
It is your sometimes shallow effect on me
It is your roots that sit snug in me like a vegetable growing
It is your name.
Author notes
Writing is wonderful whether it is successful or not. This putting your life into words. And even if you do enter contests where 'poetry' similiar in composition and odor to the dogshit you scrap off your shoes with a stick and toss in the neighbor's yard wins, that's okay, you're writing!
Written June 11th, 2004
A contest entry
- wow by bonniegurl42.
750 points, ended September 9, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your most very personal poetry♥ by innocence jaded.xx.
475 points, ended September 7, 2008, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I can't believe I'm doing this again Part Deux by NoUseForAName.
700 points, ended December 31, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
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Oh ya
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LOL your personal comment at the bottom was very enjoyable first of all....
I liked how you wrote with so many metaphors. I try to write in metaphor as much as I can because I think it makes for a much better poem. My favorite metaphors here were....
"fears that move like brown spiders in your eyes" that was image was really creepy and cool at the same time.
"darker side that sits in you half buried like a rock" its not a metaphor that i would have expected and yet it really explains something to me as the reader. It's perfect!
and finally "your sex that sits in your lap like candy and gold" who doesnt love candy and gold? If sex is like that you'd always be drawn back for more. Again, perfect!
Congrats on your bronze trophy, you deserved it. -
I love this. & wow, it really was written a long time ago, haha. Uniquely & creatively written, though. I liked it a lot. I can relate to a lot of this poem, as it is written so clearly. Thanks for entering & good luck with everything
♥
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there it is there
i love this poem -
beautiful. you showed me what it is and who you are through it. this poem embodies grace and was an enjoying read.
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thanks for the bronze award
And much thanks for your comments. Dave
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Perplexing
I must say, your writes are very indepth. I love the line "It is your roots that sit snug in me like a vegetable growing" What an awsome write this is.. I could re-read it again and again. I see a struggle between the spirit and the flesh, the temporal and the eternal, lust and love. That is just what I see. It tugs on my heart and whispers........things are much more complicated then just flippant choices.
Thanks for the read.
Castaway
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I read this out loud twice I was careful going over every word. When I look at the poem it is a bit mishapen on the page making it look awkward,
Then reading it I noticed a wonderful meter to it
and it felt good on the tongue esp if I read it just a little slower than I normally would.
I seen the imagery line per line and how effective it was, and your imagery is awesome.
You have left a bit of mystery in the poem but since you are not being argumentative it still works. If we don't have a little mystery in the poem then the poem becomes bland.
You took a chance here. Two things happen to chance takers. they either fall in the river and drown
or they swim I think you swam. If I were an editor of a small journal I may requite a few small changes
but I think I would be interesting in printing this poem. I think this is an honest opinion of your poem
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you know i always come back to this...
and reread it, shit i passed it on... sometime later
have things changed..
some how they stay the say...
uncle...
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WOW, the way you write tells a little more then just the words. These words express how one feel and the thoughts that never really become words for most LOVE IT!!
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WOW
Hay, this is a great poem! I'm glad you let me read it. My poetry is like children's poetry compared to yours. I guess as I get older and mature more I'll end up writing poetry that doesn't seem so childish. I like ho you put 'It is your' at the beginning of every line. I think that poems that are written like that, with repeating lines and words as yours does, usually add depth. And tis one has depth to me =) Have a good day Uncle! -
if i had a dollar for every time i read this i'd have like 50 bucks in my pocket
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Your msg. sounds like my poem. In the poem I was trying to write down all the different parts of the person, some were not good at all, some felt good. When you describe your ex boyfriend it hit me the same way. He made you feel good, is hot, treated you like a whore-but for some reason you liked that experience. He upset your faith in yourself so that you really don't trust going out with other guys. And so forth. Yes I've had contridictory relationships like that, they all turned out bad. I was drawn like a moth to the flame not understanding why, except maybe I wanted to be consumed/ burned up into someone else. Sounds like you have to give up alot of yourself to be with this guy. Does that sound right to you?
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hmm I had to reread this...
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No I never had a cam site why do you ask?
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Did you have a cam site at one time? The name Rhiannon stirs a memory.
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you are welcome!
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thanks? No, fuck it, I'm hungry for a good stroking comment so I'm going to tell myself you meant those cryptic words 'it is what it is' to be a hearty thumbs up, loved it response. Thanks!
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it is what it is...
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wow haha that was terrible, i so much enjoyed how you dissed my poem and then this is the crap you're writing hahahaha i'm not even gonna bother saying anything else, your terrible poetry speaks for itself.
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Hi: I hear what you're saying about the repeating lines of It is your: It's difficult for me to see it another way at this time, though when I get more distance I will play with it some. Thanks for commenting: Dave
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I like this poem but I think it loses a lot of its power from the long lines. If you make the title alone It is... and then list everything that it is about this person like a list poem it could have shorter lines and flow better on the page. However, the poem is really good I just think that the repetition of "it is" kind of slows down my reading when I am reading your poem.
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Thanks for seeing the mystery in this. That's how I felt when I wrote it, that mystery of why we get attracted to some people, and just the mystery of who they are. Thanks for commenting. DAve
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Hi and thanks for the comments. The format of: It is your...
has had a few other people comment on dropping it: but for now it is the only way I can see it. Glad you liked it. DAve -
Awesome
It is a very good poem..it really touched me. And it reminds me of times in my life. I think it could be a little better if you didnt use the same words over and over again. But other than that it is an outstanding work of poetry. I had fun reading it. It is a good poem and good luck with your writing.
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Did you think this was lovey dove? Meant it more as being obsessed, love is there, but other ingredients. It isn't a 'How do I love you let me count the ways' kind of write with the dark side, fears, fear of being hurt, moods, and so forth. The poem was describing what 'it' was, but what is 'it' in the poem? Any rate thanks for reading and commenting, and liking it. Dave
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Over-use of the word "It," otherwise fab poem. The descriptions are realistic, and brought this into a sharper reality than most lovey dove poems
Enjoyed reading.
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I really enjoy the contrast you create within each line, the good and bad, the beautiful and the ungly and so on. There is also a definite mystery to this poem which is another reason why i enjoyed it.
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I love this. It is very creative and different as well. Off to read more!
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Hello and thanks for the comments. There is alot of images to this one isn't there. Appreciate your enjoying it and telling me about it. Will have to return the read. Dave
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This peice was done very well. You described everything so well that we could picture it in our head.
~Troubled1~ -
Thanks, it's encouraging to get a good word on your work, and have it appreciated in the way you intended. Never can get enough. Thanks again.
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Wow, I'm sure you have enough comments that speak an obvious truth about your work as it is. I love this poem, because from my point of view.......I've seemingly matched it with something thats gone on, in the past few days. Your imagery, is astounding, and your flow in words only more better. Great job.
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I never heard that about the 'It is your' line being overdone. Though it is the beginning of every line. Let me think about it, but I'm so close to the poem now it is difficult at present to really see it any different. I appreciate different ideas like the one you gave, and am glad you liked the poem.
Edited on Jul 06, 10:57 p.m. because ''. -
I liked the poem it was interesting. I think the repetitiveness of the " It Is your" deffenantly takes away from the poem. Kind of draws it out and makes it hard to read and understand. other wise it was good.
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I like this, escpecially the way you start the each line in the same way. It makes the poem more effective..
great write and good luck with the contest -
Big thank you for your comments. Did you bite your lip to keep from saying it lays in your lap not lies in you lap?? or is that even right? My grammar can be pretty weak. Any rate being K-Mart clever, WalMart wise I wanted to have 'lie' in there with the woman's sex. I've some other stuff that might not be quite so enjoyable, but I really like this one, and I like everyone who likes it. thanks again.
Edited on Jun 30, 1:48 because ''. -
I love the patchwork quilt of images you've sewn together. My favorite line was: "It is your way of circling wagons around your dreams and lies." The entire poem is very graphic, but that line actually made me pause for a moment. I could also relate to it. Anyway, the way you've constructed this poem is wonderful. I really enjoyed it.
-Renee -
Thanks for your taking time to read this over and for your very good comments. It is much appreicated.
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This is very interesting...and different. I love your creative spirit and your choice of descriptive phrases. I found it very unusual in a most pleasant sort of way. Thank for the privilege of reading such a great piece.
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Thanks for the good words, glad you appreciated the writing. Sweet & chewy would have worked also. Some lines come to you and you can't place the source. thanks again.
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ring of keys maybe??
candy and gold sounds better... you could of said sweet & chewy.....lol.
seriously...i agree on the metaphors and imagery. a poem is a picture painted with words. the reader has to "see" what you're writing.
good job! -
Thanks for reading it and even more for liking it: At first the line was: 'It is your sex that sits in your lap like a set of keys.' Good thing I changed it right?
Edited on Jun 14, 2:53 because ''. -
it makes me wonder who you wrote it for....my fav line when have to be the one about sex in the lap. well writen and expressed.
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Super size that compliment please. heh heh: Thanks for reading and putting thought to this poem. Much appreciated.
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Very interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it yet. It was certainly the line, "It is your sex that lies in your lap like candy and gold" that drew me in (the one you have featured, for good reason). You have a lot of great metaphores and imagery in here, and you begin it and finish it with two very simple (yet some might argue, complicated), concepts, a smile and a name.
Artfully written, although I still say I'm not sure exactly what you're getting across here. ::grins:: -
Uncle I have almost everything I have written in the last four years here and some are doubles that I have revised. No I could safely say poetry is a passion for me so is drawing.
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Red much thanks for the feedback. It's great to hear a good word after first putting it out. Lord you have written 733 poems! They must be hidden in you bio page that I didn't see. This is no passing thing for you.
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Awesome write Uncle!
Red
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