This poem is dedicated to Federico Garcia Lorca
A beautiful girl on the rocks of the sea's mesh
the moon pearling off her white, naked, virgin flesh
guitar like, it strummed a gentle, unearthly song
it was difficult here to imagine right from wrong
Above the cliffs like balustrades of God's justice and hope
the white, unicorn horse appeared and spread it's Gothic wings
a silhouette and a canopy against the dreamy, speckled stars that did sing
as it plunged into the foamy sea of blood red colours, under the slope
Deep below the acid sea and a dark brood depth of despair
into the caverns and the rocks, hidden deep under there
a Mona Lisa smile, a mirror, a knowledge, and an enigmatic stare
as the mermaid brushed her tattered and salty, unkempt hair
And she dreamt of the olive trees, the scent of oranges and the feel of soft silk
the deep wells and the drowned and sexually confused youths of hope
who lost their ideals of hope and normality and could not cope
brought tight into her ample white bosoms of motherly, hot milk
And she dreamt of the troubled and strife vineyards of the civil war in Spain
In 36, down a desolate, hidden and leafy lovers lane
to an isolated ploughed field, of lost buried souls, under the ground beneath the rain
and the moon was gorged crying and was very, very vain
A sharp rifle crack and a poet's face etched with blinding pain
his life blood and hopes, pouring into the furrowed sores of a split nation from his veins
the people's poet, who gave hope and inspiration for the peasant masses
buried, forgotten and entwined in death's decomposing ashes
No more hope or poetic beauty for the divided Spanish people
just the anchoring of the stoic, unbending, religious catholic church steeple
And the mermaid's lower, green body scales, shimmered and shone in the primeval moonlight night
She cried for justice, she cried for man's plight
Then the winged, white, pale horse, with no visible rider
managed to clamber on the rock next beside her
when suddenly a Leviathan of the deep surged upwards from the troughs of the waves
kissed the moonlight and counted the number of the forgotten graves
If knowledge is to remain dormant in the blood of the deep caves?
then justice is vanquished and hope will never be saved
as the mermaid left the winged horse on it's perilous, wave, battered rock
tossed and threw it a piece of her cut, shorn, tattered, mermaid's lock
Across the dimensions of known time and understanding of deep space
lay the look of astonishment of the poet's handsome and boyish face
as she jumped into the wild, mysterious sea, for infinity, to be free
For eternity and ended up captured in a canvas by the painter, Salvador Dali
Author notes
A poem dedicated to Federico Garcia Lorca.
Written June 10th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Absolutely Anything by The Orange Man.
400 points, ended January 13, 2006, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options or NO Options, Can you handle it? by IndividualEleven.
1050 points, ended December 8, 2006, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For Epic Poets! by Minstrel Knight.
550 points, ended February 14, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks by Kansas June.
300 points, ended March 4, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Evoke My Artistic Vision by crazylittledevil.
440 points, ended March 20, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tales Untold by Sokarjo.
1200 points, ended June 20, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by broken-colours.
500 points, ended August 6, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Slain Dreamer by Ayla YellowRose.
1600 points, ended September 20, 2007, 30 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want by MrCrepsley.
600 points, ended September 10, 2008, 195 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Hi Georges... a very long time ago when I penned as Ruroni Jew you won my first contest and it was your first trophy.
This piece was springy yet substantial- airy yet meaty- tangible yet laced with an inexpressably Dalistic element of the bizarre. The cadence has moments of absolute sweet music "tattered and salty, unkempt hair" is simply an edible phrase- but there are areas in which your intentionally strong frame ends up leaving your poem bulky- "lay the look of astonishment of the poet's handsome and boyish face" for instance is a bit heavy the handsome, boyish, and astonishment don't invoke very powerful images in my mind- nor does that line flow easily to me.
I'm wondering also, if you need to so conciously mention the fact that it's a Dali painting in the end- it kind of dragged me out of the moment and mood of the poem- and I think it's pretty clear what the poem is about (the picture is, after all- quite famous and you mention the poet and the painter quite conciously but subtely earlier in the piece)
I love it Georges, it's got keen dimensionality- a beautiful wash of imagery and wane of historical context. Please keep writing.
Warm Regards,
Max (Formerly Ruroni Jew)
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This is simply amazing. Rather deep, and the imagery is astoundingly vivid. Thanks so much for entering & good luck in my contst.
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Very lovely tale. Sensual in both definitions of the term, beauifully woven. Thank you for this interesting entry.
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Maybe my insight is a little hazy, but I gather the person to whom this is dedicated either was a student or fan of Salvador Dali's work. In that regard it is a very fine tribute.
Wonderfully penned piece with a solid rhyme scheme, but the way the poem drifts through several visual settings both separately and merged it is not clear how you feel this piece fits the theme of this contest. -
Good story, but could use some touch ups. The grammar and spelling is off in some places and some of the rhymes seem forced. Aside from that it was well written and an enjoyable narrative.
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Nice imagery
very good use of metaphores and very creative imagery, thanks for entering, was an enjoyable read -
Well I was looking for a nother world and lots of imagination and you have diliverd! Great write you are an amazing poet. It should be ans intresting contest. Goodluck.
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this is good. great job and good luck in the contest!
BC 
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A very well thought out write
First I have to say as some has already said, how immature mermaid poems tend to be. But this was astounding! I loved the imagery and the emotion in the poem. I think you displayed very well the different aspects of sirens, mermaids. -
good to see some celtic lore in this piece! dont see much of that in many peoples works! Even though it is long it is well worth the time to read. Excellent job!
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Well Done.
A grand write here.
Well done and I bid you good luck in my contest. -
This was a beauitiful story, I loved the line, "the moon pearling off her white, naked, virgin flesh" Excellent! There were bits however that I found a tad confusing and had to re-read over several times to capture your intent. This distracted from the power of your write.
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I have to second a few of the comments before mine that this was totally unexpected when clicking on the title. I really enjoyed the language and imagery in this piece. I did find fluctuations in rhyme and stanza length from one stanza to another to be a bit distracting and as well as interupting to the flow in some spots but overall a good write and the time and effort you put into this piece really show
Ruth -
This poem was a bit confusing. You have some very beautiful images, but i didn't really understand where you were going with this. Usually mermaid poems are very immature, but this one did not hold up to that rule. I liked it. But I think maybe you should hone it down so that it will flow to one idea that is visible to the audience. "the moon pearling off" was one of my favorite expressions in the whole poem. It hooked me in. A good job, maybe think about your word choice a bit.
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Very vivid imagery, but some of the lines seem superfluous. I got lost at times. Maybe imagery overload. The flow is interrupted in the last two longer stanzas after shorter ones. I really liked the rhyming scheme. It was hard to find, at first; but once I noticed it, it read much better. A valiant effort, but maybe a tad too long. Thank you for sharing.
Edited on Apr 04, 8:57 because ''. -
This is very good. I have read your poems before and i have begun to really enjoy reading your work. It was nicely flowed and wasn't forced anyway at all. I enjoyed it alot! Great write and well done. Good luck in the contest Keep writing!
katy
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Dali is a marvelous artist...great reference. I love the hiostory behindf this piece adn how beautifully you incorporated it....poetry is always the more beautiful when history is behind it. Lovely piece and extensive vocabulary. Amazing write. At times the rythym was a bit off but besides that, it was flawless.
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WOW very long. its good but a bit overwelling if u know what i mean! But this poem is very good. You an aswesome poet. This poem rocks my rocks, very well writin! you better keep on writing or i will be mad, cuz ur soo good! Keep up the great work! Thanks for entering, and the best of luck to u!! and you should check out some of my poems!
Always~
Whitney aka different -
Brian, i'm glad you read the poem all the way through. I get the feel that you liked it and thank you for your very detailed critique.
Georges -
You have always been generous to my poetry, Hadesworld, i thank you.
Georges -
Dali was a friend of Lorca, Celtic lass, i tied everything in the poem. Thanks for your valued comments.
Georges -
Aura, thank you for your comments on my poem The Mermaid, i appreciate this.
Georges -
OK, I honestly clicked on the link expecting to be appalled. I prepared to leap forward quickly and without comment to avoid a poem about mermaids posted right after a suicide poem. Happily, I found something that shows a feel for rhythm, presents a coherent structure, and holds a lot of promise. I liked it, but I'd be less than honest if I didn't say I thought it would benefit from a further re-write. There are little things that detracted from the point for me (knowing that this is only my opinion). For example, "stoic, unbending, religious catholic church steeple" is redundent on so many levels it is maddening, which is particularly frustrating since it also throws off the surrounding pace by crunching in 6 stresses.
Similarly, the last line came off as comic to my ear (which may be the intent, but seems inconsistent with the previous). I think the effect is due to the passive "ended up captured" as well as "the painter, Salvador Dali". As opposed to the shoe-salesman, S.D.?
These are quibbles, but together with alliteration like "furrowed sores of a split Spain from his veins", I found them distracting. The overall image is solid. Using mermaids for Lorca is perfectly appropriate, and her story is integrated well with the biography. Overall, the poem is well presented and lyrical. Not sure how well it conveys what you wanted, but it is the first "Mermaid" poem I've read all the way through in the past ten years or so.
Best Wishes,
Brian -
very good
wow a deep write i enjoyed reading it you done another fine job and again i am not disapppointed . -
Creepy, throughout the whole thing, I couldn't help but think of Salvador Dali who I absolutely adore. Then at the end, you mentioned him. Which painting is it that you're referring to? Anyway, this piece is really great and strong. Thanks for sharing!
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applaudable
Georges , this is a big wow!- such beautiful arresting imagery-a very captivating piece- almost like a painting
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Thank you again, Freewill for your comments on this piece. I appreciate you taking the time to write.
Georges -
good stuff.... well done
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Sorry, G. I am that type of guy, georges
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Hey, Georges, I notice you take about as much notice of my corrections and suggestions as you ever did
~ G
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I appreciate your write, Whitecrow and your comments.
Georges -
Thank you brighteyes572, for your valued and appreciated comments.
Georges -
Very nice poem, I really like it. The images and words. . .really vividly depicted, I can see tha painting in my mind's eye. I like the end, how you wrap it all up into the picture. Beautiful work, I love it!
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Bringing forth imagages, in a production that we all see pass before our eyes as we read your words. What a marvelous tallent, to be able to draw a picture with your words. well done, great write.
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Thank you, Annandhel for your comments.
You have really pleased me with your encouragement.
Georges -
This is really vivid! I love this poem! The imagery and the time period and... everything! At first you wonder what the heck a mermaid has to do with war-torn Spain, and then at the end it all comes together. I love it! Never give in, Annandhel.
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Thank you G, for your valued comments. What do i do with all the points i have?
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Vivid and 'angsty' as ever, Georges! I like this variation, he he...Dali
May I suggest 'primeval moonlit night' (last stanza), and 'on the rock there beside her'? It would be good if you could eliminate the "did" from "that did sing" (2nd stanza). Those additions tend to draw attention to forced rhymes...and are sometimes simply superfluous, as here.
Great 'mental painting', again Georges!
~ Gennelle
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