His eye lingers over me
Not the mossy green
nor brown
nor sweet hazel
of others I have beheld
but much larger
panoramic
all-encompassing
swirls of glory
pride, faith
a sweet disposition
glows from within
this milky way galaxy
swirling clearly
in his universal eye
Author notes
This poem is, well..unfinished but I'm too lazy to finish it...any suggestions are welcome...this was a collaboration with Lena283...thats about all I have to say about it...enjoy and comments are welcome
Written June 9th, 2004
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Comments
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good
thats extreme -
Good!
For an ending? Hmmm. . . maybe something like "in his eternal gaze. . ." but what do I know? All in all I thought it was a great poem. . . but yeah, these guys above me have been here much longer than I have and probably know much more about poetry than I do. . . anyway, I just tossed in my 2 cents. . . thanks for the poem. -
nice play with words
personally I like it the way it is..bu as pasionvine said, maybe a little bit less generic ending?? though it's up to you..maybe instead of just putting his eye, put what that means or encompasses?? like the soul, or sight? Just a suggestion. -
Great imagery
What a great sensory description of the appraising glare -- I would expleriment a bit with the closing. "His eye" feels too generic. I'm wondering if a more concrete closing would be:
but much larger
all-encompassing
panoramic
Panoramic is a great decriptive word for the gaze.
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